Mongo Nation

Zune’s new customizable media players for the uber-hip.

Microsoft has just released new versions of its Zune media players that not only have tons of cool new features, but are customizable as well, with laser-engraved designs by 18 renowned international artists and 3-5 lines of custom text available. The new Zunes come in a larger, 80GB model and a compact 4-8 GB version, both of which are available in black, red, green and pink colors. The Zune also comes pre-loaded with lots of cool music, video and modern art content right out of the box, not to mention premium in-ear headphones that are significantly better than we have come to expect as a pack-in.

The Zune looks to compete with the iPod juggernaut by offering more features, more customization and a slick new interface, all at a generally lower price point ($149-$249). The new line will be launched simultaneously with new software, marketplace and social networking features that will allow Zune users to take advantage of a simple drag and drop interface, wireless PC syncing, and wirelessly sharing music with friends. There are limitations in place to protect against outright piracy, but Microsoft has gone to great lengths to achieve solid cooperation from the music industry that will allow for a certain amount of leeway in regards to wirelessly sharing music with peers.

We had a chance to play around with the New Zunes a few weeks before launch, and our first impressions were quite favorable. The device looks great and controls responsively. The resolution on the screen is phenomenal, and everything is fully customizable, from the menus on down to the individual music profiles themselves. The device can wirelessly pick up shows from your Microsoft Windows Media Center (if you have one), and the FM tuner works great. And while I realize that an FM tuner is not that big of a deal to people that have 10 million songs on their MP3 player, it is a welcome addition that really should be included in any media-playing device.

Some would say that the newly designed Zune has missed the mark by not going with a touchscreen interface, but I personally am not a fan of that fad. If I’m going to be expected to stare at a tiny little screen all day long, I’d rather there weren’t greasy fingerprints all over it all the time. The Zune makes it’s mark in the innovation department with it’s expertly chosen custom design options and awesome Zune Social program, which allows users to discover and share new music effortlessly. The bottom line is this: Such as Facebook is the new counter-culture cool to MySpace, Zune is sure to be the new hipster equivalent of the now omnipresent iPod. So if you consider yourself any kind of self-respecting, early-adapting techno-hipster, you’d better get your hands on the new Zune before everyone else does too.

Our guide to the coolest/weirdest Halo 3 marketing gimmicks.

With all the hype surrounding the upcoming release of Halo 3, there’s bound to be a great deal of Halo related merchandise available for the discerning nerd. These products range from the usual action figures and Monopoly tie-ins to the kind of products that only a real fanatic would even consider purchasing.

Master Chief showing off the new Halo 3 “Game Fuel” grenade.

Our online Halo gear guide will fill you in on the whole product line, in order from the least to the most unusual:

#1: Halo 3 Spartan Xbox 360 wireless controller, headset, $59.99 ea.

Looks like someone glued their crappy fan art to your expensive wireless controller.

This is an obvious one. After seeing the chainsaw controller that came out with Resident Evil 4 a couple of years ago, I’d even go so far as to say that this is one of the more reserved Halo 3 tie-ins.

#2 Halo 3 Limited Edition Xbox 360, $399.99

The green paint is totally worth the extra $100, right?

This one makes sense when you consider that there are probably quite a few Xbox users that have been waiting on Halo 3 before buying an Xbox. While almost unprecedented in the console market, the Halo-themed Xbox will almost certainly be a big success for Microsoft.

#3 Halo 3 McFarlane Toys, $14.95 and up, Kubrick Master Chief figure set, $19.99

These will go great with your extensive collection of “Star Wars” Legos, Poindexter.

What’s an action game without action figures to go along with it? You’re mascot is nobody until he/she is immortalized by Todd McFarlane, or as a hipster version of a Lego man by Kubrick toys. As a tribute to his popularity, Master Chief will soon be invading toy stores in representations by both designers. Your Master Chief ‘build-a-bear” is still up to you, though.

#4 Halo 3 Slurpees, Doritos, Energy Drinks, Price varies

This is how much “Gamefuel” it takes to gas up some of the larger nerds.

Want to know what “nerd” tastes like? It’s sort of like citrus, but with cherry and Mountain Dew flavors, Dorito dust, lots of caffeine, and comes in a collectible hologram cup.
#5 Halo Zune, $199.99

Wirelessly trade music with all 12 of your fellow Zune users!

Comes pre-loaded with Halo Trilogy music, artwork and videos. Actually kind of cool if you were going to buy a Zune anyway. It’s like an iPod, but with wireless file sharing and an FM tuner. I still don’t know why these haven’t caught on more.

#6 Halo 3 Legendary Edition with Spartan Mjolnir Mark VI Cat Helmet, $129.99

I can has Halo 3?

This special pre-order version of Halo 3 comes with a replica Spartan Helmet game case, which unfortunately, will not fit your head. It will, however, fit the head of your cat or small dog. You’ll have to make your own cat or chihuahua-size Spartan armor, though.

#7 Halo 3 Missile Pack, $19.99

Which compartments hold your allergy medicine and your retainer?

Here’s where it starts to get weird. For twenty bucks you can be the proud owner of a case that holds your Halo controller, headset and games, and looks like a SPNKr missile pack from Halo 3. Look like an even bigger dork than you already do when you go over to a friend’s house to challenge them face-to-acne-ridden-face.

#8 Halo 3 Master Chief statue, $99.99

For added hilarity, replace gun with miniature can of Game Fuel.

What could possibly geek your apartment up more than a finely crafted Master Chief statue/bookend/paper weight? Check the next entry in this list for the answer…
#9 Life-size Master Chief statute, $500 and up

Makes a handsome companion piece to your life-size Lara Croft statue.

Not content with a desktop-size Master Chief statue? Scare off burglars and potential mates with a life-size Master Chief from some douche on eBay! At about 7 feet tall, these statues make great coat racks, scarecrows, and post-apocalyptic garden centerpieces.

#10 Halo 3 Master Chief Costume, $6,000

Ensure a lifetime of virginity with your own expertly handcrafted Master Chief costume!

Speaking of life-size Master Chiefs, why just look at one when you can be one? If money is no object, entertain your wildest cosplay fantasies by dressing up like the man himself, in your very own set of Spartan armor! The price is a little on the steep side, but you can never be too prepared in the eventuality that aliens actually do invade earth.

Bonus item: 12 foot Halo 3 Diorama

You gonna get raped.

This diorama, constructed by Bungie’s marketing team for a video advertising campaign, will be touring trade shows and even some museums over the course of the coming year. Who says video games aren’t art? Roger Ebert you say? Whatever, his opinion will be forever negated by the one movie he ever actually did make himself, “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls”. Watch that movie after playing Halo 3 and then tell me which one you think is “art”.