Mongo Nation

Feminism? In my video game tapes?

More often than not, female protagonists in video games tend to exist as little more than a shameless attempt to rope in young male audiences looking for cheap thrills (Much like the banner image I used above for this article).But what about those female heroines that transcend the basic law of jiggly tits=$$$? No really, I’m being serious… I’ve even gone so far as to compile a list of the top 10 gaming heroines that are more famous for their contribution to the artform than they are for their propensity for up-skirt cinematography.

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man)

You may have thought that Ms. Pac-Man was nothing more than regular Pac-Man with a bow on his head meant to rope female gamers into playing arcade games, but you would be very wrong sir (or madam). Whatever Pac-Man could do, Ms. Pac-Man could do faster and better. Most old school arcade enthusiasts will tell you that Ms. Pac-Man is just quite simply a smoother and more enjoyable experience than her male predecessor.

Jade (Beyond Good And Evil)

Not many video games star a female journalist struggling to uncover a worldwide military conspiracy using stealth and photography. Jade is probably the best example of a female protagonist being treated with the same respect as a male lead, in one of the best and most under-rated games of all time. Her uncle is a humanoid pig, which is kind of a turnoff, but they’re technically not blood relatives so at least there probably wasn’t any pig-lovin’ in her direct line of lineage. Read the rest of this entry →

Want to know more about Metroid but don’t know your ass from a Chozo? Then read this!

Question: Who has had more bad days than Jack Bauer, can do more with one hand than you could do with three, is always fashionable in gargantuan shoulder pads, hates illegal aliens more than Pat Buchanan, somehow never gets helmet hair no matter what, and is a franchise in and of herself?

If you answered: “Samus Aran”, than you are a nerd. But you are also correct.

Next month marks the release of one of the most highly anticipated titles of the year, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption for the Nintendo Wii. “Corruption” is the last in a trilogy of first person shooters that began life on the Nintendo Gamecube, and tell the story of Samus’ struggle with “Phazon”, a dangerous mutagenic substance sought by space pirates and marines alike in a battle for universal supremacy.

If there’s anything one can learn from Samus’ various adventures, it’s that “all powerful” organic substances/weapons are always in demand and never under control. That and the only way to fit into a tiny space is of course to roll into a tiny ball, that nothing short of a missile blast will open a red door, and that a frozen space monster will always stay frozen for approximately 3.5 seconds. Which creates huge problems for grocery stores and restaurants that might want to keep fresh frozen space monster on hand.

fig. A: frozen space monster

If the current excitement surrounding the release of “Corruption” is any indication, however, this lesson is bound to be repeated again and again, until every last Metroid in the galaxy is rounded up and eliminated. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Question: Just what in the hell is a “Metroid” anyway?

Answer: A metroid is an organic parasite that feeds off of life force until the host animal is destroyed, much like your ex-girlfriend. These lovable, jellyfish-like creatures are impervious to conventional weaponry, and may have single-handedly destroyed an entire civilization of advanced creatures known as “Chozo” on the planet SR388.

In order to build up hype for this event, Nintendo has recently released two of the most important games of the series on the Wii’s Virtual Console, the original NES Metroid and Super Metroid from the SNES, which some people consider to be one of, if not the absolute greatest game of all time.

If you haven’t played Super Metroid before now, it’s the gaming equivalent of a film nerd having never seen Citizen Kane. Utterly reprehensible. Go and play it right now. We’ll wait.

Question from 1986, the year Metroid was originally released: I’m confused about my feeling that Samus is kind of hot even though I’ve played through the entirety of the original game thinking she was a man. Am I gay?

Answer: No, but you are weird for thinking sexily about video game characters, and should probably get outside more often.

Courtesy of Nintendo XXX: Stickers, Posters and Jacktivities

Assuming you have actually had the good sense to play the many excellent 2-D iterations of Metroid, beginning on the NES and Gameboy before eventually moving on to the SNES and GBA, you could see why there was initially some resistance toward the change to 3-D brought forth by the “Prime” series. It’s always quite a shock when a beloved franchise gets an ill-advised “next-gen” makeover.

So far, developer Retro Studios has managed to prove that the exploration-heavy Metroid experience can be combined with more action-oriented FPS style to create a style of play that is what more hackneyed writers have often referred to as “out of this world”.

Although there were some missteps along the way, ranging from the fully stylus/touch screen control of DS offering “Metroid Prime: Hunters” to the slightly annoying ammo system incorporated into “Metroid Prime 2: Echoes”, the latest installment of the game looks to be an exciting revamp of the series. Nintendo plans to implement the wiimote and nunchuck attachment in ways that may redefine the way first person shooters control.

Or may suck like Red Dawn. But for once let’s be optimistic here, people.

At the very least, Nintendo fans will finally be getting an action adventure game worthy of investing some time in, something that thus far has been far and few between.

Ok one last question: I heard that Mother Brain and Ridley make an appearance in this game, despite having been vaporized like half-a-dozen times before. How is this possible?

Mother Brain: Intergalactic supervillian or disembodied pre-op tranny?

Answer: Apparently these bad guys are not necessarily unique, but rather, representatives of a species and further evidence of the ongoing theme that science and nature go together like peanut butter and razor blades. Also, have you ever seen “Captain N: The Game Master”, then you know that can’t possibly be the same Mother Brain that Samus fought on Zebes, there’s just no way.