Mongo Nation

The best sci-fi/slasher/buddy comedy/exploitation/road picture of the decade thus far?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Anyone who knows me could tell you that I spend a great deal of my time watching relatively obscure movies. In my pursuit of those rare gems that get skipped over on account of everybody’s too busy watching “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”. I most often find myself eyeball deep in some real shit.

The problem with most B movies is that they often realize halfway through production that the original idea wasn’t that great to begin with and just give up, resulting in a half-hearted mess. Either that or they try to hard to be an A picture because they don’t know their place. Oftentimes, the best that you can hope for is that the film would at least be unintentionally funny. But every once in awhile you see a B movie that is executed flawlessly by people that:

1. Understand the wants and expectations of the B movie audience and…
2. Actually have the chops to pull it off, without ever looking like they’re trying too hard, to appear is if the humor (intentional or not) came to them effortlessly, and to capture the spirit of fun that makes people want to make and watch these kinds of movies in the first place.

“Dahmer Vs. Gacy” is one such movie.

Directed by cult favorite Ford Austin, “Dahmer Vs Gacy” is, on the surface, a horror/comic take off on “Freddy Vs Jason”. You’ve got your two serial killing icons, you make up some excuse for them to exist in the same time and place, and you see what might happen when the two finally meet. As the kind of kid who collected serial killer trading cards to piss my parents off, I was quite pleased to see two of my “favorites” as the titular characters. And as a Guns N’ Roses fan, I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised to see original G N’ R drummer Steven Adler make a cameo as well!

Born in a lab as part of a secret military program to breed soulless super-killers, a freak accident allows the two maniacs to escape and go on a massive killing spree across America, ultimately culminating in the showdown that we are promised by the film’s title. Along the way, they garner the attention of a bloodthirsty media, in a nod to more “serious” (though some would argue, equally campy) serial killer fare like “Natural Born Killers”. They also attract the ire of Ringo, a holy soldier to whom God (voiced by Harland Williams) speaks to through the power of crazy, as well as a shit ton of ninjas.

Yes, ninjas. Read the rest of this entry →

A welcome homecoming for the legendary killer

By Jeremy Azevedo

I know what you’re probably thinking… You’re probably thinking “I wonder if I can fit my entire fist into my mouth without getting it stuck? Also, I’ll bet Friday the 13th is gonna be lame… what is it, the 11th sequel or something?”

In answer to your first question, probably not, although I’d like to see you try it. As for the second part of what I imagine is your inner dialogue, you couldn’t possibly be more wrong.

The problem with people’s perception of horror sequels and remakes is that they look at it like any other movie, which it is not. A slasher flick is like a car chase film or a karate movie: It’s supposed to get you pumped up, not to inspire you to change your life or to send you spiraling into an existential crises. It’s like any action movie. The plot barely matters. All that matters is that you have fun watching. It doesn’t matter how many times you see a car jump over a rooftop, or a dude get karate kicked through a 10-story window, or a cheerleader get burned alive and then stabbed by a pitchfork and hit by a truck. It’s awesome every time.

Surprise! Buttsecks.

I, for one, had fun watching Friday the 13th.

I’ll give you that the opener of the film makes absolutely no sense. In trying to tie the mythology of the first three or four films into one for this remake, they sort of glossed over any semblance of coherency. Doesn’t matter. The new Jason has a physicality that is both brutish and lightning fast, like one of those zombies from 28 Days Later combined with a professional wrestler. It isn’t five minutes into the film before he’s beheading topless slut sand college boys a dime to a dozen, much to my bloodthirsty delight.

Friday the 13th is well-casted with sexy young people that look great even with an axe in their head or their ass in a wood chipper or whatever. Additionally, the writing is surprisingly good, with the comic relief characters actually, you know, providing comic relief. The requisite dickhead character is a real jerkoff, and the good girl is as sweet as a Care Bear’s smile. The bad girls are even sweeter, as quick to take off their tops as they are to get their ass chopped up with a machete. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt so engaged by the cast of a horror movie. Good times.

Hotties/Victims

When you watch a movie like Friday the 13th, you basically just have to ask yourself, “Did I see some class-A boobies? Did some horny teens take bong rips and then get a screwdriver in the neck or something along those lines shorty thereafter? Was I surprised at one point or another? Did I jump out of my seat once or twice? Did my date punch me in the arm for scaring her? If you answered yes to all of these questions, then congratulations, you had a good time despite yourself.

Rating: 8 out of 10
+2 if you’ve ever had a Friday the 13th film festival and watched every movie back to back. On purpose.
-1 if you’re the kind of person that “shushes” people in crowded theaters, even though everyone else is having a great time except you.

1. An unidentified monster approaches! Do you:

A. Try to run away, but trip and fall at least a half-dozen times?

B. Aim for the head?

C. Break out the holy water and or/call an exorcist?

D. Slip and fall into a trap door, which leads to a small chamber filled with buzz saws and electric drills that are slowly closing in on you.

2. You come from work one day to find blood dripping down the walls of your house. The source of this phenomenon appears to be:

A. A decapitated babysitter.

B. A half eaten corpse.

C. The house itself!

D. The victim of a rusty, man-sized mousetrap made of razor blades and barbed wire.

3. While making out with your fellow camp counselor, you are startled by a strange noise from outside your cabin… You cautiously peek around the corner to investigate and are greeted with:

A. An axe in your face.

B. An infectious bite to the neck.

C. A g-g-g-g-ghost!

D. A detonator to the bomb that was secretly implanted in your girlfriend’s heart. If you don’t activate it within 60 seconds, your own heart will explode instead.

4. Your are unable to start your car! How come?

A. Duh, because there’s a robed hitchhiker clawing at your window, so of course you dropped your keys on the floor.

B. Duh, because there are so goddamn many of those things clawing at you through the windows that you can’t get the key into the ignition.

C. Duh, because your steering wheel just magically turned into a poisonous snake.

D. Duh, because it’s underwater, and you have two minutes to solve a riddle before you drown in it.

5. You are home alone late at night when your phone rings. Who is on the other line?

A. Not sure, but the call appears to be coming from inside your own home!

B. Not sure, but they keep groaning and talking about brains or something…

C. Your dead father, and he sounds good and pissed.

D. An unidentified voice that informs you that if you don’t eat your own face, you’re going to be torn apart by thousands of rabid bobcats.

QUIZ RESULTS AFTER THE JUMP! Read the rest of this entry →

Sick to Death of “A Christmas Story”? Me too.

Every year it’s the same thing. “Christmas Story”. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”. Garfield and Charlie Brown. That annoying Tim Burton movie with the sucky puppets that goth nerds think is so great. It makes me want to puke my eggnog down the front of my festive holiday sweater.

Pissed because he’s the only one that wore an ugly sweater to the “ugly holiday sweater party”

Now I’m not saying that I dislike Christmas movies or anything, I’m just saying that it’s about time for something new. And so it pleases me greatly to present to you a list of twelve alternative holiday movies, some of which I’m sure you are already familiar with, some of which you may not be, and some of which aren’t technically Christmas movies at all, but do take place on or around Christmas. Enjoy!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Black Christmas

These girls are smart, they practice the Buddy System!

First off is a Holiday horror film in the vein of such classics as “Silent Night Deadly Night”. Black Christmas is a modern remake of an early slasher in which a deranged killer dresses like Santa and butchers a house full of sexy sorority girls during Christmas break. Of course, in typical 80’s slasher fashion, there are abundant shower and sex scenes that of course always end with naked fitness models splashing blood all over the goddamn place.

Read the rest of this entry →

Ten more cult films to get you through the holidays!

ow that there is a writer’s strike going on, and the holiday movies have yet to start pouring in, what’s a person to watch on their new 407 inch HDTV? I mean, how many times can you really watch “Transformers” or “Pirates” before the initial “wow” factor turns to bitter disappointment and disinterest? You’ll be glad to know that we have compiled yet another list of awesome cult films that you are guaranteed to want to watch over and over again (if you aren’t too emotionally scarred the first time). Rest assured that these straight-to-video gems will tickle your fancy so hard that you’ll want to take a shower afterward, and never waste your time watching TV doctor dramas again!

Cult Cinema: The alpha and omega of cinematic sleaze.

#10 I Spit On Your Grave

Kind of like that one scene from “Deliverance”, only stretched out over two hours.

“I Spit on Your Grave” may just be the raddest title ever given to a movie. This alone should be enough to warrant the viewing of this film! Which is not to say that there are not other perfectly good reasons. “I Spit on Your Grave” is of the most controversial films ever made, drawing such scorn and disgust from movie critics that it was banned in several countries upon it’s release. To this day, fat-ass film geek Roger Ebert calls it “the worst movie ever made”, dude to it’s strict adherence to the three R’s: Rape, Revenge, and Retards. Watch for yourself and be your own judge, but beware, “I Spit on Your Grave” is not for the squeamish! The notorious castration scene will make even the most hardcore horror fans cover their eyes!

B-Movie Clichés: Tits, revenge, rape, castration, sodomy, scary rednecks, torture, ax murder.

WTF Quote: Andy: Y’know, sometimes I look at these gorgeous-looking chicks, I mean the ones that look like real knockouts, sexy and all… and I wonder… I wonder if they gotta take a shit, too.

Stanley: Hey, all women shit. Women are full of shit.

#9 Ichi The Killer

Believe it or not, this isn’t even the goriest scene in the movie, not by a long shot.

Of the nearly 100 splatterhouse movies directed by iconic Japanese director, Takashi Miike, Ichi the Killer is perhaps the best known in the states, and for good reason. Masochistic yakuza hitman Kakihara is one of the most sadistic villains in cinema, whose savagery is rivaled only by Ichi, a sexually repressed, totally unstable, murderous psychopathic man-child. “Ichi the Killer” somehow manages to combine some of the goriest scenes imaginable with strangely comical performances and dialogue in ways that would make Quentin Tarantino jealous. “Ichi” is worth seeing for the suspended fishhooks and hot oil torture scene alone.

B-Movie Clichés: Arterial blood spray, tits, gangsters, revenge, sadomasochism, exploding guts, torture, rape, misunderstood monsters, bizarre humor, evil adversary, everybody knows karate, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Kakihara: Listen, when you’re giving pain to someone, don’t think about the pain that person is feeling. Just concentrate on how good it feels to be causing someone pain. That’s the best thing you can do for a true masochist!

#8 Street Trash

What’s grosses than an exploding bum? How about an exploding bum, melting into a public toilet?

“Street Trash” is probably the best, if not only, homeless action adventure horror comedy of the last 100 years. The funny thing about the homeless people in this movie, which was made in the 80’s, is that they all look exactly like the privileged Hollywood hipsters of today. Go figure! In “Street Trash”, a lovable transient date rapist is caught in a power struggle between a psychotic Vietnam vet that presides over his own personal junkyard gang and the hard-ass cop that wants to bring him down. Throw into the mix cheap local liquor that melts hobos from the inside out and you have the makings of the dirtiest, slimiest gore-fest around.

B-Movie Clichés: Homeless heroes, plucky detective, paranoid kid, psychopathic Vietnam vet, tits, evil adversary, exploding guts, racial insensitivity, rape, implied rape, drugs, bizarre humor, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Bill The Cop: Lady, I ain’t so sure you don’t have a cock.

#7 The Human Tornado

In simpler times, all disagreements were solved with a vigorous karate match.

The Human Tornado is actually part of a series of “Dolemite” movies, that truly encapsulate the blaxploitation genre that Shaft and Superfly helped to build. The Human Tornado is like a Samuel L. Jackson family reunion, with more cussing, jive-talking, pimp slapping and awkwardly performed karate than is even humanly conceivable. Rudy Ray Moore is awesome as a rapping, ass kicking, babe slaying hustler that clashes with the mafia for trying to shake down his top girl, Queen Bee’s nightclub.

B-Movie Clichés: Everybody knows karate, sexy sidekick, revenge, racial insensitivity, sex, gangsters, tits, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Dolemite: He think he’s bad and ain’t got no class! I’m gon’ rock this shotgun up his muthaf**kin’ ass!
#6 Basket Case

This is why you should never schedule a doctors appointment on Halloween.

One theme that is recurrent in cult films is bitter, pissed off, homicidal, deformed Siamese twins separated at birth from their otherwise normal siblings. Belial is one such creature, who sneaks out of his basket to murder his bumpkin brother Duane’s dates and acquaintances in the bloodiest of ways. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a bodiless flipper baby with a mongoloid head rip the face off of some unexpecting sucker/victim!

B-Movie Clichés: Freaks, bizarre humor, sex, ax murder, buckets of blood, misunderstood monsters, revenge, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Josephine: What’s in the basket?
Duane Bradley: [laughs] My brother!

#5 Shakes The Clown

Alcoholic clowns: Maybe a pony would be a better choice for your child’s birthday party?

“Shakes the Clown” is the Citizen Kane of alcoholic Clown movies. That’s what it says on the back of the box, and I have to agree that this is true. The underrated genius of Bobcat Goldthwait stars alongside such past and present greats as Julie Brown, Adam Sandler and Kathy Griffin in what may be one of the most comprehensive looks at the party clown lifestyle ever committed to film. Even Robin Williams makes an appearance as the instructor of a troupe of mimes, the natural prey of party clowns (who are in turn the natural prey of rodeo clowns). Even if you’re retarded, and doubt the comedic range of Bobcat, I assure you that “Shakes the Clown” is hilarious from start to finish.

B-Movie Clichés: Bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, acute alcoholism, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities, clowns, gangsters, evil adversary.

WTF Quote: Shakes the Clown: I could quit drinking any time I want. This one time, I quit for a whole month! Dink the Clown: Shakes, that doesn’t count, man, you were in a coma. With alcohol poisoning!

#4 Big Trouble in Little China

Kim Catrell and Kurt Russel illustrating why the revival of 80’s fashion must be brought to a stop before it’s too late.

It’s hard to pick just one cult movie starring Kurt Russell and/or directed by John Carpenter. But if pressed, I would have to go with “Big Trouble in Little China”. This is a movie with something for everyone: Love, karate, machine guns, monsters, comedy, the supernatural, everything. Kurt Russell is basically the greatest action star of all time, and “Big Trouble” serves up some of the best death sequences you will ever see. This is a “can’t miss” movie, even if the bad guy that looks like famous character actor Gary Oldman is not actually Gary Oldman.

B-Movie Clichés: Evil adversary, gangsters, homeless heroes, misunderstood monsters, wise old dude, sexy sidekick, useless sidekick, exploding guts, everybody knows karate, bizarre humor, freaks, climactic showdown, John Carpenter, Kurt Russell

WTF Quote: Jack Burton: Hey, I’m a reasonable guy. But I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.

#3 Orgazmo

This picture defies the need for a snarky caption.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker have given us so many good movies and TV shows, bless their hearts. But somehow, this particular gem of a movie often goes unrecognized for no good goddamn reason. Orgazmo is the story of a naïve young Mormon turned porn star turned superhero. Trey Parker stars as the titular character, Joe young, whose faith is tested by an industry that is sorely lacking in moral fiber. With the help of his sidekick, “Choda Boy”, and his “Orgazmorator” ray, young Joe must infiltrate Maxxx Orbison’s porno mafia to win back his fiancée and his Mormon pride!

B-Movie Clichés: Tits, evil adversary, useless sidekick, racial insensitivity, bizarre humor, sex, sodomy, everybody knows karate, climactic showdown.

WTF Quote: Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
Joe Young: Oh yeah, the Greek mythology.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think unicorns are kick ass!

#2 Dead Alive

Dead Alive: Probably spent twice the budget on fake blood than for everything else combined.

The lawnmower scene in this movie is the goriest scene ever filmed. Period. How Peter Jackson ever got someone to give him 300 bazillion dollars to make hobbit movies after producing a string of gross out, low budge zombie flicks like this is beyond anyone’s grasp. When a Sumatran rat-monkey infects pussy mama’s boy New Zealander Lionel’s mother with a zombie virus, all hell breaks loose as he tries to keep her from eating the whole goddamn town. I can safely say that this film is batshit crazy, if not for the zombie babies, ninja priests and pathetic John Arbuckle love story between Lionel and his neighbor, Paquita, than at least for the scene in which a mutated super zombie form of Lionel’s mother tries to return him to her womb.

B-Movie Clichés: Zombies, ax murder, arterial spray, exploding guts, buckets of blood, bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, Oedipus complex.

WTF Quote: Paquita Maria Sanchez: Your mother ate my dog!
Lionel Cosgrove: Not all of it.

#1 Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

If you don’t love Pee-Wee, than the terrorists have already won.

Believe it or not, this movie is actually a remake of Vittorio De Sica’s Italian neo-realist classic, “The Bicycle Thief”. In a way, that makes all the low brow, family friendly dick and fart jokes even more amusing! Everything about this movie manages to be funny and creepy at the same time, a combination that would make director Tim Burton and composer Danny Elfman shit-tons money in the future. Paul Rubens at the height of Pee
Wee Herman fame commits entirely to a character so weird that Jim Carrey would sell his soul to be even a shadow of. If you don’t believe that Paul Rubens is a genius among entertainers just because he likes happened to have a jack attack in a porno theater one day, than you are a tard. Everyone, especially dorks who love Tim Burton’s crappy puppet movies but have never seen one of his actual films, should own this movie.

B-Movie Clichés: Bizarre humor, freaks, misunderstood monsters, Tim Burton, unnecessary sequel.

WTF Quote: Pee-wee: There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand. Dottie: I don’t understand…

If you enjoyed this list, check out the first Top 10 Cult Movies article HERE.