Mongo Nation

Underage metal maniacs reincarnate the shred

By Jeremy Azevedo

“Black Tide” is a group of old school metal heads, most of which are still in school, as their ages range from as old as 19 to as young as 15. Despite their age, these kid shred like the swarthiest, beardiest, 40 year old Dio cover band you’ve ever seen.

This is because the band was grown in test tubes by Interscope scientists, using the combined DNA of a tour bus full of Iron Maiden fans that crashed in 1983. The genetic protoplasm that would eventually become Black Tide was continually exposed to the 2CD “Monsters of Rock” collection (as seen on TV!) every waking moment of their incubation process (and also in the sleeping moments, too).

Black Tide kickin’ it in Hell, being all like “whatever!”

Read the rest of this entry →

One of the year’s best audio sleeping aids

Ah, Ben Harper, one of about a dozen generic, interchangeable singer/songwriter types, beloved by housewives, hanky college chicks and dirty hippies everywhere. Did you know that he has a new album out? It’s called Lifeline, and like most of the music put out by he and his kind (Jack Johnson, John Mayer, et.), it’s about as original as the wheel and as soulful as a loaf of Wonderbread.

Ben Harper (in his Fat Elvis phase) disproving the existence of God by winning two Grammys

Has anyone ever seen that movie “Ghost World”, where Steve Buscemi is this hardcore blues record collector? He goes on this blind date with a chick that claims to love the blues, and they go to this bar to see what she claims is a great blues band. When the band, aptly named “Blues Hammer” comes on with their fake, manufactured neo-soul manbot bullshit, the look of horror on Steve Buscemi’s face is just priceless. If you actually like the blues, you will come to be well acquainted with this face after listening to Lifeline.

The first song on Lifeline, “Fight Outta You” is at least good for a laugh. It sounds like one of those annoying Randy Newman songs from Toy Story. It’s so corny. I slept through most of the middle of the album, and awoke to what I was certain was a Spin Doctors song. But alas, it was Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals lousing up the song “Say You Will”.

Nice hat, hippie. Did you score that at Burning Man this year?

If you are 40 and need something to play at your next wedding anniversary that is so devoid of controversy that it could not possibly offend the sensibilities of any of your guests, you will love this album. If you are a big fan of what Beavis & Butthead contemptibly refer to as “college music”, than you may wish to add this album to your arsenal of hipster albums that you name-drop when playing the “name an album no one else likes and only you get” game.

The rest of us can get all the bad poetry and amateur guitar playing at the local coffeehouse, thank you very much.