Movies that continue to spawn sequels that no one sees
By Jeremy Azevedo
You know how every couple of months, you see an ad in the paper (or anywhere else that’s cheap to advertise) for a new National Lampoon movie? And you think to yourself: “Who watches these?”
Not even the horniest of frat bros would waste ninety minutes of their time watching “Bag Boy” just to hear the same dick and fart jokes they’ve heard 1000 times that day already and maybe see some nobody’s boobs once or twice. (That’s what the internet is for, amirite?)
A parade of crap. Starring Bon Jovi and Paris Hilton.(Sigh…)
And yet, National Lampoon continues to make more and more shitty movies, slipping into near Troma-like depths of cheap cash-ins and half-baked plots. In case you need reminding, this is a company that at one time produced bonafide classics like “Animal House” and “Vacation”! But as painful as it is to see a franchise killed, buried, dug up, raped, reburied and pissed on like this, National Lampoon is not the only victim of Dead Horse Kickings Disease (DHKD) out there. Many once popular films have birthed series that continue farting into the wind to this very day, sometimes unbeknownst to anyone!
Let’s review:
Underworld
Vampires with guns. Okay, sure, why not?
Vampires in skin-tight Lycra body suits pretend to karate-fight CGI werewolves in slow motion. Do we really need three movies to convey this? Someone seems to thinks so… The third film in the series, “Rise of the Lycans” comes out next year. Just in time for you to apathetically get it confused with Blade 4, which you will also not go see in 2009!
Cruel Intentions
CI2: It may not have a coherent plot, but it does have sorta fugly naked twins!
The first Cruel Intentions, while based on a popular 18h century French play, was a banal sex movie without any actual sex in it. However, a cast that included Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Michelle Geller and Ryan Phillippe insured that it would be a hit. What most people don’t know about Cruel Intentions, however, is that it actually has two sequels! The first sequel was actually the pilot for a planned TV series, written and directed by the same guy as the first film, which was subsequently dropped from the Fox programming schedule and re-purposed as a movie. A third movie soon followed for absolutely no discernable reason, and of course no one saw it. Read the rest of this entry →
My girlfriend says that Megan Fox is the only other woman besides Rose McGowan that she’d “scissor”. As soon as I look up what that means, I’ll tell you if that’s something cool or not…
Until then, please enjoy these pics of Megan Fox in a wet dress from the new movie “How To Lose Friend And Alienate People”!
More reasons why you sorta missed out by not watching!
#10 Erin Densham
Austrialia
Triathalon
This chick can outrun you, outswim you, out-cycle you (I know, who cares right?) and probably outdrink you too, considering that she’s Australian and all!
Did she win?
Nope!
#9 Alona Bondarenko
Ukraine
Tennis
Comes from a family of tennis stars, has two hot sisters that she usually plays doubles with. (Just not with you.)
Now I’m not usually one to advocate cock-rock bands like Buckcherry, (even if they did once do a totally sweet cover of “Anything, Anything” by Dramarama) but one thing that I am an advocate of is titties in videos. After all, music videos have always banked on sexy babes to sell the band, that’s nothing new. And now that MTV doesn’t show videos any more, there’s nothing stopping sleazy rock bands from telling the girls to just go ahead and take off their goddamn tops already, amirite? It’s only going to be seen on the Internet anyway, so why not? Check out the X-rated video for Buckcherry’s “Too Drunk to Fuck” right here, which I can assure you is not a cover or of the old Dead Kennedy’s song. But be warned that, like the Hollywood Undead video posted last week, it is totally NSFW!
They could vault my pole anytime! # 10 Amy Acuff
High Jump
This beanpole’s interests include jumping over stuff, being hella tall and posing nude with alarming frequency!
#9 Jennie Finch
Softball
Unfortunately married to some asshole named “Daigle” or something, but is embarrassed to take his name. I don’t blame her. Read the rest of this entry →
If you’ve ever been on MySpace, you’ve probably at some point heard mention of the “Hollywood Undead”, a band that has over 41 million song plays on the site and sells shit-tons of merch despite the fact that their debut album doesn’t come out until September ‘08 and they just played their first ever live show less than a month ago. In their new video for the song “Undead”, prolific music video director Jonas Akerlund has been employed to produce the most depraved music video any of us may have ever seen, a brilliant marketing ploy that is sure to generate an obscene amount of parental outrage/media attention/astronomical record sales. Check the video out here, but be warned, it’s pretty graphic/awesome!
