As further evidence of the impending apocalypse, nary a week goes by that my eyes and ears don’t writhe in agony after being assaulted by the latest horror bestowed upon us by the entertainment juggernaut that rules our world with a tastelessly bejeweled fist.
Not content to keep this unwanted knowledge to myself, I have instead decided to share it with all of you so that you can share in my indignation!
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
This may be the most pandering, obnoxious, racially insensitive, and useless “comedy” of the year, on top of being at least five years too late, if not more. Basically, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” consists of a bunch of Mexican actors (George Lopez, Selma Hayek, Paul Rodriguez, Andy Garcia, and Drew Barrymore as the token “cracker”) spouting off stereotypes while animated dogs prance around rapping about being “hot” dogs. I cannot begin to imagine how it escaped Disney’s notice that no one has given a crap about Chihuahuas since the “Yo Queiro Taco Bell” commercials stopped running and all the celebrities flushed their Chihuahuas down the toilet and got Puggles or some other stupid trendy dog instead.
In response to a modern new era that continually pushes the boundaries of what is and isn’t morally acceptable behavior, the Vatican has released and updated list of seven new “deadly sins”, the violation of which will surely lead to your eternal damnation.
Unfortunately, those gosh darn Buddhists or whatever in the yellow press got a hold of the original decree and changed it to suit their needs. Polluting the environment? Genetic engineering? Obscene wealth? You’d think God was some kind of f**king hippy the way those assholes are trying to make him sound. But don’t worry, we’ve got the real list right here, so have a look at the REAL seven deadly sins for the modern era and consider yourself saved. You’re welcome.
Appearing on a reality TV show
I have no idea what show this is from, but it looks disgusting, whatever it is.
If you are looking to jumpstart your acting career, getting drunk and throwing dinner plates at strangers in fashionable swim wear for two weeks is probably not going to help. If you are looking for love, you’re probably not going to find it with a D-list celebrity by riding a unicycle with a margarita on your head. Eating a plateful of pickled horseshit is not going to cure your overwhelming fear of commitment. There is no amount of money that will make supplicating to Tila Tequila and/or Flava Flav acceptable in the eyes of the lord. Changing the name “Star Search” to “American Idol” and replacing Ed McMahon with Ryan Seacrest doesn’t make vapid pricks singing bad karaoke okay or acceptable. Additionally, the Vatican warns that there is a possibility Ryan Seacrest may even be the Antichrist foretold by scripture. The coming apocalypse will be heralded by the return of “The Grind” to network television. The Vatican may even go so far as to say that the mere act of watching reality TV may be damaging to your soul. You have been warned.
Fat people in tight clothes
How many god-fearing people had to starve so that behemoth could feed?
Fat people that wear tight clothes are a crime against fashion, nature, and all that is holy. Fat is not “fabulous”, regardless of what Tyra/Oprah/Rosie or whatever fat chick on TV is popular at the moment tells you. The Vatican considers mouthy bitches to be agents of sin, fat ones especially. If you are a portly lady or fellow with no bum, tight, skinny jeans are not for you. The Vatican doesn’t care how strict the dress codes for being an emo scene kid are. Nobody wants to see your muffin top. Emo music is clearly homosexual in nature anyway, and you know how the Vatican frowns upon that. While we’re on the subject, fix your hair too. The road to hell is paved with unfortunate hairstyles. But we digress. Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than an enormous fatbody in tights and a belly shirt? Cover that shit up, you gluttonous beast, the power of Christ compels you!
The only reality TV show you should be concerning yourself with.
Normally I would rather shit my pants at the Playboy Mansion while eating a glass bottle of hobo piss and being clotheslined by the Ultimate Warrior than watch a single minute of reality television. Kenny Vs. Spenny, a new show on Comedy Central this season is perhaps the sole exception to this rule.
Kenny Vs. Spenny has already been a show for around four years now, but for some reason dimwitted TV producers in the US were too stupid to recognize the brilliance of these fine young Canadian sociopaths until South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker jumped on board as executive producers.
This image sums up the gist of the show quite nicely.
The basic premise is that Kenny and Spenny are lifelong friends who are driven by a need to compete against one another in a variety of unusual competitions, with the loser being subjected to some type of obscene humiliation at the end. Some examples would be “Who can stay naked the longest”, “Who can win a beauty pageant” or “First one to get a boner loses”.
Where Spenny is more apt to take the high road to victory and follow the rules to the letter, Kenny will generally stop at nothing in order to win. In one of my personal favorite episodes, “Who will use their arms first”, Kenny ties a dwarf to his chest and throws Spenny’s guitar off the roof, forcing Spenny to use his arms to catch it. The resulting punishments for failure might range from modeling women’s lingerie in a storefront window to licking the door handle of an adult video store.
Kenny and Spenny were kind enough to abstain from torturing one another long enough to record the following exclusive video for CraveOnline:
Check out Kenny Vs. Spenny Sundays at 11:30p/10:30c on Comedy Central.
