Posted on
July 30, 2009 by
jeremyazevedo
The summer can be the best of time or the worst of times for movies, depending on which ones you see and which ones you avoid. To help you make the right decisions and make the most out of a beautiful summer spent indoors, in the dark, stuffing your face with popcorn, nachos, candy, hot dogs and soda, CraveOnline has compiled a list of the top 10 movies we’re looking forward to this year. Rest assured that if you take our advice and don’t miss the following ten films, your summer will have been well spent!
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Tag line based on a cursory glance at the movie’s poster:
“Because you will throw money at anything that makes you feel nostalgic.”
“What we lack in robots, we more than make up for in skintight rubber body suits!”
What it’s actually about:
Cobra, and international terror organization hell-bent on world domination, tries to procure a weather dominator or a pyramid of power or a satellite laser or something along those lines. A bunch of hot shot GI Joes rush into battle against them and save the day, presumably. Much tight leather is worn, and many laser blasts are fired that never kill any humans (though several robots are not so lucky). Does any of this really even matter? I know you already pre-ordered your tickets, nerd.
Inglorious Basterds
Tag line based on a cursory glance at the movie’s poster:
“This movie is so awesome, we didn’t even bother to spell check the title.”
“Brad Pitt is still cool right? Look, he even has a funny little mustache in this movie!”
“Quentin Tarantino will make you tolerate Eli Roth if it’s the last thing he does…”
What it’s actually about:
In this ensemble WWII film, a group of Jewish-American soldiers (played by actors that are, for the most part, not even remotely Jewish so far as I can tell) go on the warpath, hunting down as many Nazis as they can get their hands on. Of course, one of them is a hot young Jewish ninja or something. Because this is a Quentin Tarantino movie, Inglorious Basterds is expected to be:
A.) Awesome
B.) Bloody as all hell
C.) Up to it’s ears in curse words, some of which probably haven’t even been invented yet.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Tag line based on a cursory glance at the movie’s poster:
“We’ve got to hurry up and get thee movies done before the child actors turn 30…”
“You remember Harry Potter right? The books you used to read before you got into all that sparkly vampire crap?”
What it’s actually about:
Harry Potter and his friends discover the secret to defeating the recently resurrected Lord Voldemort lies in the destruction of seven objects known as “horcruxes”, which contain fragments of Voldemort’s soul. Somehow Harry finds the time to play grab-ass with Ginny Weasley when he’s not busy trying to defeat the most dangerous and evil wizard in the world. Darker and more mature than any of the previous books and/or movies, The Half-Blood Prince is shaping up to be the most successful entry in the series to date. Think less Romper Room and more Lord of the Rings.
Bruno
Tag line based on a cursory glance at the movie’s poster:
“If you though making fun of Eurasians was funny, just wait’ll we get started on gays!”
“The most incessantly quoted movie of 2010…”
What it’s actually about:
Like Borat did in 2006, Sacha Baron’s latest alternate personality essentially just goes out in public and offers John Q. America the rope with which to hang himself. Naturally, the reactions people have to his bizarre behavior are comedy gold. See this before everyone else does so your coworkers don’t ruin all the best parts for you, and also so that if you discover that you’re actually in the movie, you can get your lawsuit in while the money is still flowing!
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