80s Cartoons Unlikely To Become Summer Blockbusters 0
The hype machine has to stop somewhere, right?
By Jeremy Azevedo
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Due to the success of Transformers and the overwhelming hype surrounding the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, producers are no doubt snapping up licenses to 80s cartoons at an alarming rate… |
But for every Thundercats or He-Man, there’s another franchise that has absolutely no business ever being made into a movie. Here’s a look at the bottom 5:
Bravestarr:
Yes, he does ride that horse, and yes, it is awkward.
Bravestarr essentially combines science fiction, westerns, racial stereotypes and Satanism into one tidy package. The plot revolves around a planet known as “New Texas” (naturally) upon which some valuable mineral known as “Kerium” is being mined by meek “prarie people” who seem to receive no visible benefit for their slave labor. Despite this fact, an alcoholic Native American sheriff known as Marshall Bravestarr is called into action to combat an evil menace (the antichrist, furries, prarie people who want a piece of the action, gay robots) over the fate of New Texas and it’s precious resources, armed with his shamanistic spirit animal powers and a sweet cowboy hat. This show also features a talking horse that stands on two legs and can shoot a rifle, which sort of defeats the purpose of being a horse in the first place. Additionally, this also makes everyone feel weird about it when Bravestarr rides on his back.
Likelihood of being adapted into a film: 1/1,000
Silverhawks/Tigersharks/Sectaurs/Dinosaucers
Piss-poor Thundercats clones: This is why we can’t have nice things.
As a result of the overwhelming popularity of Thundercats, everybody and their mother was scrambling to develop their own anamorphic superteam of humanimals to delight bloodthirsty warmongering children and also give furries something to fap to. The bastard spawn of this shameless cash-in resulted in militaristic teams of bird–people, sea creature-people, insect-people and dinosaur-people, all of which were comparatively short lived. I can’t remember a goddamn thing about any of them, really, other than that the only African American Silverhawk was named “Hotwing”, which is pretty funny by today’s standard for being borderline offensive.
Likelihood of being adapted into a film: 1/10,000 Read the rest of this entry →
