Mongo Nation

If she’s gonna stuff, she may as well do it with booze

By Jeremy Azevedo

The WineRack by Firebox is one of those things that you just can’t believe hasn’t already been around for years. The idea is simple, but genius: Take every woman’s insecurity about her breast size, combine it with her alcoholism, add a dash of conspicuous consumption and BOOM! You have hottest product on sorority row.

The WineRack is essentially a bra that you can fill with up to 750 ml of booze. An adjustable drinking tube extends out from your lady-friend’s shirt. (Or your own, who am I to judge?) The only downside would be that someone would almost certainly notice that the pair of enormous jumblies over in the corner of the bar rapidly deflating before their very eyes. Luckily, commenting on this phenomenon would generally be considered quite rude. Chances are high that they would just keep that one to themselves, leaving you in the clear to stealthily suck away at the teat of inebriated glory.

Check it out, the WineRack turned that long haired man into a hot babe!

As soon as you’re done flogging yourself for not thinking about this first, you should go to Firebox.com and pre-order one for yourself, as they are probably sold out. No longer will ladies have to stuff their bra with those useless gel pads! No longer will they have to wear those strap-on beer belly booze packs and pretend that they are pregnant to avoid those astronomical drink prices at the club! Public breast-feeding for adults just got ten times cooler!

Cocktails for the discerning Boozehound.

Are you disgusted by sugary, girly cocktails that make you feel like you’re gonna shit your ass, but you’re tired of ordering the same damn Jack and Coke every time you go out to a bar? Are you looking for a drink that will make you look like a cool, adventurous and knowledgeable alcoholic? CraveOnline has got five quick-fire recipes to please the macho lumberjack’s thirst deep inside even the hairiest liver.

Here’s a drink that was popular back in the 60s with Hollywood types, back before all the actors were homosexual scientologist vegans. Now your kidneys can feel like they were there, even if you weren’t born until the 80s.

1 ½ shots of Scotch
½ shot of Drambuie

Directions: Pour the Scotch in a glass over ice, float the Drambuie on top.

This drink is appropriately named, as it will surely put your dick in the dirt. To counteract this side effect, add one crushed dose of Enzyte to your last cocktail of the evening.

2 shots of Scotch
¾ shot of Dry Vermouth
1 tsp Bitters

Directions: Shake with ice, pour unstrained.

This one will put hair on your balls, even if you’re a woman. It’s that hardcore.

1 ½ shots of Vodka
2 oz Tomato Juice
2 oz Beef Bouillon

Directions: Pour over ice, stir, squeeze in a few drops of lemon, or if you’re really badass, a few drops of whatever wrings out of the bar rag.

#4 – THE GORILLA

The Gorilla is a popular drink for heavy metal band roadies, biker gangs, and computer dorks that get cocktail recipes from the interweb.

1 shot Bacardi 151
1 shot Jagermeister

Directions: Stir in glass with ice.

Here’s a great one for all you manbots out there to impress your pledge brothers at your next frat boy picnic/date-rape crime scene.

1 ½ shot Vodka
As much cold beer as will fill up the glass
2 dashes of Tabasco

Directions: Pour beer over the vodka in a glass with no ice, add Tabasco.

See you in the drunk tank at County!

Because nothing goes together like liquids and sensitive electronics!