Posted on
September 24, 2007 by
jeremyazevedo
Top 10 Worst Places To Be Trapped With A Horde Of Vampires.
In Barrow, Alaska, there is no sunlight from November 18 through January 24. That’s a long ass time to go without sunlight! In the new film 30 Days of Night, some unlucky folks get stuck in Barrow with a horde of bloodthirsty Vampires. Those losers couldn’t possibly have picked a worse place to be, but we could think of about nine other places that were almost as bad… Following is our list of the top 10 absolute worst places to be trapped with a horde of vampires:
#1 – Barrow, Alaska (30 Days Of Night)
If I was a vampire, I’d make those filthy humans wash up before eating them. I’m just sayin’.
Being that the only thing that really slows down a vampire is the fact that they must hibernate during the day or perish by sunlight, you couldn’t possibly pick a worse place to be trapped by vampires than Barrow, Alaska. Due to it’s location near the North Pole, Barrow experiences 30 consecutive days of night, during which vampires are free from the danger of burning in the sun and unencumbered by the need to sleep. Anyplace else, and vampires would be sitting ducks by day. Here in Barrow, humans are at a significant disadvantage.
#2 – Transylvania
Blah! Bleeah! I am Count Dracula! Bleah! Are you scared yet? Blah!
Known to be populated by the infamous Count Dracula, as well as a host of other well-known vampires and monsters, Transylvania is generally considered to be the birthplace of vampirism. It is believed that the older a vampire is, the stronger they become. As such, your chances of outwitting the centuries-old vampires here are slim to none.
#3 – Sunnydale High School, (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
Buffy: Doing her part to make hot babes, violence and the supernatural as boring as humanly possible.
High school can be hell for some, but for the students of Sunnydale High, it literally is a “Hellmouth”, a portal of supernatural activity. Unless you are close personal friends with Buffy, and perhaps even because of the fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you will be attacked by vampires before you ever see graduation.
#4 - Castlevania
Simon Belmont: a favorite among leather daddy cosplayers.
All manner of devilish creatures reside here, not the least of which is Dracula himself. Bring your whip and holy water along and you may stand a chance, but chances are that most mortals (especially those whose last names are not “Belmont”) would not be leaving here alive.
#5 – Salem’s Lot
Hey kid, it’s Peter Pan! Open up the window!
Salem’s Lot is essentially a town populated by vampires. As the townspeople sleep, Barlow, the master vampire, and his followers set upon them until nearly all of the humans have been converted. In Salem’s Lot, no one can be trusted, and sleep equals death.
#6 – Outer Space
If you’re wondering what that child is doing with that knife, turn to page 38…
Ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure Book, “Space Vampire”? Seriously, you couldn’t turn a page without getting killed in that story. I don’t really know how the day/night cycle works in space, but I do know that claustrophobic spaces and vampires are not a good combination for the living.
#7 – “The Titty Twister” (From Dusk Till Dawn)
The power of Christ compels you… to make half a dozen crappy sequels to this movie!
The Titty Twister seems like a really fun hangout up until the kitchen opens, and you come to realize that you’re what’s on the menu. If you happen to have a super soaker filled with holy water or a crossbow that launches wooden stakes, you may survive the night. Either way, there has got to be better roadhouse strip clubs out there than this.
#8 –Lower Uncton (Married With Children)
The Bundy Family enjoying their free vacation to beautiful Lower Uncton.
Lower Uncton has been under a curse of perpetual darkness ever sense Seamus McBundy, progenitor of the Al Bundy, insulted a fat witch named Poxilda. It is not known whether there are actually any vampires in Lower Uncton, but if there were, rest assured that you would be screwed, as they have not experienced daylight since 1653.
#9 – Theatre des Vampires
“No thanks, we’ve had all the sausage we can handle today already!”
In Interview With The Vampire, The Theatre des Vampires is a place for vampires to mock the existence of mortals. Under the guise of performance art, the vampires here feed on humans that think they are either watching or perhaps even participating in scripted theater. Scream all you want, there will be no convincing the audience that your bloody demise is not part of the entertainment.
#10 – A Box of Count Chocula
Wouldn’t it be bitchen’ if Count Chocula turned your milk blood red instead of brown?
You may remember from your childhood that Count Chocula was a delicious breakfast cereal. You may remember incorrectly. Count Chocula is quite possible the worst of all chocolate flavored cereals, and has probably been out of production for years as a result. Count Chocula is one vampire that you definitely don’t want to get stuck with at the breakfast table.
