Mongo Nation

Well it’s about goddamn time, but still…

By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World

As a longtime player of the Guitar Hero franchise from way back in the dark ages of the first Guitar Hero on the PS2, I have been absolutely dying to know just what in the goddamn hell is wrong with Activision…

Here they are, sitting on a library of great songs, doing f**k-all with them, while Rock Band releases boatloads DLC every single week like clockwork. What could Activision have possibly been doing with their time? Having goddamn tea parties with Aerosmith? Because let’s face it, they kinda blew their wad with the first few games, and “holy crap” moments are getting pretty few and far between in the newer games. Who among us hasn’t thought, “Jesus H, man, I wish they would just code the drums and vox into some of the older songs from the previous games already”?

Enough.

After you’ve already played “Cowboys From Hell”, “Freebird” and “Paint It Black”, it’s hard to get excited about crap like Bon Jovi and Tokio Hotel. (Seriously, Tokio Hotel? wtf?!) The original games had a setlist that was so goddamn rocking, it was like a music nerd’s wet dream. Now that it has to appeal to a more mainstream audience, the songs just get shittier and shittier. This would be easier to overlook if there was more variety, but while Rock band 2 offered Rock Band 1 owners the ability to port all of their songs from the previous game, Guitar Hero World Tour in turn offered owners of the previous games the opportunity to go f**k themselves.

Now it has been announced that they’ve finally got around to porting some of the older songs, but here’s the catch: Instead of offering the songs as DLC or as a budget priced expansion, Activision is planning to release “Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits” as a full retail priced, stand-alone product. That’s 48 songs for $60 bucks, my friend. 48 songs that you’ve already paid for, maybe even more than once if you made the jump from PS2 to Xbox 360. Not exactly my idea of a “thank you” to the OG Guitar Heroes that have kept the franchise alive, as it struggles to remain relevant next to some pretty stiff competition on the part of Rock Band. And guess what else? It isn’t compatible with Guitar Hero World Tour. Eat all of the dicks, Activision. You are out of your freaking minds.

Activision would also like you to pay $60 to pretend to be these guys.

So far, the only songs that have been verified are as follows:

“Them Bones” - Alice in Chains
“Killer Queen” - Queen
“Nothin’ But A Good Time” - Poison
“Killing in the Name” - Rage Against The Machine
“I Wanna Rock” - Twisted Sister
“I Love Rock N Roll” - Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
“Barracuda” - Heart
“Through the Fire and Flames” - Dragonforce

These aren’t even the best songs that the previous games had to offer. This is karaoke 101 type stuff, save for Dragonforce, which is all but impossible to play. Imagine trying to get a whole band to do “Through the Fire and Flames” without failing, as Guitar Hero lacks the more group-friendly save mode that Rock band has. Forget it. Here’s hoping that Activision comes to their senses and expands the setlist with some better stuff, as well as attaching a more reasonable price to it, like maybe $39.99 at most.

Holy crap is that Donald Sutherland?

By Steven Busch

I recently saw Metallica perform live. It was the first time I had seen Metallica, so I was pretty excited. I showed up late missing both the opening bands, The Sword and Machine Head, both of which I might have been thrilled to see under normal circumstances.

The only thing on my mind was the mighty Metallica.

Upon walking in, I noticed a few things, the first being that there was a noticeable lack of attractive women. I had figured that, what with the watering down of Metallica’s songs as of late, this would open them up to more of an early-twenties, sorority girl crowd. Boy was I wrong… A handful of the run-of-the-mill, chubby teen girls, with Cannibal Corpse or Metallica T-shirts were about the only females under drinking age. There were also a few Midwest looking, chewed up and spit out, peroxide blonde chicks roaming around, fake boobs in the lead.

Some hambeasts at the show.

I also noticed that the beer stands were very few and far between, and damn it all to hell, they closed at 10 o’clock, only half way through Metallica’s two-hour set. Bullshit! Not only were there no garish 80s throwback chicks (like I’d assumed there would be), but I only got to drink 2 beers! Double bullshit.

Another thing I noticed were the endless kids running around in Metallica shirts. Did someone forget to send this generation the following memo:

“Don’t Wear The Shirt Of The Band You Are Going To See”

I was milling through an endless sea of slovenly teens, who appear to have been wearing their early 2000’s era Metallica shirts all week long, as if someone was going to pick them out of the crowd and greet them with, “Hey dude, nice shirt!” FAIL!!!! Every asshole here is wearing that shirt you f**ktard!

Metallidorks.

When I get to my seat, I take a look around. There are a few milfs here and there, a mother/daughter in front of us (the daughter screamed when they played “Nothing Else Matters”, but sat bored for a good portion of the show) and various kids and normal looking people. Just as the band breaks into a boisterous rendition of “Four Horsemen” two old people come pushing their way down the isle.

Read the rest of this entry →

October’s CD releases in 20 words or less!

By Jeremy Azevedo

No matter how many unsolicited CDs I get in my mailbox every month, I try to at least give each and every one of them a fair shot at a review, no matter how much it may pain me to listen to some of them.

In the interest of saving myself a hell of a lot of work, I’ve condensed all of the reviews for the aforementioned albums to 20 words or less. Not only does this make my job easier, but it also makes the reviews more fun to read.

Oasis: Dig Out Your Soul

Remember when that dude jumped up on stage and punched Noel Gallagher right in the face? He totally deserved it.

Ying Yang Twins: The Official Work

Are these dudes retarded or something? They make 2 Live Crew look like KRS One, I shit you not.

Hollywood Undead: Swan Song

Like Linkin Park in “scene gear” and hockey masks. More of a brilliantly marketed product than an actual band.

The Answer: Never Too Late

This band not only looks like, but also sounds like “Stillwater”, the fictional band in “Almost Famous”. Which is rad.

Metallica: Death Magnetic

Sounds less like “Reload” and more like “And Justice For All”. As metal as four old-ass dudes can get.

Termanology: Politics as Usual

This dude has got production by DJ Premiere, Hi Tek, Alchemist, Nottz and Pete Rock on his album. Holy crap!

Pitbull: Krazy feat. Lil Jon (Single)

A generic Mexico Spring Break backing track over which Lil Jon yells “yeah!” and “uggghhhh!” Wait, is this from 2001?

Rise Against: Appeal to Reason

Melodic punk about bitches and money. Just kidding, it’s about animal rights, war protesting and other hippie stuff.

Ghostbusters canceled? Aerosmith selling? Jet Grind Radio returns?

By Ted Hucklebuck

Activision is unloading tons of Sierra published properties from their release schedule, some of which are real shockers. On the cutting room floor, but not necessarily gone for good are Ghosbusters (WHAT?!) and Brutal Legend (YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME). Nooooooooo! Say it ‘aint so!

The Bourne franchise has officially been offloaded, and Wet (which was starting to look really good, too), some game called Zombie Wranglers and the latest Chronicles of Riddick, World in Conflict, Leisure Suit Larry and 50 Cent games are all totally shit-canned for now.

What games survived the culling? Prototype, Crash Bandicoot and Spyro. Seriously? The official motherf**king sequel to Ghostbusters cut in exchange for Crash Bandicoot?! Unbelievable. Someone better pick these titles up soon before we miss out on some really great games. Except for 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. That one’s just retarded. It’s like 50 Cent and his “homies” killing terrorists in Iraq or something. I swear I did not just make that up.

What kind of world is this in which a game like Brutal Legend not a publisher’s first priority?

In other news, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith inexplicably sold over 1 bajillion copies, despite the fact that no one has given a crap about Aerosmith for at least 100 years. This has prompted Activision (them again?) to jack themselves off publicly over all the bands that are now going to have their own Guitar Hero editions in the future, like Metallica and Van Halen. Because if there’s anything people don’t like, it’s variety, right guys? This sort of thing should be downloadable content at best, not stand alone games. Amirite?

Lastly, word on the street is that Sega is going to be developing a new Jet Grind Radio game for the Wii. For those of you who are not smart enough to know this already and need to be told, Jet Grind Radio for the Dreamcast is one of the best games ever made, and there hasn’t been a sequel of any kind in forever. This is great news for Wii owners that have nothing to play but lame ports of PS2 games and ugly, offline stepbrother versions of Xbox 360 and PS3 games.