Mongo Nation

I know, it’s hard to believe they’d turn anyone down, but these five REALLY suck.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Heroes is everyone’s favorite televised version of the X-Men since “The X-Men: The Animated Series”. And yet, despite having decades of mutants from which to rip off their character’s distinct abilities from, Season 4 has been doing an awful lot of recycling.

Invisibility? Seen it. Super speed? Seen it. Time/Space travel? F**king seen it! “What in the goddamn hell is going on here?!”,  a huge nerd like you might scream into his Superman body pillow. Well, I am here to tell you exactly what the goddamn hell is going on here, Junior: They have to cut 99% of the super-powered applicants for having powers that are completely and totally lame. Some people have the same abilities. It happens. How many people fly? How many have super strength? Lots, that’s how many. DO you know why? It’s because flying is awesome. Super strength is awesome. These other powers? Not so much.

Reginald “The Waterboy” Ferris has the unique ability to turn an otherwise ordinary glass of water into a glass of sparkling water at will. While not particularly dangerous, it is annoying. Because if people wanted sparkling water, they would have, you know, ordered it that way.

It bears mentioning that this power only works on about 12 ounces or less of standard tap water. Which is actually good news for the rest of us, because I’m pretty sure that an entire river, lake or ocean of sparkling water would be particularly damaging to the environment. Not to mention the fact that it’d probably just go flat in like a day, anyway.

Saul “The Hipster” Williamsburg possesses a power that is psychic in nature. It allows him to discharge a mental suggestion to any weak-willed individual in his vicinity to see everything that he says and does worthy of emulating. Within days of arriving in any recently gentrified white urban hipster environment, he will have turned nearly the entire population into his clone.

Say “The Hipster” rolls into town sporting a Ned Flanders mustache, wearing Hammer pants, a sombrero and neon green slap bracelets covering his arms, in a wheelchair, listening to “Grizzly Bear”, and speaking only in Pig Latin. Within moments, verybody-ay ill-way ee-bay alking-tay ike-lay is-tay. Ucking-fay ullshit-bay. I mean, who really likes Grizzly Bear? Read the rest of this entry →

What happens to Transformers when they become obsolete?

By Jeremy Azevedo

One thing I’ve always wondered about Transformers is this: They’re from another planet right? So like, when they first get here, and they have to pick a vehicle or object to transform into, how do they know what to pick? What happens if they pick something that maybe seems really cool to them, but to us is totally retarded? Does anyone else ever wonder that?

See, Transformers couldn’t possibly have had any frame of reference as to what constitutes a cool and/or effective vehicle or device when they first arrived on Earth… And we all know that clearly, there are no take-backs, or else there never would have been Transformers turning into microscopes, boomboxes, Pontaic Fieros or shit like that. If they really knew what they were doing, each and every one of them would have transformed into Blackhawk helicopters or Ferrari Testarossas and called it a day. I mean, who would choose to be a dumptruck? People put f**king garbage inside of you, it’s disgusting. So I guess the real question is, what happened to all the Transformers that didn’t become, like, monster trucks and fighter jets and cool shit like that when they first got here from Cybertron? We did a little research and came up with a few that didn’t make the team:

Ringulon (Decepticon)

Like his good buddy Soundwave, Ringulon mistakenly decided to transform into a piece of technology that already had one foot in the cyber-grave. For the first couple of years, Ringulon was able to infiltrate the highest levels of government disguised as a state-of-the-art Zach Morris phone… Today, he’s lucky if some hipster uses him as a prop for his Bret Easton Ellis dance party. Ringulon currently resides in Japan, where they still love robots no matter what they transform into.

Tugjob (Autobot)

Due to the severe and crippling shortage of female Autobots on Earth, there was just no possible way to keep up with the insatiable demand for the ol’ Tugjob. There aren’t enough Energon Cubes in the galaxy to keep Tugjob powered up in the employ of his lonely brothers, and quite frankly, keeping his wrist and elbow hydraulics in working order just proved to be too much of an uphill battle. Tugjob is now semi-retired in the Bay Area, where he manages a Korean massage parlor. Read the rest of this entry →