Mongo Nation

How to choose the right single malt Scotch whisky for you!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Last week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a single malt Scotch whisky tasting with Edward “Dirt” Adams, Master of Whisky for the luxury Classic Malts Selection brand.

Classic Malts were showing off their latest releases for the holidays, and I was more than happy to help them out by soaking up a few samples. After I had given up on trying to guess whether Dirt was a Scottish dude with an American accent or an American dude with a Scottish accent, I began to wonder what kind of people would enjoy these fine single malts that I tasted?

To make things easier, I’ve included a picture of the celebrity that each single malt made me think of, in case any of you are illiterate, or too drunk to read the accompanying text. That way, no one feels left out!

Dalwhinnie Distillers Edition

Who is it for?

Dalwhinnie is somewhat sweet, somewhat creamy, and somewhat smoky. In no way does it really tip the scale one way or the other. Dalwhinnie is a smooth, easygoing malt for a consumer that expects excellence, but doesn’t necessarily want to take any risks. It also bears mentioning that when combined with smoky almonds, Dalwhinnie tastes just like bacon. So if you don’t like bacon, then you should probably not eat smoky almonds while drinking this. You should also get a cat scan, because clearly, something is wrong with your brain. Bacon is delicious!

Oban 14

Who is it for?

Oban is one of the oldest Scotch whisky distilleries in the world. It also exists in a particularly unique location, nestled between the coast and the highlands, that is nearly impossible to reproduce. Oban 14 has a slight orange flavor that tastes a bit like Grand Marnier, except not all syrupy and lame. Oban 14 is great for fancy dandies that don’t mind a little fruitiness in their Scotch. Which sounds like an oxymoron, I know. However, those of you who are willing to break the mold of the bearded, salty old dogs drinking Scotch straight with no water, on a bearskin rug that you tell everyone that you killed with your bare hands (but actually bought on eBay), then you will discover that Oban 14 is one of the most unique and wonderful single malts on the market today. Read the rest of this entry →

Like, so bad it could possibly get you arrested

By Creepy Office Guy

Another year, another crappy Secret Santa gift exchange. Believe me, I know that nothing is worse than trying to figure out what to buy for someone you barely know and definitely don’t like for under $20…

If you think I’m going to help you by telling you just what to get, forget it. I’ve got my own Secret Santa problems to deal with. What I will do, however, is share with you some of my knowledge as to what not to get your co-workers for the holidays, culled from many years of awkward and sometimes litigious experience.

Squirt gun
Filled with bourbon

Your co-workers may be alcoholics… And they may want nothing more than to put a gun in their mouth… But the last thing they need is a painful reminder of these things during the holidays.

Commemorative plate
Made of crack cocaine

It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Until you run out, and have to start turning tricks in the alley outside the transient hotel to get your hands on some more. Like Whitney Houston said, before shooting an 8-ball of cocaine into her eyeball in front of television cameras while simultaneously sniffing angel dust from a secret compartment in her shoe: “Crack is Whack!”

One of those fake vomit thingies from a joke shop
Except it’s real vomit and it’s from your stomach

I know what you’re thinking: Why settle for a cheap, disgusting gag when you can get a better response for free? Well… you got me there. Just make sure the box is lined with some kind of plastic or cellophane, otherwise it’ll leak and give away the joke!

Frozen vial of what you’re reasonably certain is your sperm

It would be just your luck if the recipient was infertile, am I right? That would be like giving an Xbox game to someone who doesn’t even have an Xbox! Egg on your face! Read the rest of this entry →

Sick to Death of “A Christmas Story”? Me too.

Every year it’s the same thing. “Christmas Story”. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”. Garfield and Charlie Brown. That annoying Tim Burton movie with the sucky puppets that goth nerds think is so great. It makes me want to puke my eggnog down the front of my festive holiday sweater.

Pissed because he’s the only one that wore an ugly sweater to the “ugly holiday sweater party”

Now I’m not saying that I dislike Christmas movies or anything, I’m just saying that it’s about time for something new. And so it pleases me greatly to present to you a list of twelve alternative holiday movies, some of which I’m sure you are already familiar with, some of which you may not be, and some of which aren’t technically Christmas movies at all, but do take place on or around Christmas. Enjoy!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Black Christmas

These girls are smart, they practice the Buddy System!

First off is a Holiday horror film in the vein of such classics as “Silent Night Deadly Night”. Black Christmas is a modern remake of an early slasher in which a deranged killer dresses like Santa and butchers a house full of sexy sorority girls during Christmas break. Of course, in typical 80’s slasher fashion, there are abundant shower and sex scenes that of course always end with naked fitness models splashing blood all over the goddamn place.

Read the rest of this entry →