Mongo Nation

As in, more than usual…

By Larry “Stretchnuts” Johnson

Every night, when I read myself to sleep with the newspaper that I sleep under as a blanket, I see the same complaints: Everybody bitching about the recession, high gas prices, failing economy…

And I’m like, are you serious? You think you have it tough? Try being homeless these days; it’s a real sonofabitch!

Number 1 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: ATM cards

Up until the mid/late nineties, people used to carry this green stuff called cash with them everywhere they went. Credit cards had been around for awhile already, and ATM cards were becoming more and more prevalent, but at that time ATM cards weren’t good for anything other than getting more cash out when the bank was closed. Almost every bar, liquor store and restaurant in the city was “cash only.” It was like a smorgasbord!

Panhandling was at its peak in those days. Why, back in ’93, I must’ve been pulling in anywhere from five to six hundred dollars a day on my lunch break alone! I was at the height of homeless fashion, washed up in the finest restrooms, had teeth made out of diamonds, a solid gold shopping cart, a thoroughbred feral street Chihuahua, and all the rock I could smoke! Nowadays I’m lucky to scrape up enough money for a nickel bag of paint fumes!

This is like, my dream right here!

Number 2 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Bottled water

Remember back before you could buy a bottle of water for two dollars at the supermarket? You used to be able to drink it for free on every street corner in America back when we used to have these things called “drinking fountains”. I don’t know if the bottled water companies asked to have them removed or if they just got taken away because of disuse, but just you try finding some clean water to drink in the city these days! The only upside to it is that you people generally throw away half drank bottles, which we can then finish and also recycle the bottle. So I guess it’s not a total loss, but once again, your convenience is our inconvenience, you pricks.

Read the rest of this entry →

7 horrible new things to worry about!

By The Pope!

In response to a modern new era that continually pushes the boundaries of what is and isn’t morally acceptable behavior, the Vatican has released and updated list of seven new “deadly sins”, the violation of which will surely lead to your eternal damnation.

Unfortunately, those gosh darn Buddhists or whatever in the yellow press got a hold of the original decree and changed it to suit their needs. Polluting the environment? Genetic engineering? Obscene wealth? You’d think God was some kind of f**king hippy the way those assholes are trying to make him sound. But don’t worry, we’ve got the real list right here, so have a look at the REAL seven deadly sins for the modern era and consider yourself saved. You’re welcome.

Appearing on a reality TV show

I have no idea what show this is from, but it looks disgusting, whatever it is.

If you are looking to jumpstart your acting career, getting drunk and throwing dinner plates at strangers in fashionable swim wear for two weeks is probably not going to help. If you are looking for love, you’re probably not going to find it with a D-list celebrity by riding a unicycle with a margarita on your head. Eating a plateful of pickled horseshit is not going to cure your overwhelming fear of commitment. There is no amount of money that will make supplicating to Tila Tequila and/or Flava Flav acceptable in the eyes of the lord. Changing the name “Star Search” to “American Idol” and replacing Ed McMahon with Ryan Seacrest doesn’t make vapid pricks singing bad karaoke okay or acceptable. Additionally, the Vatican warns that there is a possibility Ryan Seacrest may even be the Antichrist foretold by scripture. The coming apocalypse will be heralded by the return of “The Grind” to network television. The Vatican may even go so far as to say that the mere act of watching reality TV may be damaging to your soul. You have been warned.

Fat people in tight clothes

How many god-fearing people had to starve so that behemoth could feed?

Fat people that wear tight clothes are a crime against fashion, nature, and all that is holy. Fat is not “fabulous”, regardless of what Tyra/Oprah/Rosie or whatever fat chick on TV is popular at the moment tells you. The Vatican considers mouthy bitches to be agents of sin, fat ones especially. If you are a portly lady or fellow with no bum, tight, skinny jeans are not for you. The Vatican doesn’t care how strict the dress codes for being an emo scene kid are. Nobody wants to see your muffin top. Emo music is clearly homosexual in nature anyway, and you know how the Vatican frowns upon that. While we’re on the subject, fix your hair too. The road to hell is paved with unfortunate hairstyles. But we digress. Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than an enormous fatbody in tights and a belly shirt? Cover that shit up, you gluttonous beast, the power of Christ compels you!

Read the rest of this entry →

Apple unveils the next logical evolution of the iPod.

Big news from Apple today as a new iPod product line hits the market, not the least of which is a completely new touchscreen (!) iPod, the iPod touch.

The iPod touch looks and acts very much like the iPhone, has a hi-res 3.5 inch widescreen, is internet enabled and comes with a streamlined version of iTunes that can allow you to spend even more money wirelessly downloading bad music anywhere.

The iPod touch comes in both an 8 GB and a 16 GB version, and retails for $299-$399 respectively. The Wi-Fi can be accessed in virtually any internet hot-spot, (provided that you are in or around a Starbucks) and even offers a specialized mobile version of YouTube that can save videos of people getting kicked in the nuts and cats falling off of beds with a single touch.

In other iPod news, the iPod nano is now about half the size of it’s previous incarnation, but can now play videos. The video quality is quite good, but the screen is very, very tiny. I’m not too sure if it would be advisable to do so, as it would probably make you go blind (or at least cross-eyed), but you could conceivably watch up to 5 hours of video on this thing.

Even the original iPod got an overhaul, with a shiny new metal casing in fitting with the new iMac design, and a ridiculous amount of available storage space, topping out at 160 GB. That’s the equivalent of about 140 days of music straight, without ever repeating a song. If you have enough music to fill this thing up, you probably should consider seeing a therapist for your problem.

Of course, no amount of changes to previous editions will even come close to the hype surrounding the iPod touch. Although it remains to be seen how effective it works or how well it holds up, as well as what additional fees may be encumbered, I’m sure that nothing will stop Apple fanboys from lining up at every electronics store in the country on September 28th to get their greasy fingerprints all over one.