My “Tell It Like It Is” Speech To Teenagers 0
Tom Oatmeal’s uplifting, court appointed message to teens
 By Tom Oatmeal |
I’ll bet a lot of you kids are looking at me and thinking, “Who is this guy?” or “Why is he so great?” and “How is he not sick from eating all of that garbage earlier? He really ate a lot of it. I mean, towards the end it didn’t even look like he was enjoying himself. It’s like he was eating because he was mad at something.” |
Well, let me tell you this: You can forget what you think is “cool” because I’ve got some news for you, YOU’RE WRONG!
What I’m doing here is simple. I’m here to tell you kids about some dangers of growing up and then I’m going to have this gentleman here (point to principal) sign this little slip of paper that will help me get closer to operating an automobile again and then I’m going to leave. So you better listen up because I’m not coming back for at least a couple of months!
Topic #1: Sex
When you lose your virginity, it’s gone. (Say that in a scary tone that hammers home the finality. Let them be scared for a moment and then continue) although if there IS a way to get your virginity back, it probably starts with a t-shirt like that! (Point to kid with Star Trek t-shirt. Let auditorium laugh, faculty included) Well now I’m sure everyone is thinking, “Hey! Is this guy going to tell me how to get laid?” The answer to that is yes and no. (Avoid eye contact with principal here.) To be honest, there are just no guarantees for sex. One minute you’re talking to a gorgeous woman about how your Uncle has the best racist jokes or how you chew gum at work even though you probably shouldn’t because you use the phone so much and the next minute, the girl is leaving the party with some asshole who investigates art thefts from museums throughout Europe.
I know you guys probably think sex is the greatest thing in the world, but as a guy whose had it, basically it goes like this: You go out and drink someplace sleazy and you think you’re talking to that (point to attractive girl) when really she’s probably closer to THAT (point to obese, homely girl or, for comedy, the shop teacher. *Remember to shake his hook hand after the presentation to show there’s no hard feelings). So then you go back to your place, have incredibly awkward sex and pass out. Ten minutes later, you wake up to your stepdad Glenn punching you and telling you to get the f*** out of his house until you finish rehab. Then you tell him that just because he’s nailing your mom, he’s not your real dad and he says, “Jesus Christ! You’re thirty-two years old!” Then the girl in the bed says, “Thirty-two! You said you were twenty-three!” And then it’s like, “F*****g thanks a lot Glenn! I hate you!”
