Places To Get Low Hanging Fruit 0
…And by that I mean ladies who put out.
 By J-Stache |
By now, you’re feeling a bit more like the man you can become and less like the doucher you’ve been by birthright. Credit me with showing you where the keys to the kingdom are located. |
But only you can unlock the golden door, man! It’s time you buckle that chinstrap, get out on the field and pop somebody!
Take your new found swagger to where the fish are. Here is my most reliable shag spots, a tour de force of confidence building escapades for the newly initiated trim hound:
1. Old-Age Homes: You’ll find lots of ladies sitting around with time on the hands looking to start some trouble. At this point, a guy like you needs a captive audience. Things to come equipped with inlcude: angel food cake, Judy Garland movies, plenty of hypo-allergenic oils and as many coupons as you can collect. You may have to prime the pump, but once you in, hold on for dear life.
2. Academic or Chubby Sororities: If you had to choose between one or the other, go academic. Despite having mustaches themselves and an undying interest in nanotechnology, these ladies are burning for a twirl. Once you get those poorly fitting jeans off, things will get better. Be sure to read up on Dawkins, Rumi and Euclidean Geometry. If you really want to slay them, take out you HP12C Scientific Calculator at the right moment and watch the flowers open.
3. Dog Tracks: Some ladies are so low, that even a loser like you makes them feel like things are looking up. Don’t be afraid to lower the bar. The key her is keep making trifecta bets, buying cans of Coors Light and promising a big meal at the local Red Lobster. If you can get them to the car, play some Freedom Rock and sing along with great gusto. Nothing moves the betting lady like a health round of “Sweet Home Alabama”.
If you listened to me so far, this should end in some touchdowns. Send me photos at ridethemustache@gmail.com.
Here when you need me,
J-Stache
Last weeks blog: Cars: Fast Rides For Fast Times
Previous blogs: Fashion Advice: What Not To Wear: From Gays, To Nerds
Drunk dialing with everyone’s favorite drug abusing, alcoholic, animated mustache!
John Oates’ mustache teaches us how to pull some serious wool
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