Mongo Nation

May we suggest some alternatives?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Fact: Buying stuff for your dad on Father’s Day can be a real pain in the ass. Dads only really like shit that you can’t afford, like big-ass TVs and barbeques that transform into robots and things like that. And who can blame them? But sadly, it isn’t as if we could borrow money from them to purchase their own damn present with. No, seriously, I’ve tried it. Totally doesn’t work.

As a result, most everything I’ve ever bought for my dad has ended up in the garage or underneath the stairs or something, unused and covered with dust. It’s a familiar story that I’m sure most of you retards out there have experienced… I mean, how was I supposed to know that my dad wouldn’t appreciate a complete set of autographed Chippendales playing cards? They’re collectors items! Anyway, to help you avoid making some of the mistakes that I’ve made in the past, I’ve compiled a list of “Dos and Don’ts” that may help you in your apathetic online search for lame, last minute Father’s Day gifts. Enjoy!

Boner pills

What is your dad gonna use these for? To bone your mom? That’s disgusting. Let your father’s sex life die with dignity, for chrissakes…

Try this instead: A prostitute. Your dad doesn’t need pills, he needs a professional.

A complete set of “Oprah Book Club” books from 1998

Not only is your dad illiterate, but even if he could read, he probably wouldn’t be caught dead thumbing through “Breath, Eyes, Memory”, “Midwives” or “Where the Heart Is” on his lunch break at the plus-sized women’s lingerie factory sweatshop. This is, of course, compounded by the fact that your every single mouthy broad that peeps him reading one won’t be able to resist the urge to spoil all of the endings for him.

Try this instead: “The Alphabet of Manliness”: An A-Z guide of things that men enjoy reading about on the crapper, from Ass-Kicking to Zombies. This book is totally old, but so is your dad so he won’t know the difference. Read the rest of this entry →

Like, so bad it could possibly get you arrested

By Creepy Office Guy

Another year, another crappy Secret Santa gift exchange. Believe me, I know that nothing is worse than trying to figure out what to buy for someone you barely know and definitely don’t like for under $20…

If you think I’m going to help you by telling you just what to get, forget it. I’ve got my own Secret Santa problems to deal with. What I will do, however, is share with you some of my knowledge as to what not to get your co-workers for the holidays, culled from many years of awkward and sometimes litigious experience.

Squirt gun
Filled with bourbon

Your co-workers may be alcoholics… And they may want nothing more than to put a gun in their mouth… But the last thing they need is a painful reminder of these things during the holidays.

Commemorative plate
Made of crack cocaine

It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Until you run out, and have to start turning tricks in the alley outside the transient hotel to get your hands on some more. Like Whitney Houston said, before shooting an 8-ball of cocaine into her eyeball in front of television cameras while simultaneously sniffing angel dust from a secret compartment in her shoe: “Crack is Whack!”

One of those fake vomit thingies from a joke shop
Except it’s real vomit and it’s from your stomach

I know what you’re thinking: Why settle for a cheap, disgusting gag when you can get a better response for free? Well… you got me there. Just make sure the box is lined with some kind of plastic or cellophane, otherwise it’ll leak and give away the joke!

Frozen vial of what you’re reasonably certain is your sperm

It would be just your luck if the recipient was infertile, am I right? That would be like giving an Xbox game to someone who doesn’t even have an Xbox! Egg on your face! Read the rest of this entry →

Gifts that will get you omitted from your mom’s will

By Jeremy Azevedo

Each year, a bunch of morons sharpen their Scooby Doo pencils and set to work writing all these lame articles about what to get your mother for Mother’s Day, and it’s always the same crap. Unless your mother hates you with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns, she’ll enjoy most anything that you give her all the same.

That having been said, there are a few select gift ideas that you should avoid at all costs, which I have gone to the trouble of outlining for you here. As long as you avoid the following gifts, you should be the apple of your mom’s creepy glass eye this Mother’s Day.

“Hi mom! You accidently locked me outside again!”

A Bail Bond

“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! I’M IN JAIL! Can you bail me out?”

This is the second worst thing that you could ever say to your mom, the first being this:

“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! Guess what? I married Lindsay Lohan in Vegas, converted to Scientology, dropped out of school, have AIDS, killed a US senator for Al Qaeda and never really liked your meatloaf! Happy Mother’s Day!”

A New Pet

A lovely creature in need of a good home or euthanasia.

Your mom doesn’t need another mangy ass pet to take care of for twenty years. Nothing says “Screw you, Mom!” like saddling her with another helpless living creature to stress her out every time she’s trying to go on a vacation, to piss/shit all over her carpet and burrow holes in her nice furntiture.

Read the rest of this entry →