Please join me in welcoming a talented new contributor, Tom Oatmeal!
By Tom Oatmeal
All that I really know about Mr. Oatmeal is that an idiot horse bit his hand off when he was trying to feed him a pinecone, that he enjoys sugar, and is excited by the pronunciation of the word “excite”.
Also, he is quite possibly the only person on the face of the earth that has ever read the novelization of the film “Kickboxer”, starring Jean Claude Van Damme. -Jeremy
I Deserve A Better Life, By Tom Oatmeal
Don’t Patronize Me! See?!
The other day I was dominating in tetherball against this retarded kid with no fingers and I thought to myself, “You know what? I’m a pretty nice guy to be out here in the heat like this.” Then I thought, “Well shit. I do a lot of nice things basically all the time!” It’s true really. I’m like a ray of goddamned sunshine and I’m not even talking about just to mongoloids or whatever. I’m pretty nice to real people too! Then I thought, “How is my life not better? Should I move the tetherball pole to the front yard so more attractive women can see the good deed I’m doing?” Then I dared the retarded kid to chew up the tether ball because I needed some “me time” to think on it.
To say that I connect on all cylinders in every aspect of my life is a gross understatement. I’m a hard worker, a solid citizen, and a social butterfly. But more like a wingless butterfly who has a real, human head instead of that little insect pea-head and who also has shiny, slicked-back hair, wears expensive velvet suits, and does a lot of cocaine.
I’m an alpha male thanks in large to my steadfast belief that men have an obligation to lead. I speak incredibly loud and have little tolerance for laziness. If I’m sitting in a restaurant and my order isn’t taken within the first ten minutes, I’ll march right up to the manager and yell at him. If he says something about how at this restaurant you’re supposed to order at the front, I’ll laugh in his stupid teenaged face and tell him what an idiotic idea that is. Then I will say that I have a lot of friends and I will tell all of them not to eat at this “McDougal’s” place and then good luck staying in business after a few months of that. “It’s McDonald’s Sir,” he might say to which I’ll reply that I know how to fucking read. As I drive away from the restaurant, I’ll try to flex my muscles by squeezing the steering wheel in hopes that the other passengers will notice and momentarily cease losing respect for me.
Stupid Mom & Pop Operations
A wise man once said that parties are not parties until I show up. How do I know? Hint: I am that wise man. Though I’m known to cut loose, I seldom relax entirely. My hectic schedule won’t allow for it. When I party, I party. Hard. I simply don’t have time to wait around for formalities like “finding out whose birthday it is” or “realizing that I’m not at the right house.” If I see cake, I’m going to dig in and I’m going to eat as much of it as I can until some guy I’ve never met before, but everyone is calling “Dad,” beats me into unconsciousness. Hours later, I’ll marvel at my perseverance as I demonstrate to a new group of friends this trick where I reach one of my handcuffed palms into my pocket and pull out some cake that I put there when “Dad” thought I was knocked out. Read the rest of this entry →
Every night, when I read myself to sleep with the newspaper that I sleep under as a blanket, I see the same complaints: Everybody bitching about the recession, high gas prices, failing economy…
And I’m like, are you serious? You think you have it tough? Try being homeless these days; it’s a real sonofabitch!
Number 1 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: ATM cards
Up until the mid/late nineties, people used to carry this green stuff called cash with them everywhere they went. Credit cards had been around for awhile already, and ATM cards were becoming more and more prevalent, but at that time ATM cards weren’t good for anything other than getting more cash out when the bank was closed. Almost every bar, liquor store and restaurant in the city was “cash only.” It was like a smorgasbord!
Panhandling was at its peak in those days. Why, back in ’93, I must’ve been pulling in anywhere from five to six hundred dollars a day on my lunch break alone! I was at the height of homeless fashion, washed up in the finest restrooms, had teeth made out of diamonds, a solid gold shopping cart, a thoroughbred feral street Chihuahua, and all the rock I could smoke! Nowadays I’m lucky to scrape up enough money for a nickel bag of paint fumes!
This is like, my dream right here!
Number 2 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Bottled water
Remember back before you could buy a bottle of water for two dollars at the supermarket? You used to be able to drink it for free on every street corner in America back when we used to have these things called “drinking fountains”. I don’t know if the bottled water companies asked to have them removed or if they just got taken away because of disuse, but just you try finding some clean water to drink in the city these days! The only upside to it is that you people generally throw away half drank bottles, which we can then finish and also recycle the bottle. So I guess it’s not a total loss, but once again, your convenience is our inconvenience, you pricks.
Because you are a huge nerd with too much time on your hands
By Jeremy Azevedo
I’m not really sure what a Yugioh is, and I’m not particularly inclined to care. As I understand it, it’s one of those Magic: The Gathering type games that nerds who can’t afford video games play in their parent’s basements until the age of 40, at which time they die of Mountain Dew Xtreme overdose.
I’ll tell you something else though, some of these nerds have created a site that allows you to make your own cards. Now you might be asking yourself, “why in the hell would I want to do that?” The answer is simple. You would want to do it for the same reason that you would do anything else: for the LULZ.
For those of you that have a hard time imagining why this might be a fun waste of time, I have wasted some time of my own creating my very own set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards:
The only reality TV show you should be concerning yourself with.
Normally I would rather shit my pants at the Playboy Mansion while eating a glass bottle of hobo piss and being clotheslined by the Ultimate Warrior than watch a single minute of reality television. Kenny Vs. Spenny, a new show on Comedy Central this season is perhaps the sole exception to this rule.
Kenny Vs. Spenny has already been a show for around four years now, but for some reason dimwitted TV producers in the US were too stupid to recognize the brilliance of these fine young Canadian sociopaths until South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker jumped on board as executive producers.
This image sums up the gist of the show quite nicely.
The basic premise is that Kenny and Spenny are lifelong friends who are driven by a need to compete against one another in a variety of unusual competitions, with the loser being subjected to some type of obscene humiliation at the end. Some examples would be “Who can stay naked the longest”, “Who can win a beauty pageant” or “First one to get a boner loses”.
Where Spenny is more apt to take the high road to victory and follow the rules to the letter, Kenny will generally stop at nothing in order to win. In one of my personal favorite episodes, “Who will use their arms first”, Kenny ties a dwarf to his chest and throws Spenny’s guitar off the roof, forcing Spenny to use his arms to catch it. The resulting punishments for failure might range from modeling women’s lingerie in a storefront window to licking the door handle of an adult video store.
Kenny and Spenny were kind enough to abstain from torturing one another long enough to record the following exclusive video for CraveOnline:
Check out Kenny Vs. Spenny Sundays at 11:30p/10:30c on Comedy Central.
