Mongo Nation

It’s been real… It’s been fun… And dare I say it may have even been REAL FUN?!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Well, CraveOnline fans, I’m afraid I have bad news for you: Your favorite (?) writer and video producer, Jeremy Azevedo, is leaving, and he’s taking all of his multiple personalities with him.

That means no more Moses Amadeus, Pete Pelmo, Karate Chimp, The Most Pissed-Off Dude in the World, Creepy Office Guy, Ted Hucklebuck, Chest Rockwell, Stretchnuts, Dr. Science, Junkyard or BuckCherryFan420, either. I know; it’s like a national tragedy.

I’ll give you a moment to grieve.

All finished?

Good. Now dry your eyes and let’s take a walk down memory lane shall we? I’ve compiled a list of some of my best articles, videos and top 10 lists from my time here, so the 12 of you that actually read my stuff on a regular basis can maybe squeeze one last chuckle out of them before they’re lost to the void. Yeah!

(And P.S.: If any of you are at all interested in following me where I go next, feel free to email me at jeremyazevedo@yahoo.com)

Now, without further ado, here are the top 10 greatest hits from the 2007-2010 era of CraveOnline, henceforth to be referred to as the “Golden Era”:

How Do I Know If I Am A Hipster? - (Maybe the best thing I’ve ever written)

Jerkoffs You Are Sure to Meet in Art School - (And I should know, I was one. An art student, I mean)

An AIM Convo Between The Ultimate Warrior and Lindsay Lohan - (I’m still not convinced that this didn’t actually happen)

Really Bad Gifts to Give Your Co-Workers - (My favorite holiday-themed post!)

Celebrity PostSecrets Intercepted! - (One of my better Photoshoops)

Harry Potter to Appear in Every Movie, Retroactively - (More Photoshoop fun!)

Empire of the Sun: Walking on a Dream - (Probably my best album review, ever)

The Secret Millionaire’s Playbook Intercepted! - (I think I wrote this one in response to the bailout)

Millions of American Males Lining Up To Be Rejected By Megan Fox - (And yet, she keeps getting back with that dude…)

How to RAWK - (I’d like to point out that this pre-dates “Jersey Shore” by a year)

• Next page: Top 10 Videos of The Golden Era
• Next, next page: Top 10 Top 10 Lists of The Golden Era

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We count down the grossest games in human history

Gore in video games is nothing new: It’s been around ever since the first splattered frog in Frogger, the first bloody fist in Final Fight, the first exploding inmate/gameshow contestant in Smash TV... But no matter how many years go by, developers keep finding new ways to make gorey games more visceral, more bloody, and more controversial than ever before. Dead Space Extraction, for instance, sets a new standard for gore on the Nintendo Wii, following in the footsteps of the original Dead Space (last year’s critically acclaimed space thriller/shooter/pants crapping simulator).

Yep, pretty gross.

Looking back on all our years of gaming, there are so many titles that made huge contributions to the splatterhouse genre of gaming. Here are some of our favorites:

Gears of War

That alien is like an egg filled with rasberry jelly.

There are lots of shooters out there where you play as a grizzled space marine tasked with fighting off hordes of hostile aliens/demons/whatever. But there’s only one in which you do so with an assault rifle with a chainsaw attached to it, that you use to slowly and gruesomely saw your way through the abdomens of your opponents. Additionally, you can “curb stomp” enemies while they’re down, which amounts to crushing their heads under heavy, bloodstained boots. In the sequel, you get swallowed by this giant nasty worm thing, which you must kill from the inside by destroying its many hearts. This results in you damn near drowning in blood. Literally. Awesome!

Honorable Mention: God of War

No More Heroes

Right down the middle. Great job!

No More Heroes is more or less a video game re-enactment of Alejandro Jodorowsky’s batshit crazy acid-spaghetti western “El Topo”. It’s also exceedingly gory. Every enemy that you encounter is destined to end up as a blood fountain, shooting geysers of red gravy up into the air is if their hearts had been replaced with industrial-grade air compressors. All you really do in this game is hunt down higher ranked assassins, cut your way through their henchmen with your “beam katana”, face off against and finally execute them. However, the game is actually quite funny and stylish despite the grim subject matter.

Honorable mention: Madworld

Mortal Kombat

I always thought the dangling spine was a nice touch.

Mortal Kombat was the game that was pretty much responsible for three things:

1. Mainstream games would now follow MK’s lead and start including fountains of blood, gruesome executions and de-bonings like they were going out of style.
2. A rating scale would now be necessary for home console games going forward.
3. Nintendo would embarrass themselves with their shitty, non-violent port and finally have to sack up and start making games for adults for once.

Not too bad for a game in which the same two or three palette swapped ninjas do the same goddamn moves over and over to each other before one of them gets bored and rips the other one’s head off!

Honorable mention: Time Killers
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An overview of the best-looking sequels to debut at this year’s show!

By Jeremy Azevedo

New games are all fine and good, but I’d be lying to myself (and to all of you) if I tried to front like I don’t get caught up in the hype of a good sequel like everyone else.

This year’s E3 was a smorgasborg of tasty sequels, with everyone from Commander Shepard and Big Daddy to Harry Mason and Samus Aran showing their faces at the event. Here’s a rundown of some of the most exciting sequels announced at E3:

Halo 3: ODST – Bungie – Xbox 360

You can’t really go wrong with Halo. This is the franchise that catapulted Microsoft into the gaming big leagues, after all. In Halo 3: ODST, Bungie has kept most everything that makes the series great, dispensed with the linearity and added in a dash of mystery to flesh out the single player campaign a little more. Not to say that they slacked off on the multiplayer: That particular mode is so robust that it has to be packaged on it’s own separate disc, in addition to the Gears of War-esque “Firefight” mode that’s included on the main disc. My only hope is that they finally introduce some new enemy types this time, getting kind of tired of shooting the same bugs and brutes for the last seven or eight years.

God of War 3 – SCEA – PS3

God of War 3 is the final bloody chapter of the popular god-slaying series that pushed the boundaries of what was possible on the PS2. It feels a little late in the game for Sony to finally be trotting this out on the PS3, but at least they took their time and did it right. GOW3 keeps the deep and challenging gameplay intact, while adding tons of new abilities to Kratos’ repertoire. The game’s plot promises to bring the fight to Mount Olympus, where Kratos and the Titans will battle it out with the Greek Gods for all the marbles. If this game is half as good as it looks like it’s gonna be, Sony might even sell a few PS3’s for once.

Lost Planet 2 – Capcom - Xbox 360, PS3

Lost Planet 2 trades the snow theme for more of a tropical jungle theme, but keeps all the giant bugs and boss fights intact. Also new to the series is squad combat and giant, four man Vital Suits for taking on the really big monsters. Capcom extended the leveling system that rewards points to the player for completing objectives to the single player and multiplayer campaigns. These points can then be traded for, I’m guessing, new player skins, weapons and possibly multiplayer maps. If you like the first Lost Planet, basically just think “bigger” and “more colorful” and you’ve got the idea. And by colorful, I mean you shoot your way out of a bug’s ass from the inside. Yep. Exactly that colorful. Read the rest of this entry →

“Very Niiiiiice! I Liiiiiike!”: Officially Outlawed…

By Dr. Science

It has come to our attention that many of you out there are failing to grasp the concepts of proper movie quoting etiquette. You may even by unaware that such a thing exists!

It is for this reason that we have compiled a list of guidelines that will help you avoid being “that guy” at your office, or looking foolish at social gatherings. We feel confident that if you adhere to the following ten rules, you will never sound like a mongo frat boy in public ever again!

The 10 Commandments of Movie Quoting

Oh sweet lord, no.

1. You may not ever, under any circumstances, quote any line uttered by Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black or Ben Stiller, as they are currently the most over-quoted comedic actors of the 21st century.

2. The following films have blacklisted by the International Quoting Etiquette Association, pending further review:

Borat, Old School, Napoleon Dynamite, Swingers, Austin Powers, Animal House, Office Space, Anchorman, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Forrest Gump, The Big Lebowski, American Pie, 300, Jerry McGuire, Army of Darkness, Terminator 2, any James Bond movie and Scarface.

Quoting from any of these films will result in eye-rolling, loss of status and possibly even social excommunication.

Here is an example of doin’ it RITE.

3. Quoters are strongly encouraged not to use any line or catchphrase that was used in the trailer and/or TV spot. This will require you to dig deeper and show a deeper comprehension of the subject matter.

4. You may not use a line from a movie unless you are 100% certain that your regurgitation is correct. Additionally, one may never quote a line from a movie that is a line from another movie.
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The best, most totally badical titles of the year!

By Jeremy Azevedo

This year was one of the best, if not the best year in gaming history. I probably spent more hours playing games this year than I did eating, sleeping and sh**ting combined.

Certainly a lot more than I spent doing anything constructive, like cleaning my house or feeding my pets or interacting with other living human beings. But it was worth the time expenditure to save (or destroy) Albion, the DC Ruins, Liberty City, etc. all summer and winter long. (The 1st and 3rd quarters are always a bit dry, even during the best year EVAR.) Otherwise how would I be qualified to tell you what the ten most radcool games of the year were, and why?

1. Fallout 3 (Multi-Platform)

This game has caused significant damage to my relationship and personal life, my sleep cycle and my Xbox, which had to be shipped to Microsoft this morning for repair due to overheating. It’s like a substance abuse problem cleverly disguised as a digital media disc. Even so, I can’t wait to start over from scratch and play through the game all over again with a different moral affinity and skill set. Everything about this game is near legendary in it’s execution, and the story kept me playing late into the night for like two months straight. Even so, I only managed to discover maybe 75% of the available people, places and things in the Wasteland. If you don’t have this game yet, get it. If you already have this game, play it again.

2. Rock Band 2/Guitar Hero World Tour (Multi-Platform)

I don’t care which one of these two games you like better, I’m tired of hearing you f**king nerds argue about it on the message boards to be perfectly honest. They are both pretty much the same game by the same programmers with only slightly different set lists. I happen to like them both quite a bit, as I have always wanted to play in a band but am too lazy and/or untalented to learn an instrument. Now I can have parties where I don’t even need to entertain people because all they want to do is fight over what song to play next and who is going to sing or play drums or whatever. Win!

3. Fable 2 (Xbox 360)

For all its promises, Fable 2 delivered a world only about half as alive as that of GTAIV and a protagonist only about half as customizable as that of Fallout 3. What it did have, however, was combat that was far superior to both of those games combined. It also had one of the most beautiful worlds in all of gaming in which to engage in said combat. Fable 2 is deeper and more fun than nearly any action RPG I have ever played, and not just because it lets me have a totally rad dog and get away with murder by paying a fine or agreeing to murder someone else on the behalf of the townspeople. (Although that certainly had quite a bit to do with my overall enjoyment of the game.) Bonus points are awarded for every time I bludgeoned some wench in the gulliver just for sassing me, bought her house or place of business for a bargain price, jacked up the rent on it and generally raped the economy for my own selfish gain. It’s like a Republican Party campaign contributor simulator! F yeah!

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