Mongo Nation

Chris and Sheva mow down an entire village, meet Baghead!

By Jeremy Azevedo

If you are reading this, you probably already know that Resident Evil 5 is looking like it’s going to be one of the best games of the year, or ever. Having played the game myself, I can tell you that these images are no joke, the game really looks like this in action.

In fact, RE5 almost looks better in action than it does in the cut scenes, which is a weird reversal of roles if ever there was one. Check out these new screens from the playable demo at E3 to see for yourself…

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The year’s best zombie/stripper movie thus far!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Friday Night Midnight Movies is an irregularly occurring feature whose purpose is to showcase little-to-no budget films that play at late night theaters in the slums of America and the bombed-out megaplexes of the former Soviet Republic Eastern Bloc!

This week’s film is “Zombie Strippers”, a movie that artfully combines two of every man’s favorite things: tits and zombies. Both as dumb as it sounds and infinitely more intelligent than you might expect, Zombie Strippers is exactly the kind of self-referential horror-comedy that pleases hardcore fans and casual enthusiasts of the genre equally.

Robert Englund about to get a lap dance from Marilyn Manson?

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If ninjas are the new pirates, what’s the new ninja?

By Ted Hucklebuck

When you spend as much time on “teh internetz” as I do, then you tend to see a lot of the same things after awhile. No matter how hard people try to be “random” (as in “OMG Pirates? How random! lol!”), eventually even the most unusual topics will become commonplace.

Which is what happened to pirates at least 100 years ago. Even so, people that are new to the intertubes persist in making pirate themed references even to this day.

Yeah, and that fat ginger bastard didn’t pay them to be there either, right?

This is why I have decided to create this handy guide to acceptable referencing on the interwebz. As I have previously stated, pirates are out. So what, you may be wondering, is the new pirate? Well obviously ninjas are the new pirates, I would inform you. “But Mr. Huckelbuck, aren’t ninjas kinda played out too?” you might ask. After smiting you with my +15 sword of Grondor for speaking out of turn, I would inform you that you are correct, and in actuality, lolcatz are the new ninjas.

The buck obviously doesn’t stop there though people. Everyone knows that the moment your aunt Debbie in Montana emails you an lolcat, the fad is now officially dead. Thankfully zombies have have risen from their graves stepped (or skulked, or dragged, or loped, or whatever the hell you wanna call it) in to take their place.

Starring Corey Feldman as “Rapist Cat”.

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Rock N’ Roll, Blood, Guts, and Sluts!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Friday Night Midnight Movies is a new irregularly occurring feature whose purpose is to showcase little-to-no budget films that play at late night theaters in the slums of America and the bombed-out megaplexes of the former Soviet Republic Eastern Bloc.

Unlike the 300 million dollar nuclear turds that you probably enjoy bitching about on Monday mornings to your little friends, these slightly smaller, much less costly turds can actually be a lot of fun.

This week’s feature film is “Attitude For Destruction”, a movie that combines the origin of everybody’s favorite Sunset Strip cock rock band, Guns N’ Roses, with a Satan worshiping blood soaked titty flashing zombie picture and a $40 budget. The film stars the singer of real life Guns N’ Roses cover band (Hollywood Roses) front man, Colby Veil, as a scorned band mate, murdered in cold blood by his band mates over a record deal.

I have this dream, like, every night. Is that weird?

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Cloverfield what?

By Jeremy Azevedo

With 2005’s “Land of the Dead”, George Romero disproved the old adage that “like pizza, there’s no such thing as a bad zombie movie”.

This year, the tarnished master of zombie horror will attempt to reclaim his title with “Diary of the Dead”, a retelling of the original “Night of the Living Dead” movie from the perspective of a student filmmaker who happens to be at ground zero when the zombie outbreak begins.

That cameraman looks pretty calm for someone that’s about to be devoured by a zombie/electrical tape mummy of some sort.

As much as I liked “Cloverfield” for what it was, I don’t think I could sit through another jerky, out of focus, motion sickness inducing horror movie this decade. Thankfully, “Diary of the Dead” features semi-professional fictional cameramen as opposed to the amateur fictional cameramen in “Cloverfield”. This allows Romero to tell the story from a unique perspective while still retaining the stark, evil, cinematic look that is present in all of his horror offerings.

Om nom nom nom nom!

“Diary of the Dead” will be released theatrically on February 15 of this year, giving you plenty of time to consult your Zombie Survival Guide and get that whole Valentine’s Day thing out of the way so you can concentrate on what really matters: Good old fashioned zombies that neither run nor play musical instruments, talk, shoot guns or drive cars. Zombies from a better time in which the undead swarmed their victims with sheer numbers and impossible diligence in their quest to consume the flesh of the living.

Check out the trailer for “Diary of the Dead” on Shocktillyoudrop.com!

Ten more cult films to get you through the holidays!

ow that there is a writer’s strike going on, and the holiday movies have yet to start pouring in, what’s a person to watch on their new 407 inch HDTV? I mean, how many times can you really watch “Transformers” or “Pirates” before the initial “wow” factor turns to bitter disappointment and disinterest? You’ll be glad to know that we have compiled yet another list of awesome cult films that you are guaranteed to want to watch over and over again (if you aren’t too emotionally scarred the first time). Rest assured that these straight-to-video gems will tickle your fancy so hard that you’ll want to take a shower afterward, and never waste your time watching TV doctor dramas again!

Cult Cinema: The alpha and omega of cinematic sleaze.

#10 I Spit On Your Grave

Kind of like that one scene from “Deliverance”, only stretched out over two hours.

“I Spit on Your Grave” may just be the raddest title ever given to a movie. This alone should be enough to warrant the viewing of this film! Which is not to say that there are not other perfectly good reasons. “I Spit on Your Grave” is of the most controversial films ever made, drawing such scorn and disgust from movie critics that it was banned in several countries upon it’s release. To this day, fat-ass film geek Roger Ebert calls it “the worst movie ever made”, dude to it’s strict adherence to the three R’s: Rape, Revenge, and Retards. Watch for yourself and be your own judge, but beware, “I Spit on Your Grave” is not for the squeamish! The notorious castration scene will make even the most hardcore horror fans cover their eyes!

B-Movie Clichés: Tits, revenge, rape, castration, sodomy, scary rednecks, torture, ax murder.

WTF Quote: Andy: Y’know, sometimes I look at these gorgeous-looking chicks, I mean the ones that look like real knockouts, sexy and all… and I wonder… I wonder if they gotta take a shit, too.

Stanley: Hey, all women shit. Women are full of shit.

#9 Ichi The Killer

Believe it or not, this isn’t even the goriest scene in the movie, not by a long shot.

Of the nearly 100 splatterhouse movies directed by iconic Japanese director, Takashi Miike, Ichi the Killer is perhaps the best known in the states, and for good reason. Masochistic yakuza hitman Kakihara is one of the most sadistic villains in cinema, whose savagery is rivaled only by Ichi, a sexually repressed, totally unstable, murderous psychopathic man-child. “Ichi the Killer” somehow manages to combine some of the goriest scenes imaginable with strangely comical performances and dialogue in ways that would make Quentin Tarantino jealous. “Ichi” is worth seeing for the suspended fishhooks and hot oil torture scene alone.

B-Movie Clichés: Arterial blood spray, tits, gangsters, revenge, sadomasochism, exploding guts, torture, rape, misunderstood monsters, bizarre humor, evil adversary, everybody knows karate, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Kakihara: Listen, when you’re giving pain to someone, don’t think about the pain that person is feeling. Just concentrate on how good it feels to be causing someone pain. That’s the best thing you can do for a true masochist!

#8 Street Trash

What’s grosses than an exploding bum? How about an exploding bum, melting into a public toilet?

“Street Trash” is probably the best, if not only, homeless action adventure horror comedy of the last 100 years. The funny thing about the homeless people in this movie, which was made in the 80’s, is that they all look exactly like the privileged Hollywood hipsters of today. Go figure! In “Street Trash”, a lovable transient date rapist is caught in a power struggle between a psychotic Vietnam vet that presides over his own personal junkyard gang and the hard-ass cop that wants to bring him down. Throw into the mix cheap local liquor that melts hobos from the inside out and you have the makings of the dirtiest, slimiest gore-fest around.

B-Movie Clichés: Homeless heroes, plucky detective, paranoid kid, psychopathic Vietnam vet, tits, evil adversary, exploding guts, racial insensitivity, rape, implied rape, drugs, bizarre humor, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Bill The Cop: Lady, I ain’t so sure you don’t have a cock.

#7 The Human Tornado

In simpler times, all disagreements were solved with a vigorous karate match.

The Human Tornado is actually part of a series of “Dolemite” movies, that truly encapsulate the blaxploitation genre that Shaft and Superfly helped to build. The Human Tornado is like a Samuel L. Jackson family reunion, with more cussing, jive-talking, pimp slapping and awkwardly performed karate than is even humanly conceivable. Rudy Ray Moore is awesome as a rapping, ass kicking, babe slaying hustler that clashes with the mafia for trying to shake down his top girl, Queen Bee’s nightclub.

B-Movie Clichés: Everybody knows karate, sexy sidekick, revenge, racial insensitivity, sex, gangsters, tits, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Dolemite: He think he’s bad and ain’t got no class! I’m gon’ rock this shotgun up his muthaf**kin’ ass!
#6 Basket Case

This is why you should never schedule a doctors appointment on Halloween.

One theme that is recurrent in cult films is bitter, pissed off, homicidal, deformed Siamese twins separated at birth from their otherwise normal siblings. Belial is one such creature, who sneaks out of his basket to murder his bumpkin brother Duane’s dates and acquaintances in the bloodiest of ways. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a bodiless flipper baby with a mongoloid head rip the face off of some unexpecting sucker/victim!

B-Movie Clichés: Freaks, bizarre humor, sex, ax murder, buckets of blood, misunderstood monsters, revenge, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Josephine: What’s in the basket?
Duane Bradley: [laughs] My brother!

#5 Shakes The Clown

Alcoholic clowns: Maybe a pony would be a better choice for your child’s birthday party?

“Shakes the Clown” is the Citizen Kane of alcoholic Clown movies. That’s what it says on the back of the box, and I have to agree that this is true. The underrated genius of Bobcat Goldthwait stars alongside such past and present greats as Julie Brown, Adam Sandler and Kathy Griffin in what may be one of the most comprehensive looks at the party clown lifestyle ever committed to film. Even Robin Williams makes an appearance as the instructor of a troupe of mimes, the natural prey of party clowns (who are in turn the natural prey of rodeo clowns). Even if you’re retarded, and doubt the comedic range of Bobcat, I assure you that “Shakes the Clown” is hilarious from start to finish.

B-Movie Clichés: Bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, acute alcoholism, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities, clowns, gangsters, evil adversary.

WTF Quote: Shakes the Clown: I could quit drinking any time I want. This one time, I quit for a whole month! Dink the Clown: Shakes, that doesn’t count, man, you were in a coma. With alcohol poisoning!

#4 Big Trouble in Little China

Kim Catrell and Kurt Russel illustrating why the revival of 80’s fashion must be brought to a stop before it’s too late.

It’s hard to pick just one cult movie starring Kurt Russell and/or directed by John Carpenter. But if pressed, I would have to go with “Big Trouble in Little China”. This is a movie with something for everyone: Love, karate, machine guns, monsters, comedy, the supernatural, everything. Kurt Russell is basically the greatest action star of all time, and “Big Trouble” serves up some of the best death sequences you will ever see. This is a “can’t miss” movie, even if the bad guy that looks like famous character actor Gary Oldman is not actually Gary Oldman.

B-Movie Clichés: Evil adversary, gangsters, homeless heroes, misunderstood monsters, wise old dude, sexy sidekick, useless sidekick, exploding guts, everybody knows karate, bizarre humor, freaks, climactic showdown, John Carpenter, Kurt Russell

WTF Quote: Jack Burton: Hey, I’m a reasonable guy. But I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.

#3 Orgazmo

This picture defies the need for a snarky caption.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker have given us so many good movies and TV shows, bless their hearts. But somehow, this particular gem of a movie often goes unrecognized for no good goddamn reason. Orgazmo is the story of a naïve young Mormon turned porn star turned superhero. Trey Parker stars as the titular character, Joe young, whose faith is tested by an industry that is sorely lacking in moral fiber. With the help of his sidekick, “Choda Boy”, and his “Orgazmorator” ray, young Joe must infiltrate Maxxx Orbison’s porno mafia to win back his fiancée and his Mormon pride!

B-Movie Clichés: Tits, evil adversary, useless sidekick, racial insensitivity, bizarre humor, sex, sodomy, everybody knows karate, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
Joe Young: Oh yeah, the Greek mythology.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think unicorns are kick ass!

#2 Dead Alive

Dead Alive: Probably spent twice the budget on fake blood than for everything else combined.

The lawnmower scene in this movie is the goriest scene ever filmed. Period. How Peter Jackson ever got someone to give him 300 bazillion dollars to make hobbit movies after producing a string of gross out, low budge zombie flicks like this is beyond anyone’s grasp. When a Sumatran rat-monkey infects pussy mama’s boy New Zealander Lionel’s mother with a zombie virus, all hell breaks loose as he tries to keep her from eating the whole goddamn town. I can safely say that this film is batshit crazy, if not for the zombie babies, ninja priests and pathetic John Arbuckle love story between Lionel and his neighbor, Paquita, than at least for the scene in which a mutated super zombie form of Lionel’s mother tries to return him to her womb.

B-Movie Clichés: Zombies, ax murder, arterial spray, exploding guts, buckets of blood, bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, Oedipus complex.

WTF Quote: Paquita Maria Sanchez: Your mother ate my dog!
Lionel Cosgrove: Not all of it.

#1 Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

If you don’t love Pee-Wee, than the terrorists have already won.

Believe it or not, this movie is actually a remake of Vittorio De Sica’s Italian neo-realist classic, “The Bicycle Thief”. In a way, that makes all the low brow, family friendly dick and fart jokes even more amusing! Everything about this movie manages to be funny and creepy at the same time, a combination that would make director Tim Burton and composer Danny Elfman shit-tons money in the future. Paul Rubens at the height of Pee
Wee Herman fame commits entirely to a character so weird that Jim Carrey would sell his soul to be even a shadow of. If you don’t believe that Paul Rubens is a genius among entertainers just because he likes happened to have a jack attack in a porno theater one day, than you are a tard. Everyone, especially dorks who love Tim Burton’s crappy puppet movies but have never seen one of his actual films, should own this movie.

B-Movie Clichés: Bizarre humor, freaks, misunderstood monsters, Tim Burton, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Pee-wee: There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand. Dottie: I don’t understand…

If you enjoyed this list, check out the first Top 10 Cult Movies article HERE.