Mongo Nation

While rumors of 3-D televisions have persisted for years, maybe even decades, there are those of us that are asking, “Just when the f**k can I buy one already?” Well, the answer is really “not any time soon, you impatient bastard”. But at least now you can get the next best thing: The LSDTV! The LSDTV doesn’t actually project an image of any kind, but it does secrete a hallucinogenic substance derived from psilocybin. Just lick your screen, sit back, and enjoy the show! You can be your very own programming director, and enjoy shows in full HD, 3-D, whatever. Talk to your favorite celebrities and dead relatives! The LSDTV gets every channel you can imagine, because it’s all in your imagination. So until 3-D TV really does become a reality, create your own reality with the LSDTV!

Colon Cam

Take the guesswork out of your bowel movements with the Colon Cam from Sony! The Colon Cam is about the size of a pill and can be comfortably inserted into the anus for extended periods of time. On one end of the device is a state-of-the-art infrared camera, and on the other, an iPod-enabled satellite signal device. An image of your colon is projected to your iPod or computer, so you can see potential problems coming before they ruin your day. Have a business meeting in twenty minutes but see a mudslide coming? Take a handful of Rolaids before it’s too late! Got a blockage about to bloat you up before your best friend’s wedding? Eat a bran muffin, problem solved. Visiting you girlfriend’s parents, but got a gerbil clawing its way to freedom? Better that you know now than during a fancy dinner. The Colon Cam is your early warning device for a better life, for you and your colon.

In America, we like to pretend that unwanted children are not the huge problem that they are in overpopulated places like China and India. But that doesn’t change the fact that children can be an annoying and costly burden. Got one too many? Give them the gift of oblivion with the Unwanted Child Euthanizer from Bandai. Although it is illegal in the US, through a complex legal loophole you can order the Unwanted Child Euthanizer online, just like you do with your painkillers! Your child will (maybe) experience hours of misleading fun before the fatal mechanism clicks into place and blows that hungry little bloodsucking mouth into the void. Also great for annoying nephews, nieces and neighbors!

Transforming Bike

Don’t you wish that your bicycle could turn into a killer robot? Or maybe even a car, so you don’t have to look like an idiotic child putzing around on a bicycle well into your thirties? Well the Transforming Bike doesn’t do either of those things, but it does transform into a comfy chair! The Transforming Chair would be great for people that have to ride their bike to work, except for the fact that people who do that probably couldn’t afford one, or else they probably would have bought, like, a used car or something. But assuming that they could, how cool would it be to transform your bike into a chair while you wait for the bus, or sit at your desk looking at YouTube videos all day, or whatever it is that you animals do for a living? The Transforming Bike comes in both Autobot and Decepticon varieties, and can be easily stored in your attic/basement or wherever when the novelty most certainly wears off.

People are starving all over the world you know. Don’t be an ass and let perfectly good protein go to waste. Why spend hundreds of dollars a year on protein powder and health drinks when you can use the Semen Blender for pennies on the dollar? Simply add some ice, one of the six delicious flavor syrups that are included (banana, cucumber, pina colada, strawberry daiquiri, Thanksgiving dinner or chocolate pudding), 10cc of semen and blend. In just seconds you will have a creamy, frothy delight that is delicious and good for you! And don’t worry, nine out of ten homophobes agree, it’s totally not gay if it’s your own!

Truck Finger

Sometimes the effort of flipping off other motorists can be such a pain, it would be great if you could just push a button instead. Well now you can! The Truck Finger can be affixed to any red blooded American truck, right above your giant rubber bull testicles. An in-dash control system allows you to effortlessly tell other drivers how you feel with the press of a button. Give the guy who let you cut in a “Peace Sign”. Show that asshole that made you miss your exit “The Finger”. Make obscene gestures at the hot babe in the convertible without having to stop fondling yourself with your free hand! What’s more, the Truck Finger is fully customizable to be compatible with any regional hand signal dialect! Optional sound enhancement screams out “Git ‘er done!” every thirteen seconds for absolutely no goddamn reason.

Still stuck with the dog of yesterday? Drop that sucker off at the pound and get yourself a USB Dog, man’s new best friend. Why should you be content with a dog that can’t even retrieve your slippers, let alone transfer data from your office to your home computer, or store backups of your mp3s? The USB Dog can so all that and more. Why have a dog simply bring you the paper when you can have a dog that downloads and transfers files from every newspaper in the world right o your laptop or PDA? The USB Dog is truly the dog of tomorrow, he feeds on Wi-Fi signals, expels waste in the form of electrical discharge, and barks in a comical sounding Zarvox voice. Say goodbye to carpet stains and yappy, useless lap dogs forever with the USB Dog!

Xtreme Undergarments

Is your life too Xtreme to make time for bathroom breaks? Is your bear wrestling, shark punching and minefield motocross lifestyle too strenuous for ordinary adult diapers? You need Xtreme Undergarments, the only adult diapers that can withstand the load of a titan! Xtreme Undergarments keep your heiny dry even when you’re soaked head to toe in your own blood, or that of an unlucky velociraptor that had the misfortune of crossing your path. Xtreme Undergarments can take direct fire from most types of firearms, and even a direct hit from many class of improvised explosive devices. You would never piss your pants out of fear, but if you did, up to a gallon can be stored in a special codpiece reservoir that also makes you look like you have a huge dong. Bonus!

By Jeremy Azevedo

While I didn’t manage to make it to the Consumer Electronics Show this year, I did get to get to have a look at some of the amazing new devices that debuted there. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to read any of the descriptions that came along with them.

However, I felt that most of them were pretty self-explanatory, so following is my best guess at what some of these astounding new inventions actually do.

If you have two or more cats from different parts of the world, then you know how difficult it can for them to communicate in their various native tongues. Now, thanks to the Cat Translator, Little Paco can finally communicate to little Klaus just exactly what’s on his fuzzy little mind! The Cat Translator comes pre loaded with extensive vocabularies in English, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, Hindi, Hebrew, Mandarin, Japanese, LOL Cat and Meowlish. Miscommunication is the root cause of most feline disagreements. Bring peace to the Middle East of your home or apartment with the Cat Translator!

Everybody knows how difficult it can be to really get a deep down cleaning in the colon. Sure, you could use a loofah or a sponge, but then you’ll never be able to use it anywhere else ever again. Think of the cost! Thank goodness that the good people at Sideways Smilebrite have introduced the USB Powered Anal Brush, a vibrating, multi speed scrubber that makes cleaning your stinkhole easy! The soft-bristled rotating heads remove debris, clean and disinfect, all the while releasing one of three pleasing scents from replaceable smell cartridges. Choose between Cherry, Vanilla or New Car Smell! Your ass crack will be clean enough to eat off of in no time. Great for home or the office!

Insurance these days can be prohibitively expensive. And even if you do manage to get to a doctor, you’d be surprised how inept some of them can be, or how little your insurance actually covers. So what is one to do about those pesky brain tumors caused by years of strapping a cell phone directly to one’s face for hours at a time, day after day? King’s Idea has the solution. Introducing the Home Brain Surgery Kit! The HBSK is a unique device that incorporates a periscope-like camera with a high-powered surgical laser. Simply use the camera to locate the cancerous mass, aim, and fire away! Be careful not to overdo it, it you may run the risk of accidentally lobotomizing yourself!

Having shiny, expensive rims is cool and everything, but what about those of us that live in wet, rainy, hurricane-prone environments? LED flashing, sparkling metal rims can short circuit and rust, making your car look sad and broke instead of mad stoked. Why not get yourself some Inflatable Rims? Inflatable Rims look tight, are functional, and turn heads with their rugged sex appeal when fully engorged. Don’t get stuck with some lame, limp rims when you can get pumped up with Inflatable Rims and hydroplane through a sea of tasty babes, who, as we all know are totally into, like, cars and rims and stuff. It’s like, on the cover of Cosmo every month, right?

Tired of sexually transmitted microorganisms ruining your day by making you itch like a flea-ridden dog in the middle of summer? Use the Crab Vacuum to suck those little buggers into oblivion! The Crab Vacuum is just as effective as topical creams and antibiotics, but 100 times more fun. Even better, powerful blades puree the crabs into a fine paste, which can then be spread onto crackers or baked into mini crab cakes for additional enjoyment!

When the power goes out, you can light candles like some kind of idiot, or use an expensive and noise polluting generator, like a moron. Or you can do what granddad did, and exploit animals to do your bidding! The Hamster Operated Battery is powered by a hamster, which once locked into the wheel, can never stop running. Your fuzzy little buddy can generate enough electricity to power a 900 square foot apartment for up to twelve hours, which is about how long it will take for him to drop dead from exhaustion. But don’t worry! Replacement hamsters are readily available for very little cost at our local pet shop. Just don’t house to many of them together, or they will go all Highlander on you, devouring one another until only one survives.

What with the writer’s strike going on and everything, it’s not like there’s anything to watch anyway. Why not sell your $10,000, 75 inch plasma screen TV, spend $9,750 of it on hookers and blow, and use the remaining $250 to build a smart, aesthetically pleasing modular cherry wood TV and entertainment center from Ikea? The Wooden TV looks great, gives your home a kitchy, old-timey feel, and has a large enough display to nail a picture of your favorite show to stare at for a half an hour. No commercials! If you’re really lazy, get a crossbow so that you can “change the channel” by nailing up new pictures from across the room!

Being crippled has never been so much fun! The Hover Chair from Xaviar Laboratories hovers 3 feet off of the ground and moves at a top speed of fifteen miles an hour! Stock accessories include a seat belt, seat warmer, built in phone and GPS device, and a bitchen stereo with subwoofers that can peel paint off the wall at twenty paces! You may even want to pretend to be crippled just so you could rock a Hover Chair, and always skip to the end of the line at amusement parks! But that would make you an asshole and a fraud. No seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking about it.

Check back later in the week for more cool gadgets!