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Mongo Nation


Wii Virtual Console Reviews, Sept. week 2 0

Posted on September 11, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

This week: Reviews in HAIKU form.

Definition of a HAIKU: A major form of Japanese verse, written in 17 syllables divided into 3 lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables, and employing highly evocative allusions and comparisons, often on the subject of why a video game is rad or sucks.

Sonic The Hedgehog 3 – Genesis – 3 out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog: A bright blue flash of mediocrity.

Try as Sega might…
Sonic will always be the
Poor man’s Mario.

NES Play Action Football – NES – 2 out of 5


I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in this picture. Is this another math game?

Why the hell would one
Want to play this crap, when you
Could play Tecmo Bowl?

Neutopia 2 – TurboGrafx-16 – 4 out of 5


About to get pwned, wa wa waaaah!

So much like Zelda
It’s almost criminal. But…
Crime is lots of fun!

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Wii Virtual Console Reviews, Sept. Week 1 0

Posted on September 05, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Three bonafide classics and one practical joke(?) in one week!

Landstalker: The Treasures of King Nole :

Genesis - 4 out of 5


Nigel the fairy man sneaking off to take a whiz at the Cannibal Teddy Bear Picnic.

Despite the fact that the Genesis was not ever really known for action RPGs, Landstalker is still fondly remembered as one of the best games in the genre.

At first it’s a pain in the ass to play Landstalker because the learning curve for controlling your character in a 3-D isometric view is so steep. Every pissant enemy can walk right up and kill you as you swing away in the wrong direction or walk right off a cliff. However, once you get the hang of it, Landstalker becomes as addicting as any of the great action adventure games of it’s type, reminding me a little of The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past.

If you’ve already played Zelda to death, and are still jonesing for another fix of gay elf treasure hunting, definitely pick this up. It’s not as simple as Nuetopia, which came out on the VC a couple of weeks ago, but it’s infinitely deeper and will probably keep you busy longer as well.

Bonk 3: Bonk’s Big Adventure

TurboGrafx 16 – 5 out of 5


What really killed off the dinosaurs: Mongoloid cave-babies.

This game is awesome. The graphics and sound are upbeat, colorful and original. The control is great. As a mascot, Bonk is very likeable, and I’d even go so far as to say that this game reminds me a bit of Super Mario World on the SNES in terms of quality, secrets and special abilities.

The ability to drastically change sizes by easting different colored candy may even have been bitten off by Mario, and it’s a great play mechanic here. Giant Bonk can smash enemies to hell while Tiny Bonk can squeeze into more tight crevices than a Catholic priest.

Bonk 3 is a fine example of what makes old school platformers great and should definitely not be missed.

Adventure Island

NES – 2 out of 5


Master Higgins wears a helmet and kneepads while riding a skateboard, yet he fights fire breathing homicidal pig monsters in nothing but a grass skirt. Makes sense.

This game makes me so pissed that I don’t even want to talk about it. But since I have to, I will say this: Master Higgins is a MF from hell, sent here to taunt me with a game that looks like a lot of fun but is nigh impossible.

This is one of those games I’ve always wanted to play but never got around to. I almost feel as if I had played it, because it has such a familiar and iconic look to it. What mascot could be more lovable than a ball-cap wearing fat guy in a grass skirt, inexplicably riding a skateboard on an island whilst throwing stone-age hammers at giant snails?

Unfortunately, everything in Adventure Island can kill you at once, from a snail or a bug, to an immobile rock, a fire, even starvation. Fat as Master Higgins is, he can’t survive longer than a few seconds without constantly eating food. Interestingly enough, he is also unable to stop moving, especially when on the aforementioned skateboard.

I couldn’t even pass the first level of this game. With time and practice, I could see myself eventually enjoying this game more. But as it stands now, I would almost rather play Donkey Kong Jr. Math than this.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math

NES – 1 out of 5


Donkey Kong Jr. Math: Helping you learn to hate learning.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but I will anyway. This game is crap. Edutainment is crap. (Except for Oregon Trail, that game was sweet.) And I even love Donkey Kong Jr. It’s my favorite Donkey Kong game of all time. But add math to it and what you end up with is a really inefficient calculator. It may even be less fun than a calculator.

At least you can use a calculator to spell “BOOBIES” and “ASS”, which is at least good for a chuckle or two.

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Wii Virtual Console Reviews, Aug. 27 0

Posted on August 27, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

This week: Hardcore niche classics for the self-flagellating gamer!

This week in Virtual Console releases: Games that are awesome if you didn’t already download any of the nearly identical versions that already came out a month ago!

Ghouls ‘n Ghosts – Genesis – 3 out of 5


Naked bearded dude faces his imminent death, scratches ass.

This is one of those games that is loved by many and reviled by the rest. I want to like Ghouls ‘n Ghosts (in it’s various incarnations), but even by arcade standards they are stupid hard. If I wanted to watch little dudes in their underwear get killed every 30 seconds, I’d rent a Taiwanese snuff film.

Compounding the reasons why this game is unnecessary, it comes out after the very similar but wholly superior SNES version, Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, has already been out for weeks. If you are a gaming masochist, at least get that version, which has superior graphics and sound, and controls slightly better.

If you have a bad temper, take my advice and stay the hell away from this game. Nobody wants to hear F-bombs raining like a hailstorm from your living room window.

Super C – NES – 4 out of 5


Shirtless muscle man Vs. the Vagina Dentata = Bitchen’ to the maxxx!

Here’s an example of a great game that looks less so by comparison. We’ve already got Contra 3, Gunstar Heroes and Bloody Wolf. How many games about macho shirtless dudes blowing up robots and commies like bullets are going out of style do we really need? The answer is: As many as it goddamn takes, so shut up.

I’m sure many of us have fond memories of (2-D era) Contra, and this is due in large to the influence of this game. Super C pushed the limits of what was possible on the NES, improving on the original in almost every way, and I’d be hard pressed to name many shooters in it’s peer group that even come close to being as good.

This is not to say that Super C is without flaw or even that it fully withstands the test of time. The controls are not perfect, the challenge is a bit extreme at times (though nowhere near as difficult as the aforementioned Ghouls ‘n Ghosts) and of course the graphics and sounds are a bit dated. But fans of Contra that haven’t played this game in ten years will be delighted to discover that the magic is still there.

Breath of Fire 2 – SNES – 4 out of 5


Someone must have let Iron Maiden design these monsters….

Amongst the many B-list RPG franchises, I’ve always had a soft spot for Breath of Fire. It’s one of those series that has little in the way of major innovation, but manages to get the minor details right. Random battles are not too frequent, localization is serviceable, and the narrative is at times surprisingly original.

Despite being fairly standard fare, which is more of a hindrance to the RPG genre than it is in others due to the time investment required, Breath of Fire manages to come at you with characters and situations unlike anything else that you’ve experienced. Your party is made up of cat people, monkey people, armadillo people, frog people… it’s basically a furry’s dream.

Gameplay is the usual turn based combat, overhead map dungeon exploring treasure hunt, but side quests, shape shifting dragon battles as well as a fairly decent story break up the monotony. If you haven’t already got the GBA port of this game, and have the time to devote to a dated RPG, you should definitely try Breath of Fire 2.

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Wii Virtual Console Reviews, Aug. 21 0

Posted on August 21, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Zelda rip-offs, surfing ninjas and Super Metroid!

This may be the best week of Wii Virtual Console reviews yet!
Part of an ongoing feature. Never waste money on bad VC games again!

Neutopia – TurboGrafx-16 – 4 out of 5


All that’s missing is a pair of tiny green tights.

While playing Neutopia, I couldn’t shake the eerie feeling that I was playing some sort of forgotten remake of the original Legend of Zelda. It’s almost as if you feel like you’ve played it before, even though you most likely haven’t.

Everything about it, from the graphical style to the play mechanics to the enemies themselves is like a cut and paste from Nintendo’s classic action/adventure. Even the music is similar. You’ll wonder how this is even legal. Seriously.

In the end though, this turns out to be a good thing, as the game is quite enjoyable, and even throws in some light RPG elements that add to the fun.

Shinobi 3: Return of the Ninja Master – Genesis – 4 out of 5


Fighting this bastard is a real contoller-snapper.

If ninjas are so badass, why are ninja games so goddamn hard? At first this game seems pretty easy. You have shurikens a-plenty, dash attacks, jump kicks, ninja magic, even a wall jump like in Ninja Gaiden.

And then you try and fight a giant monster with an annoyingly frequent hand slapping action that is nearly impossible to jump over because you’re knee-deep in mud, and you realize that the sum total of your useful ninja skills is: dick.

For every controller-snapping moment like this, though, you are rewarded with an equally awesome experience, be it riding horseback at sunset, drop kicking brains with legs across a laboratory floors, surfing (I shit you not) and committing seppuku (honorable suicide) to damage your enemies. Recommended for sheer awsomenisity of theme.

Super Metroid – SNES - 5 out of 5


Does this Varia suit make me look fat? No, but your ass does…

This is probably the best game ever made. Castlevania certainly owes it’s fortunes to this title, as would any game that follows Super Metroid’s formula of upgrading your gear in order to further ones access to an ever expanding, open-ended world.

This game is expertly crafted, with clever puzzles, intense action sequences, great story and presentation, wonderful graphics and sound. When I play a game like this, it makes me sad that so few developers are willing to put resources into 2-D games these days.

If you have played this game before, you probably already have it downloaded. If you haven’t played it, not only should you be ashamed, but also you should really do yourself a favor and give it a try. This is yet another great example of what has always made Nintendo the leader in first-party development.

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