Not one of which includes the usage of GHB!

By Tom Oatmeal

Tom Oatmeal is our resident giver of what some would call “bad advice”. And what still others might refer to as a “statement of criminal intent”. Pretty much everyone agrees, however, that the only universal designation for Tom’s strange ramblings is “hilarious”. -(Ed.)

1. Know about Wine

If you plan on being romantic, then you better start drinking up on the wine. Wine is seriously like the most romantic thing in the world! That’s why wine is the blood of Jesus. Imagine how romantic he was! Having wine-blood made Jesus so romantic that he wasn’t even created by traditional intercourse. One day he was just decided to show up. I’ll bet that conversation went like this:

Jesus (to Mary): I’m in your vagina.

Mary (confused): But your father and I didn’t even…

Jesus (interrupting): Deal with it.

Women love men that can drink a bunch of wine because it shows they are sensitive. My Uncle Nate is a master at this. Sometimes, Uncle Nate won’t even go to work because he’s busy drinking wine and calling people until they hang up because he’s crying too hard (also romantic). I think Uncle Nate would probably be up to his knees in women, but he had to go away for a while.

2. Appreciate the finer things in life.

Women are turned on by guys who spend tons of money. You have to be careful though. You can’t just spend a bunch of money on poor people crap like Corn Nuts and expect women to melt. You need to be cool about it and focus on buying ritzy, James Bond-type stuff like grillz or retractable awnings. Also, don’t make a big deal about those things or you’ll ruin it. Here’s how to reveal your fine tastes:

You (to attractive woman): Isn’t it nice sitting in the shade?

Attractive Woman: Yes, but how can that be? I thought it was sunny out today.

You (Stirring expensive ice tea like it’s not a big deal): Why don’t you look up?

Attractive Woman (Looking up): Is that one of those retractable awnings?

You (Cool-like): Ha, oh maybe. I don’t even remember purchasing that.

Attractive Woman: Who spray-painted “Leave” on it? Read the rest of this entry →

By Tom Oatmeal

Who left the warehouse unlocked!?

Hi there. If you’re like me, it’s hard to tell when things are really happening or if you are just watching a movie. Because of that, I’ve answered some common questions that will help you keep the world of movies separate from your reality, which I’m told is healthy. Pay attention and your life can be fun and enjoyable, just like in that movie where I had sex with my neighbor’s wife while he was at the gym.

Question #1: Is it ever okay to let a monkey play an organized sport like baseball?

Absolutely not. Though many great films have been made where a monkey enhances a team’s performance and improves locker room morale, such a coaching strategy is best left to fiction. Not only does it undermine the long hours and hard work that goes into scouting human players, putting a monkey into a baseball game can be unpredictable and dangerous. Without intensive training, most primates are completely unable to understand the sport they are being asked to play and thus, cannot be expected to contribute in a safe and constructive way. For example, if a monkey is assigned to play third base, instead of fielding a ground ball and throwing it to first, he will probably opt to throw his shit into the crowd and then try to bite off the shortstop’s testicles because he feels threatened by his gender. Having to sedate or kill an out of control monkey in front of thousands of baseball fans is bad for business even on giveaway nights.

Question #2: I’m a pretty well respected Reverend and I’m thinking about banning dancing in my town. Should I?

First off, I’d check and see if your status as Reverend even makes you eligible to manipulate laws. I don’t think it does. However, in the event that you can, I would still advise against it. The act of trying to regulate a ban on a loosely defined action like “dancing” would be enough to make your head spin. Even if you got it out of local gymnasiums, dancers can be incredibly resourceful and would likely make use of nearly any other indoor facility. That crazy new kid in town with all the dance moves could easily drive out to some empty warehouse and dance all over the place. Even if you ask the warehouse foreman to make sure the place is dance-proof when he leaves for the night, what exactly does that mean? Sure, covering the hard floors with a layer of carpeting will guard against tap and break dancing, what about interpretive dance? That style is hard enough to define, let alone ban. Is running really fast and then jumping or swinging from a loose chain from one warehouse platform to another considered “dancing?” Personally I don’t think it is, but do you think that matters to the rebellious youth screwing around in your warehouse? I understand that you believe it’s a slippery slope. One minute kids are dancing and the next minute they’re thinking, “Hey! Let’s try rape now.” Trust me though: A ban on dancing is not an issue that you want to touch. Also, don’t be mad at me, but I think that new kid is having sex with your daughter. Read the rest of this entry →

By Tom Oatmeal

If you’re serious about succeeding as a gang leader, you will need to know how to hire henchmen. Try to take note of how other gang leaders hire them. One guy who was great at choosing henchmen was The Joker. His main henchman in Batman was a man known only as “Bob.”

Bob was in many ways the perfect henchman. He was cooperative, knowledgeable, and he knew when to keep his fucking mouth shut. In fact, my advice to anyone seeking a henchman would be to literally hire Bob, but he was shot to death by The Joker during a childish, impulsive act of frustration. How important are henchman? Let’s put it this way: Less than a week after Bob’s death, The Joker was lying dead on the streets of Gotham City.

Are you sure that ALL of your minions enjoy this tasty treat?

Question #1: I don’t think my henchmen are as passionate about the mission as I am. Does this matter?

It would be ideal for your henchmen to be as enthusiastic as you are about the mission. However, most of them are being paid a fixed rate so they are indifferent as to whether or not you succeed. Knowing that, it is in your best interest to keep the morale high for everyone. If your henchmen like you, they will try harder. Have some sort of snack day where you bring treats for everyone. This can be great for morale if you choose your snacks wisely. By that, I mean you should always choose snacks that everyone can enjoy.

I know a gang leader that had hired on a group of demons from hell to help him stalk and kill the last known relative of Christ. Before the day of the big abduction, the leader brought cupcakes for all of the demons. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that one of the demons was allergic to dairy. Watching everyone else enjoy their cupcakes upset the demon so much that he acted like a whiny prick the entire next day, which got on everyone’s nerves. I can’t remember if the mission was a success or not.

Question #2: I’ve noticed that my henchmen aren’t very proactive in group scenarios. Are they all like this?

Because henchmen are freelance warriors by nature, they often lack an understanding of the benefits of teamwork. Budget restrictions require most gangs to view henchmen as last-minute hires. They are usually brought in the day of the kidnapping and, if the martial arts expert doesn’t kill them, they submit an invoice and go home the following morning. The short amount of time they are actually part of the gang makes it extremely difficult for henchmen to band together and form any type of game plan.

The henchmen in The American Ninja seem to kind of “wing it” during their attempts to kill Michael Dudikoff. As you watch The American Ninja it is obvious that many of the ninjas are working together for the first time. They fail to even hurt Dudikoff despite the fact that they outnumber him in nearly every battle. The ninjas appear self-conscious and they are hesitant to attack, even when The American Ninja is busy beating a different henchman to death. To avoid this, when you hire henchmen, make sure you give each of them a list of contact information for the other henchmen that will be helping out. Encourage them to get together for a social activity like bowling. This will give them an opportunity to meet each other and possibly brainstorm ways to kill people as a team. Read the rest of this entry →

Please join me in welcoming a talented new contributor, Tom Oatmeal!

By Tom Oatmeal

All that I really know about Mr. Oatmeal is that an idiot horse bit his hand off when he was trying to feed him a pinecone, that he enjoys sugar, and is excited by the pronunciation of the word “excite”.

Also, he is quite possibly the only person on the face of the earth that has ever read the novelization of the film “Kickboxer”, starring Jean Claude Van Damme. -Jeremy

I Deserve A Better Life, By Tom Oatmeal

Don’t Patronize Me! See?!

The other day I was dominating in tetherball against this retarded kid with no fingers and I thought to myself, “You know what? I’m a pretty nice guy to be out here in the heat like this.” Then I thought, “Well shit. I do a lot of nice things basically all the time!” It’s true really. I’m like a ray of goddamned sunshine and I’m not even talking about just to mongoloids or whatever. I’m pretty nice to real people too! Then I thought, “How is my life not better? Should I move the tetherball pole to the front yard so more attractive women can see the good deed I’m doing?” Then I dared the retarded kid to chew up the tether ball because I needed some “me time” to think on it.

To say that I connect on all cylinders in every aspect of my life is a gross understatement. I’m a hard worker, a solid citizen, and a social butterfly. But more like a wingless butterfly who has a real, human head instead of that little insect pea-head and who also has shiny, slicked-back hair, wears expensive velvet suits, and does a lot of cocaine.

I’m an alpha male thanks in large to my steadfast belief that men have an obligation to lead. I speak incredibly loud and have little tolerance for laziness. If I’m sitting in a restaurant and my order isn’t taken within the first ten minutes, I’ll march right up to the manager and yell at him. If he says something about how at this restaurant you’re supposed to order at the front, I’ll laugh in his stupid teenaged face and tell him what an idiotic idea that is. Then I will say that I have a lot of friends and I will tell all of them not to eat at this “McDougal’s” place and then good luck staying in business after a few months of that. “It’s McDonald’s Sir,” he might say to which I’ll reply that I know how to fucking read. As I drive away from the restaurant, I’ll try to flex my muscles by squeezing the steering wheel in hopes that the other passengers will notice and momentarily cease losing respect for me.

Stupid Mom & Pop Operations

A wise man once said that parties are not parties until I show up. How do I know? Hint: I am that wise man. Though I’m known to cut loose, I seldom relax entirely. My hectic schedule won’t allow for it. When I party, I party. Hard. I simply don’t have time to wait around for formalities like “finding out whose birthday it is” or “realizing that I’m not at the right house.” If I see cake, I’m going to dig in and I’m going to eat as much of it as I can until some guy I’ve never met before, but everyone is calling “Dad,” beats me into unconsciousness. Hours later, I’ll marvel at my perseverance as I demonstrate to a new group of friends this trick where I reach one of my handcuffed palms into my pocket and pull out some cake that I put there when “Dad” thought I was knocked out. Read the rest of this entry →

Tom Oatmeal’s uplifting, court appointed message to teens

By Tom Oatmeal

I’ll bet a lot of you kids are looking at me and thinking, “Who is this guy?” or “Why is he so great?” and “How is he not sick from eating all of that garbage earlier? He really ate a lot of it. I mean, towards the end it didn’t even look like he was enjoying himself. It’s like he was eating because he was mad at something.”

Well, let me tell you this: You can forget what you think is “cool” because I’ve got some news for you, YOU’RE WRONG!

What I’m doing here is simple. I’m here to tell you kids about some dangers of growing up and then I’m going to have this gentleman here (point to principal) sign this little slip of paper that will help me get closer to operating an automobile again and then I’m going to leave. So you better listen up because I’m not coming back for at least a couple of months!

Topic #1: Sex

When you lose your virginity, it’s gone. (Say that in a scary tone that hammers home the finality. Let them be scared for a moment and then continue) although if there IS a way to get your virginity back, it probably starts with a t-shirt like that! (Point to kid with Star Trek t-shirt. Let auditorium laugh, faculty included) Well now I’m sure everyone is thinking, “Hey! Is this guy going to tell me how to get laid?” The answer to that is yes and no. (Avoid eye contact with principal here.) To be honest, there are just no guarantees for sex. One minute you’re talking to a gorgeous woman about how your Uncle has the best racist jokes or how you chew gum at work even though you probably shouldn’t because you use the phone so much and the next minute, the girl is leaving the party with some asshole who investigates art thefts from museums throughout Europe.

I know you guys probably think sex is the greatest thing in the world, but as a guy whose had it, basically it goes like this: You go out and drink someplace sleazy and you think you’re talking to that (point to attractive girl) when really she’s probably closer to THAT (point to obese, homely girl or, for comedy, the shop teacher. *Remember to shake his hook hand after the presentation to show there’s no hard feelings). So then you go back to your place, have incredibly awkward sex and pass out. Ten minutes later, you wake up to your stepdad Glenn punching you and telling you to get the f*** out of his house until you finish rehab. Then you tell him that just because he’s nailing your mom, he’s not your real dad and he says, “Jesus Christ! You’re thirty-two years old!” Then the girl in the bed says, “Thirty-two! You said you were twenty-three!” And then it’s like, “F*****g thanks a lot Glenn! I hate you!”

Read the rest of this entry →