Mongo Nation

Pro-Life Propaganda Sneaks Into Horror Movies

By Mark Chalifoux

Pro-life propaganda has made it to the big screen and it’s out to KILL YOU! (Or something along those lines.) More accurately, there is a movie out now about a girl who is haunted by her twin brother who died in the womb. I beg you not to see it, and not just because it looks awful. You should refuse to see it simply because of the overwhelming pro-life message.

I’ve had enough of the entire abortion debate and the tactics the pro-lifers take can be downright annoying. We get it, you think babies are precious, which is why you have 17 of them (either because they are precious or because they will get you a reality show). I’ve got no problem with you voicing your opinions by killing my doctors or throwing paint on people who wear fur coats (I may have mixed up my crazies here) but stay out of my movies.

Seriously.

You can tell this movie is a pro-life flick because the ghost looks like a small child. If this was a pro-choice movie, it would be dull, because there wouldn’t even be a second ghost. Something with no soul can’t haunt you, which is why we’ve never seen movies about a scary ghost flower or a scary ghost Richard Nixon. If you die without even being born, I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to have a ghost.

Even if you make me suspend disbelief and subscribe to the theory that life is created at inception, at least make the ghost look believable. I may be the only person I know who has never seen a ghost, but I know how they work. They always look like they did the day they died, sometimes even wearing the wounds from the injury that killed them (i.e. ghost with an axe in his head, bullet holes, etc.).

Ghost-Nixon, FTW!

Following this theory, the ghost from this movie should be like a 16-inch long fetus. It shouldn’t look like a 6-year-old boy. How can they miss a crucial thing like this? And wouldn’t everyone in the world want to see a movie about a ghost fetus out for revenge? Even given my stance on abortion, I’d absolutely go watch that movie. Read the rest of this entry →

Rare instances in which number 2 is number 1

By Jeremy Azevedo

Everyone knows that nine times out of ten, movie sequels suck so bad that they make you want to bash your head in with a petrified movie theater hot dog. Painful and unnecessary, they represent the unchecked greed that is destroying our entertainment industry, and the stupidity of the people that they are marketed to.

Except for these sequels listed here, which were all freakin’ sweet! Each and every one of the following films were even better than the originals, most (but not all) of which were pretty great to begin with. Please note that planned trilogies were considered for the list, as the second movie in any trilogy (except the Matrix) is always the best in the series and therefore unfair to include. So if you’re looking for Empire, the The Two Towers or Godfather 2, go look up some hack-job AFI list instead.

The Dark Knight

While Batman Begins was a far sight better than the couple of lame-o Batman movies that preceded it, there were still one or two problems with it. It had too much painfully redundant origin stuff, and lacked a truly memorable villain. Plus, Katie Holmes was intolerably out of place (bad actress, way too young to be the D.A. of Gotham, not even that hot to make up for it, etc.). The Dark Knight corrected all of these problems, nixing Holmes, adding The Joker and Two Face to the mix, dispensing with all the lame origin bullshit and getting right into the action. Everything about The Dark Knight was better in every way, and has the box office numbers to back it up. I still say it was about an hour too long though. Read the rest of this entry →