Mongo Nation

Forget lightsabers, it’s all about the Beam Katana!

By Dustin Pena

While fanboys across America are swimming in tears over the recent delay of the Super Smash Brothers Brawl’s February release, I’m swimming in blood with another recent Wii exclusive title. I’m talking, of course, about No More Heroes.

In the game, you assume the role of aspiring assassin Travis Touchdown, who looks like he just returned from a shopping spree at Urban Outfitters. Gay. Travis wants to hack n’ slash his way through the ranks of the world’s top assassins, thus earning himself a hot night of hump hump with his big tittied contact, Sylvia Crystel. Super Smash what?

About 0.01 seconds before the whole screen is showered in digital blood.

In order to get to #1 you must master the ways of the Beam Katana, a lightsaber-like sword that can cut through meat like a hot knife through butter. They call it a Beam Katana but it’s more like a magic wand as it has an uncanny ability to turn people into blood. You swing your Beam by tapping the A button on the remote and once you whittle down an opponent’s health you swing the remote in a certain direction to deliver the finishing blow that decapitates or cleaves the opponent in half with a 100% chance of blood showers. If you rally up a string of combos a slot machine appears and should you hit the jackpot Travis will scream out a bone-chilling war cry such as “Raspberry Choclate Sundae!” or “Blueberry Cheese Brownies!” and if you’re not Travis it’s time to shit your pants. Once Travis belts out the names of various desserts he enters into a murderous rampage where the screen goes black and white, and by pushing various buttons when prompted to, Travis will dispatch his foes with even more gore and guts. There are other effects that the jackpots will have on Travis but experiencing each one for yourself is a Blueberry Cheese Brownie in and of itself.

In order to reach a top ranked assassin you must battle your way through hordes of baddies by slicing and dicing, performing suplexes, and swinging your remote like a bat to hit baseballs at murderous pitchers. The shear variety of how you can off a foe makes the battling in this game so satisfying. Your Beam Katana may also run out of juice from time to time and you must wildly “jack off” your remote to get it death ready again. Watching Travis jerk it is comedy gold. You continue on when suddenly your remote begins to ring and you must hold it to your ear to listen to instructions from Sylvia. It’s little touches like this that set this game apart. Once you hang up the phone it’s time to enter into a boss fight, I recommend saving your game by making Travis take a shit before you do battle. Seriously, you must shit to save.

The boss battles in this game are the cherry on top of the Raspberry Chocolate Sundae. No top ranked assassin fights the same and figuring out how to bring them down has me charging my Beam Katana! You’ll find yourself chopping away at dual six-shooter wielding opera singer on a baseball diamond or diving behind props at a movie studio in order to dodge the attacks of a super hero who shoots lasers from his pecker. The top assassins are so crazy and off the wall that once you defeat one you can’t wait to see who you’ll match swords with next and suffice it to say that every boss battle ends with severed limbs, spilling guts, four letter words, and gallons of gushing blood.

Travis furiously jacking (charging) his Beam Katana.

The only issue I have with No More Heroes is that in order to challenge the next top ranked assassin you must pay an entry fee which means you must make money. In order to make a buck Travis must take on odd jobs such as mowing lawns, harvesting coconuts, or picking up trash, all of which play out in true Wii minigame fashion. It’s not that the jobs aren’t fun, the first time, it’s that you have to get on your motorcycle and drive to the job center, pick a job, drive to the job site, perform your job, get back on your bike and repeat several times. It’s just slows down the game and momentarily lessens your blood lust. Once you pony up the cash you can enter the next battle or use your cash to buy new threads, upgrade your Beam Katana, rent movies, or work out at a gym where the owner asks you to take off your clothes and spread your butt cheeks. (Actually I will take that Smash Bros. now, thank you.) If shopping or murdering have worn you down you can return to your hotel room and watch some movies, change your clothes, admire your card collection, play with your kitten, or take a hot dump. This game has everything!

This is by far one of the best games I’ve played on the Wii or any console for that matter. It pains me that it underperformed in Japan and if us Americans pass it over for games like M&M’s Kart Racing we will be losing out on truly original I.P.’s in favor of games based on popular snacks. If you like blood, guts, laughs, blood, boobies, lawns, blood, turds, foul language, kittens, motorcycles, blood, baseball, swords, guns, blood, blood, pecker lasers, and blood than this game is for you. If you don’t you can look forward to such future releases as Cheez-It Wrestling or Little Debbie’s RPG.

Trippy sequel to beloved Saturn game 10 years in the making!

By Dustin Pena

The original NiGHTS on the Sega Saturn is a timeless classic, at least that’s what EVERY review has been saying. I don’t remember it that way, in fact I don’t remember it. I know I played it but it must have been forgettable because you would tend to remember a game about flying child molesters if it was indeed a classic but I digress.

Regardless and of how you choose to remember your first NiGHTS experience somebody better call Chris Hanson because NiGHTS is back in NiGHTS Journey of Dreams for the Nintendo Wii.

You start the game off as a young boy named Will whose father decides to abandon him at a soccer game, presumably to speed off to Vegas for a weekend of debauchery and buffets. Now that daddy’s gone NiGHTS is safe for a good old fashioned child abduction and Will is magically transported to the world of Nightopia via scary portal. I guess the trunk of NiGHTS’ car was full. Upon his arrival, Will is met by a fat headed talking Owl cleverly named Owl. Owl is a child pimp who proceeds to tell Will that Will has the ability to fly but first he must “touch NiGHTS”…Eww. When NiGHTS began to speak to Will the foundations of my gaming world were rocked. Apparently NiGHTS is a girl! Now I don’t feel so bad cause every young boy wants a shot at an older chick. You go Will. Once you man up and “touch” this bizarre lady of the evening you’re ready to join the mile high club and the game begins.

A scene from the NiGHTS bonus underwater mescaline-trip level.

The first thing you’ll notice about NiGHTS is the mesmerizing music. Actually, you’ll be noticing the music a lot because for some reason the developers thought that the best way to enjoy the music is by blasting it over the in game dialogue. Lazy sound design really pisses me off. Nevertheless, this game is about the magic of flight and this is where NiGHTS soars…into invisible walls. This is not a free roaming aerial opera but rather an on-rails adventure where you must steer NiGHTS through a series of midair gold rings and blue orbs while paralooping wandering Nightmares, avoiding obstacles, and chasing after sky worthy Octopi! To say this game is a visual trip is to say water is wet. As NiGHTS you’ll progress through Nightopia by accomplishing various missions that mostly rely on speed or the accuracy of your steering ability. Fly through a set number of scattered rings without missing one, race this asshole to steal a key, save these dipshits before time runs out, etc. It’s not rocket science but it is fun, especially when you encounter a gigantic boss and you’re finally given the freedom to roam and soak in the Burtonesque atmosphere and the incredibly eerie music. These encounters are where the game really shines.

The controls are fairly simple and your given the option of several different control methods. You can use the Wii remote, classic controller, gamecube controller, or the ever popular remote/nunchuck combo. I prefer the latter. Flying with NiGHTS is much as you might imagine up, down, left, right, or twirl the control stick to perform loops. You can also twist the remote to barrel roll and perform other aerial acrobatics but this is mostly pointless unless you really love those combos. To sum it up this game is fairly relaxing and and somewhat addictive. Much like Zack and Wiki I get my jollies by playing it in short bursts and it’s certainly the type of game that lends itself to shortened sessions. The dialogue audio and frame rate animation during the cut scenes are crap but it doesn’t really ruin the experience. There are some Wi-Fi additions like two player races that are worth a look over, however the My Dream option which allows you to enter other players’ “dreams” ,where you do little more than wander around a field and see the monsters they’ve captured, is pointless and boring and stupid and lame. Add in a second character, a young lass named Helen, for some hot girl on girl action and you have an enjoyable game that should run you under seven hours of life wasted. There’s certainly nothing like NiGHTS out now so I can safley reccomend it for anyone looking for something new but with the previous release of Super Mario Galaxy fresh on the minds of hungry gamers we won’t soon be saying pedophiles are the new plumbers. For those of you who like numbers a 7/10. Good NiGHT

If you’re a Wii owner, you may have noticed, and by “may have noticed”, I mean that it must be painfully obvious to you that third party support of the Wii is abysmal, at best. Whether developers don’t understand the control system or whether they don’t want to put their full effort into an “underpowered” system, the fact remains that the majority of games not made by Nintendo mostly amount to poor-quality ports with tacked on motion controls.

“Code Lyoko: Quest For Infinity” goes to great lengths to prove that even a smaller game design company can make a game that makes sense on the Wii, and makes you wonder what the major leaguers excuses are. While Code Lyoko is a bit of a kid’s game, it does offer a fair amount of challenge to more seasoned gamers and makes excellent use of the Wii’s unique wii-mote and nunchuck control design.

To fill you in, Code Lyoko is a popular cartoon in which five teenagers enter a virtual world known as “Lyoko” a la “The Matrix”, to do battle with an evil artificial intelligence known as “Xana”. The game revolves around the struggle to stop Xana from replicating itself and invading the real world in a bid for total world domination.

You begin Code Lyoko in sort of a 2-D animated hub world, in which you can communicate with other characters similar to a point-and-click adventure game. There is little incentive to do so other than to flesh out the story and learn more about your team, which can be helpful as there is little introduction for those not already familiar with the story. It’s a little cutesy for my tastes, but anime fans will enjoy it I’m sure.

When you’re ready to go into battle, you virtualize yourself at “The Factory”, and enter the digital world. Once there, you will control four different warriors, each with their own unique powers and methods of attack. The powers are where the game really shines, as you are constantly finding new ones and powering them up with experience gained throughout the levels. Almost all of the powers require some sort of unique motion control that takes excellent advantage of the wii-mote’s unique capabilities. These may range from telekinesis and flying, to wall jumping, balancing and freezing enemies.

Not a joke this time… (We’re almost certain).

The last time Nintendorks heard about Sonic the Hedgehog appearing in a Smash Bros. game, it turned out to be a nasty April Fools prank courtesy of EGM. Now, it looks as if the mascot match-up of the century is finally a reality, as Nintendo has announced the inclusion of Sonic in the upcoming Wii game, Smash Bros. Brawl.

Not that Sonic had anything better to do than to appear in a game that’s actually good for once.

Check out the video here:

What other surprises does Smash Bros. have in store for us?

We’ve already got Pitt, now what about possibly gay Simon Belmont and abusive, alcoholic midget Mega Man?

Is anyone else hoping for the cast of Captain N: The Game Master?

How did they keep this a secret for so long?

In a surprise announcement today, Nintendo has confirmed that the pack-in game to be included with the soon to be released Wii Zapper will not be a new version of Duck Hunt, as had been previously hinted. Even better, it will be a new Zelda game entitled: “Link’s Crossbow Training”.

Pray to whatever god you worship that the outfit is not also included.

The game will run on an engine similar to Twilight Princess. Link’s Crossbow Training will challenge players to start of with stationary targets and gradually increase their skill to the point at which they can successfully defend against hoards of attacking monsters. It isn’t necessarily a full-fledged adventure but the sound of it, but rather a fun introduction to the style of play incorporated by the new peripheral.

The Wii Zapper in all it’s glory, clutched in the grease stained fingers of some fanboy.

The Wii Zapper is a single unit that will incorporate the WiiMote and it’s nunchuck attachment into one device that can be used for precision targeting. Some of the upcoming games that will support the Wii Zapper are EA’s Medal of Honor Heroes 2, Capcom’s Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles and Sega’s Ghost Squad.

Next-Gen Duck Hunt?

It remains to be seen how the Wii Zapper will differentiate itself from some of the tired old light gun games of yesterday, but given their recent track record, I’d say it’s only fair to give them the benefit of the doubt. The Wii Zapper with Link’s Crossbow Training will be available Nov. 19, and will retail for only $19.99.

Hogan’s Alley: A game from a better time, in which every single character had a mustache.

At that price, and with Link included, it’s pretty much a no-brainer for Nintendo fans both old and new. But some of us older fans are still going to be a bit pissed if the Duckhunt and Hogan’s Alley remakes are not forthcoming.

Three bonafide classics and one practical joke(?) in one week!

Landstalker: The Treasures of King Nole :

Genesis - 4 out of 5

Nigel the fairy man sneaking off to take a whiz at the Cannibal Teddy Bear Picnic.

Despite the fact that the Genesis was not ever really known for action RPGs, Landstalker is still fondly remembered as one of the best games in the genre.

At first it’s a pain in the ass to play Landstalker because the learning curve for controlling your character in a 3-D isometric view is so steep. Every pissant enemy can walk right up and kill you as you swing away in the wrong direction or walk right off a cliff. However, once you get the hang of it, Landstalker becomes as addicting as any of the great action adventure games of it’s type, reminding me a little of The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past.

If you’ve already played Zelda to death, and are still jonesing for another fix of gay elf treasure hunting, definitely pick this up. It’s not as simple as Nuetopia, which came out on the VC a couple of weeks ago, but it’s infinitely deeper and will probably keep you busy longer as well.

Bonk 3: Bonk’s Big Adventure

TurboGrafx 16 – 5 out of 5

What really killed off the dinosaurs: Mongoloid cave-babies.

This game is awesome. The graphics and sound are upbeat, colorful and original. The control is great. As a mascot, Bonk is very likeable, and I’d even go so far as to say that this game reminds me a bit of Super Mario World on the SNES in terms of quality, secrets and special abilities.

The ability to drastically change sizes by easting different colored candy may even have been bitten off by Mario, and it’s a great play mechanic here. Giant Bonk can smash enemies to hell while Tiny Bonk can squeeze into more tight crevices than a Catholic priest.

Bonk 3 is a fine example of what makes old school platformers great and should definitely not be missed.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math

NES – 1 out of 5

Donkey Kong Jr. Math: Helping you learn to hate learning.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but I will anyway. This game is crap. Edutainment is crap. (Except for Oregon Trail, that game was sweet.) And I even love Donkey Kong Jr. It’s my favorite Donkey Kong game of all time. But add math to it and what you end up with is a really inefficient calculator. It may even be less fun than a calculator.

At least you can use a calculator to spell “BOOBIES” and “ASS”, which is at least good for a chuckle or two.