Mongo Nation

By Jeremy Azevedo

While I didn’t manage to make it to the Consumer Electronics Show this year, I did get to get to have a look at some of the amazing new devices that debuted there. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to read any of the descriptions that came along with them.

However, I felt that most of them were pretty self-explanatory, so following is my best guess at what some of these astounding new inventions actually do.

If you have two or more cats from different parts of the world, then you know how difficult it can for them to communicate in their various native tongues. Now, thanks to the Cat Translator, Little Paco can finally communicate to little Klaus just exactly what’s on his fuzzy little mind! The Cat Translator comes pre loaded with extensive vocabularies in English, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, Hindi, Hebrew, Mandarin, Japanese, LOL Cat and Meowlish. Miscommunication is the root cause of most feline disagreements. Bring peace to the Middle East of your home or apartment with the Cat Translator!

Everybody knows how difficult it can be to really get a deep down cleaning in the colon. Sure, you could use a loofah or a sponge, but then you’ll never be able to use it anywhere else ever again. Think of the cost! Thank goodness that the good people at Sideways Smilebrite have introduced the USB Powered Anal Brush, a vibrating, multi speed scrubber that makes cleaning your stinkhole easy! The soft-bristled rotating heads remove debris, clean and disinfect, all the while releasing one of three pleasing scents from replaceable smell cartridges. Choose between Cherry, Vanilla or New Car Smell! Your ass crack will be clean enough to eat off of in no time. Great for home or the office!

Insurance these days can be prohibitively expensive. And even if you do manage to get to a doctor, you’d be surprised how inept some of them can be, or how little your insurance actually covers. So what is one to do about those pesky brain tumors caused by years of strapping a cell phone directly to one’s face for hours at a time, day after day? King’s Idea has the solution. Introducing the Home Brain Surgery Kit! The HBSK is a unique device that incorporates a periscope-like camera with a high-powered surgical laser. Simply use the camera to locate the cancerous mass, aim, and fire away! Be careful not to overdo it, it you may run the risk of accidentally lobotomizing yourself!

Having shiny, expensive rims is cool and everything, but what about those of us that live in wet, rainy, hurricane-prone environments? LED flashing, sparkling metal rims can short circuit and rust, making your car look sad and broke instead of mad stoked. Why not get yourself some Inflatable Rims? Inflatable Rims look tight, are functional, and turn heads with their rugged sex appeal when fully engorged. Don’t get stuck with some lame, limp rims when you can get pumped up with Inflatable Rims and hydroplane through a sea of tasty babes, who, as we all know are totally into, like, cars and rims and stuff. It’s like, on the cover of Cosmo every month, right?

Tired of sexually transmitted microorganisms ruining your day by making you itch like a flea-ridden dog in the middle of summer? Use the Crab Vacuum to suck those little buggers into oblivion! The Crab Vacuum is just as effective as topical creams and antibiotics, but 100 times more fun. Even better, powerful blades puree the crabs into a fine paste, which can then be spread onto crackers or baked into mini crab cakes for additional enjoyment!

When the power goes out, you can light candles like some kind of idiot, or use an expensive and noise polluting generator, like a moron. Or you can do what granddad did, and exploit animals to do your bidding! The Hamster Operated Battery is powered by a hamster, which once locked into the wheel, can never stop running. Your fuzzy little buddy can generate enough electricity to power a 900 square foot apartment for up to twelve hours, which is about how long it will take for him to drop dead from exhaustion. But don’t worry! Replacement hamsters are readily available for very little cost at our local pet shop. Just don’t house to many of them together, or they will go all Highlander on you, devouring one another until only one survives.

What with the writer’s strike going on and everything, it’s not like there’s anything to watch anyway. Why not sell your $10,000, 75 inch plasma screen TV, spend $9,750 of it on hookers and blow, and use the remaining $250 to build a smart, aesthetically pleasing modular cherry wood TV and entertainment center from Ikea? The Wooden TV looks great, gives your home a kitchy, old-timey feel, and has a large enough display to nail a picture of your favorite show to stare at for a half an hour. No commercials! If you’re really lazy, get a crossbow so that you can “change the channel” by nailing up new pictures from across the room!

Being crippled has never been so much fun! The Hover Chair from Xaviar Laboratories hovers 3 feet off of the ground and moves at a top speed of fifteen miles an hour! Stock accessories include a seat belt, seat warmer, built in phone and GPS device, and a bitchen stereo with subwoofers that can peel paint off the wall at twenty paces! You may even want to pretend to be crippled just so you could rock a Hover Chair, and always skip to the end of the line at amusement parks! But that would make you an asshole and a fraud. No seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking about it.

Check back later in the week for more cool gadgets!