Mongo Nation

Another totally alpha review by your main bro, BuckCherryFan420

By BuckCherryFan420

Hey dudes! It’s your bro BuckCherryFan420! Those fags at CraveOnline hired me to do a review of this new Creed album. Fuckin’ A! Creed’s that old-ass band where the lead singer made a sex tape with MY NIGGA Kid Rock (big ups!). You know, the Jesus Guy.

I saw that video! It’s fucking alpha bro! Those dudes are like T.F.ing these big titty sluts and the Jesus Guy is all like “It’s good to be the king” or some shit. Fuck yeah it is, bro! And the chick is all like, “Mwagh mubba mraghgra!” Because her mouth is like, full of cock, right! HAHAHA! If I had a dollar for every time some bitch said “Mwagh mubba mraghgra” to me I’d be like a billionaire or some shit. It’s too bad that being ALPHA in real life doesn’t make you, like, good at music and stuff.

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Creed the band is pretty crushing, and Jesus Guy sound pretty tough and shit, like his voice or whatever. But all their songs are like these wussy ballads. It’s BULLSHIT! If you’re gonna fucking rock in real life, punching people out and making sex videos and shit, why doesn’t the music, like, reflect that and shit. It’s a fucking waste bro. It makes me sick listening to all this faggy bullshit and thinking about how totally bitchen’ this shit could be if homedude would just SACK THE FUCK UP! WHOOO! I should be the fuckin’ singer of this band dude. They’d be all like crushing and shit and I’d be the one making a sex tape with Kid Rock. Wait, that sounded gay. Not like, with him, with him, bro. Don’t fuckin’ get it twisted just because you’re all a bunch of homos. I’M ALL MAN, BRO! Fuck you!

I don’t want to talk about this Creed shit anymore. They get a score of like, 5 out of 10 Buckcherrys for this “Full Circle” bullcrap and that’s fuckin’ it, for them, bro.

Now let’s take a look at this motherfuckin’ Saw VI soundtrack. I love those fuckin’ movies bro! WHOOO! In case you’re like a pussy that doesn’t watch scary movies because you’re too scared and like, shit your pants all the time and probably have a vagina, Saw is like this movie about people that get killed by having their faces ripped off or like sawing their own dick off and shit like that. It’s fuckin’ crazy, bro. This album is just like the movie! It’s like, SUPER fuckin’ brutal. But then there’s like these moments that make you think and stuff in there too. Not too many though: If I sat around thinking all the time, I wouldn’t have arms like nuclear fuckin’ bombs dude! Maybe you bitches should try thinking less and working out more, so you could be more alpha like me! But then, WHOSE GIRLFRIEND WOULD I DATE RAPE AT THE CLUB BRO? HAHAHA! Someone needs to be the pussy so that I have someone to take my steroid rage out on and shit. FUCKIN’ A! That person is you, pencil dick!

It doesn’t work this way in real life, brosef.

This is the most metal soundtrack since, like, ever bro! Hatebreed, Suicide Silence, Chimaira… These are all bands that I’ve never heard of! But holy fuck are they hella BRUTAL or what?! Damn son, I am getting so pumped up listening to this shit bro. I wanna saw my own dick off! WHOOO! HAHAHA Just kidding dudes, I would never fucking EVER do that. Too many ladies would be hella sad about that shit brosefinas. And you know how I love to please the ladies! WHOOO! BUCKCHERRY FOR LIFE!

This SAW VI soundtrack is hella tight bro. None of these bands have cool style like Buckcherry and I can’t really tell what the fuck they’re talking about half the time. They sound like barking dogs and shit… Sorta like DMX or Lil’ Jon if they were like, white dudes or whatever. But at least they know how to shred and sound all hard and shit so that’s pretty cool. There’s even, like, this one band that’s all like hot metal chicks. They’re called “Kittie” or some shit like that. That’s fuckin’ HAWT bro! Know what I’m saying? I’d like to tame that fuckin’ kittie, broham. (I’m talking about their pussies, dude! Yeah!) I’d probably even let them listen to their shitty girl metal while I WRECK THAT SHIT too! ALPHA TO THE MAXXX! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Saw VI Soundtrack is like 8 out of 10 Buckcherrys, brohams.

-1 for not actually having Buckcherry on it for some reason.
+1 for having a picture of this hot bitch in like a dress made out of needles and shit on the inside. Fucking ALPHA bro! I’d hit that! WHOOO!

Oh, I Saw what you did there…

By Jeremy Azevedo

Saw: The Video Game has been out for a couple of weeks now… But we figured that you’ve probably seen “Saw VI” or at least considered seeing it by now.  Or maybe you told someone a longwinded boring story about why you’re not going to see it?

Either way, the fact remains that you’ve probably at least thought about it in some capacity. So perhaps you’ve also thought about playing the new Saw video game as well. And you’re probably also wondering if it’s any good or not. Well, we’ve played it, so hopefully our experience can help you make an informed decision. I promise it won’t be like that one time when we told you wouldn’t get sick from drinking your own pee. We just wanted to see if you would do it. But it won’t happen again. Real talk.

Sucks to be you.

So yeah, Saw: The Video Game. It’s about 100 times better than most movie spin-offs I’ve played, not that this is saying much. Movie spin-off games are notoriously bad. But the dudes that make the movies made a smart decision by contracting Konami to do the game, thanks to their experience with the Silent Hill series. Saw looks and plays a lot like those Silent Hill titles, which is both good and bad. Everything is pretty dark, but you always have a light source to see your way around. The controls are a little tankish, like old-school Resident Evil and the combat is a little stiff. But if you’ve played survival horror games that came prior to Resident Evil 4, it’ll all seem pretty familiar.

The darkness in Saw actually creates a lot of tension. Playing the game at night is a likely to cause you to experience a bit of anxiety.  And if that doesn’t do it, the combat will. See, Jigsaw sewed a key into your body and told everyone else in the joint that they have to tear it out of you in order to escape. So you’ve got that going for you. The combat takes very specific timing, but is actually pretty fun once you get it down. Especially when you start using traps! But it’s kind of f**ked when you walk into someone else’s trap like an idiot, and getting your head liquefied in the process. The save points are sort of far apart at times, and there were a couple of instances in which I had to repeat puzzles or encounters unnecessarily because I wasn’t walking around looking at my feet.

Aw hell naw!

Speaking of feet! Your character isn’t wearing shoes throughout the game, which sucks because there’s broken glass all over the goddamn place. You’d think that maybe there would be a “put on some shoes so you can stop walking around on hypodermic needles and various other crap like a f**king idiot” power-up, but sadly, this is not the case. There’s lots of stuff to clobber people with though, from baseball bats and lampshades to table legs and mannequin arms. So you’ve got that going for you at least. Read the rest of this entry →

No seriously, they really do want your actual blood…

In a clever publicity bid that combines horror with helping, Lionsgate and the Red Cross are once again teaming up for the SAW VI inspired “Give ‘Til It Hurts” blood drive. Check out these awesome promo posters featuring the sexy SAW nurse, sporting a custom corset by famed designers The Blonds that will give you (sexy) nightmares:

Read the rest of this entry →