Mongo Nation

Another totally alpha review by your main bro, BuckCherryFan420

By BuckCherryFan420

Hey dudes! It’s your bro BuckCherryFan420! Those fags at CraveOnline hired me to do a review of this new Creed album. Fuckin’ A! Creed’s that old-ass band where the lead singer made a sex tape with MY NIGGA Kid Rock (big ups!). You know, the Jesus Guy.

I saw that video! It’s fucking alpha bro! Those dudes are like T.F.ing these big titty sluts and the Jesus Guy is all like “It’s good to be the king” or some shit. Fuck yeah it is, bro! And the chick is all like, “Mwagh mubba mraghgra!” Because her mouth is like, full of cock, right! HAHAHA! If I had a dollar for every time some bitch said “Mwagh mubba mraghgra” to me I’d be like a billionaire or some shit. It’s too bad that being ALPHA in real life doesn’t make you, like, good at music and stuff.

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Creed the band is pretty crushing, and Jesus Guy sound pretty tough and shit, like his voice or whatever. But all their songs are like these wussy ballads. It’s BULLSHIT! If you’re gonna fucking rock in real life, punching people out and making sex videos and shit, why doesn’t the music, like, reflect that and shit. It’s a fucking waste bro. It makes me sick listening to all this faggy bullshit and thinking about how totally bitchen’ this shit could be if homedude would just SACK THE FUCK UP! WHOOO! I should be the fuckin’ singer of this band dude. They’d be all like crushing and shit and I’d be the one making a sex tape with Kid Rock. Wait, that sounded gay. Not like, with him, with him, bro. Don’t fuckin’ get it twisted just because you’re all a bunch of homos. I’M ALL MAN, BRO! Fuck you!

I don’t want to talk about this Creed shit anymore. They get a score of like, 5 out of 10 Buckcherrys for this “Full Circle” bullcrap and that’s fuckin’ it, for them, bro.

Now let’s take a look at this motherfuckin’ Saw VI soundtrack. I love those fuckin’ movies bro! WHOOO! In case you’re like a pussy that doesn’t watch scary movies because you’re too scared and like, shit your pants all the time and probably have a vagina, Saw is like this movie about people that get killed by having their faces ripped off or like sawing their own dick off and shit like that. It’s fuckin’ crazy, bro. This album is just like the movie! It’s like, SUPER fuckin’ brutal. But then there’s like these moments that make you think and stuff in there too. Not too many though: If I sat around thinking all the time, I wouldn’t have arms like nuclear fuckin’ bombs dude! Maybe you bitches should try thinking less and working out more, so you could be more alpha like me! But then, WHOSE GIRLFRIEND WOULD I DATE RAPE AT THE CLUB BRO? HAHAHA! Someone needs to be the pussy so that I have someone to take my steroid rage out on and shit. FUCKIN’ A! That person is you, pencil dick!

It doesn’t work this way in real life, brosef.

This is the most metal soundtrack since, like, ever bro! Hatebreed, Suicide Silence, Chimaira… These are all bands that I’ve never heard of! But holy fuck are they hella BRUTAL or what?! Damn son, I am getting so pumped up listening to this shit bro. I wanna saw my own dick off! WHOOO! HAHAHA Just kidding dudes, I would never fucking EVER do that. Too many ladies would be hella sad about that shit brosefinas. And you know how I love to please the ladies! WHOOO! BUCKCHERRY FOR LIFE!

This SAW VI soundtrack is hella tight bro. None of these bands have cool style like Buckcherry and I can’t really tell what the fuck they’re talking about half the time. They sound like barking dogs and shit… Sorta like DMX or Lil’ Jon if they were like, white dudes or whatever. But at least they know how to shred and sound all hard and shit so that’s pretty cool. There’s even, like, this one band that’s all like hot metal chicks. They’re called “Kittie” or some shit like that. That’s fuckin’ HAWT bro! Know what I’m saying? I’d like to tame that fuckin’ kittie, broham. (I’m talking about their pussies, dude! Yeah!) I’d probably even let them listen to their shitty girl metal while I WRECK THAT SHIT too! ALPHA TO THE MAXXX! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Saw VI Soundtrack is like 8 out of 10 Buckcherrys, brohams.

-1 for not actually having Buckcherry on it for some reason.
+1 for having a picture of this hot bitch in like a dress made out of needles and shit on the inside. Fucking ALPHA bro! I’d hit that! WHOOO!

Has Green Lantern gone all “Hollywood”?

While fishing for mudsharks out on the Jersey shore, our freelance reporter Pete Pelmo discovered a Blackberry phone nestled in the sand next to an empty Zima bottle, a well-worn copy of “Fish Humper Monthly” and an expired JLA membership card. Obviously, we surmised that the phone could belong to none other than everyone’s second favorite (after Namor, of course) undersea superhero, Aquaman!

Our scientists (ok, the janitor and myself) have been hard at work unlocking the mysteries of just how in the hell Aquaman gets service on a phone that isn’t even waterproof in the first place. In doing so, we uncovered a very interesting AIM conversation between Aquaman and Green Lantern on there, which we have faithfully presented for you here in it’s entirety!

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Now we know why the newly rich are always such douchebags…

By Jeremy Azevedo

Have you ever looked at newly rich people and wondered why they all seem to have the same style of clothing, the same cars, eat at the same places, etc? No matter what profesional field they made their fortune in, they all appear to have been mass-produced in a secret Illuminati science lab or something…

Well, we’ve discovered that, while that would have been awesome, it’s actually far from the truth. In reality, the nouveau riche are actually conforming to a strict set of guidelines that one is presented with upon the deposit of their first million dollars with any of the major world banks! Now I know what you’re probably thinking: “How would you know? You guys probably make, what, 8 bucks an hour to sit around, scratching your asses and writing your stupid articles all day?” To which we would reply, “While that may be true, we know because we intercepted THIS DOCUMENT on the way to the desk of one of our venture capitalist funding partners…

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A Helpful Guide, Bro.

By BuckCherryFan420

Dude, so like, people are always coming up to me and saying, BuckCherryFan420, how can I RAWK like you, bro? And I’m like, keep dreamin’, DOUCHEBAG, cause’ that ‘aint never gonna happen, you know what I’m saying?

But then I got to thinking, bro, that maybe I could help you f**king dorks be at least half as ALPHA as I am by telling you some of the cool things I do that f**king RAWK, you know what I’m saying?

Also, these dorks, like, paid me to do it so now I sorta have to. Gotta stack cheddar for the Range, bro! You know what I’m saying? F**kin’ A!

Ok, the first thing you gotta do to RAWK like I do is make sure that your gear is right. You gotta put away the f**kin’ sweater vests and shit and get yourself some Affliction t-shirts and fitted caps, bro. Famous Stars and Straps are hella tight. Any Christian Audiger shit or stuff that says Hollywood or has strippers on it and shit is cool too. F**king ALPHA. Make sure you have some new dunks or Jordans on, bro, none of that pussy Converse stuff.

If you’re hella cool and alpha like I am, don’t be afraid to wear leather pants. They make your balls smell like a whore but they look SO F**KING ALPHA that bitches will be like, trying to rip them off you all the time and shit. So if you do wear them, you should probably know how to sew, dude. On account of all the ripping, I mean.

Next you gotta make sure that you’re listening to the right music. Of course, Buckcherry is the most alpha band of them all, that goes without saying. If you don’t agree, you may as well stop reading right now because you’re never gonna RAWK with that attitude, bro. Also I’ll kick your f**kin’ ass so get your shit together and start liking Buckcherry right f**king now, bro! I’m getting hella pissed at you right now… I’m gonna go pump some iron and blow off some steam before I jump right through your screen and choke your f**kin’ neck, you f**kin’ dork.

…

Ok, I’m back. Sorry about that, dude, I just get so f**king PISSED when people don’t understand how ALPHA Buckcherry are. WHOO! It’s, like, retarded bro. There’s other bands that are cool too though. Hinder is pretty sweet, Motley Crue, Saliva, shit like that. Guns and Roses have that one song, “Paradise City” that I like to sing at karaoke and shit. I don’t even care if there other people have already sung that shit, like, 30 times before me bro, I just can’t get enough of it. Just don’t let me catch you listening to any of that lame f**kin’ indie shit, bro. That stuff is for pencil-neck dweebs and college boys, not alpha dogs like you and me. Read the rest of this entry →

10 Famous People We’ve Had Just About Enough Of.

Here at CraveOnline we interact daily with pop culture as a whole. In doing so, we see a lot of the same annoying celebrities doing the same annoying things, day in and day out. And we’re not just talking about the Spears and the Lohans and all that housewife gossip stuff either. You can read about them at the checkout line of the supermarket. We’re talking about celebrities that really have it coming, and that we feel are not getting their fair share of smarmy criticism. So without further ado, we present for your enjoyment our list of the top 10 biggest celebrity douchebags:

#10 – Sarah Silverman

The real reason Sarah Silverman is even on TV in the first place.

Sarah Silverman is one of those comedians that everybody claims to like because she is so “edgy” and her material is so “controversial”. In reality, Sarah Silverman is neither, unless Paris Hilton and Britney Spears jokes are what you consider edgy. When Sarah performed at the VMAs this year, it was perhaps the most awkwardly silent crowd ever seen at an award show. And it wasn’t because they were shocked or offended, but simply because it just wasn’t funny. Have you seen her movie, “Jesus is Magic”? Of course you haven’t, but if you did, you’d know it fails to produce even a single chuckle. Silverman couldn’t even last a single season on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the least funny show on television. Every time I see the previews for her new show on Comedy Central, I want to throw a bottle at my TV set.

#9 – Matthew McConagay

Time to stop hanging out with Woody Harrelson so much, buddy.

It’s time you put a shirt on, buddy. Not everyone has time to work out 37 times a day. I’m sick to death of this guy making me look bad at the beach, and then compounding my dislike of him but continually signing up for at least two horribly unwatchable romantic formula comedies every goddamn year. And lose the hick drawl for chrissakes, you’ve been living in L.A. for like 100 years already. No one’s buying it.

#8 – Timbaland/Timberlake

Timbaland: “C’mon just one more squeeze?” Timberlake: “No, silly, I’m all sore from dancing!”

Since when did it become cool to like anyone that’s ever been in a boyband? Furthermore, since when was it ever okay to make gay disco records with an insufferable Mangina and call it “hip hop”? These two douches form up like Voltron to create an unstoppable juggernaut of douchbaggery that’s invading every form of entertainment that we know of. Seriously, I can’t go anywhere without seeing or hearing something about these two jerkoffs. I wish Lou Pearlman would’ve raped and killed Timberlake like he did all those other boy band sissies that have gone missing over the years. Maybe then Timbaland would’ve faded blissfully into obscurity like Magoo. One can dream…

#7 – Mystery, “The Pick-Up Artist”

Yep. That right there’s a guy that really knows how to pick up chicks. Apparently.

Not only is this guy a magician, which automatically makes him a douche… not only does he star in an annoying reality show, which is just cause for hatred… not only does he wear giant fuzzy hats and goggles IN PUBLIC no less… but most offensively, he purports himself to be a master pick-up artist despite all evidence to the contrary. And he calls himself “Mystery”. This guy is practically the blueprint model for douchebaggery. Seriously, if women actually have agreed to have sex with a guy like this, they ought to have their vaginas welded shut.

#6 – Tyra Banks

I have come to consume mass quantities of underage model blood. Nanoo nanoo…

I liked Tyra Banks better back when she wasn’t saying shit. Now all of the sudden she’s the new Oprah. Personally, I am of the opinion that one Oprah was already one too many. Tyra Banks has two shows on TV in which she dispenses bad advice to desperate girls and woman despite being crazier than a shithouse rat. And what’s with that fivehead she’s sporting? She looks like a black conehead. Please, for the love of god, would someone ship her back home to Remulak?

#5 – Anybody That Has Anything To Do With American Idol

If this image doesn’t make you throw up in your mouth a little, then you are a communist.

That includes people who watch it. American Idol is basically a bad karaoke show that conjures up the spirit of “Star Search”, minus any possibility of being entertained. This is a show that has forced upon us Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell, Sanjaya and the reanimated corpse of Paula Abdul. It is single handedly responsible for making our entire nation stupider, and may even be responsible for the collapse of the music industry as a whole.

#4 – Posh Spice/David Beckham

Some soccer hippie out for a stroll with the 700 year old mummy of a former Spice Girl.

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. Who in the hell ever told these two douches that they could strut around Los Angeles like they were somebody important? One is a washed up, dried out Spice Girl with the worst bolt-on tits I’ve ever seen, and the other is a soccer player. Is there even one legal resident of this country that gives a crap about soccer? I didn’t think so.

#3 – Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller whacked out on coke with his pal Owen “Emo” Wilson.

I am at the absolute limit of my tolerance for Ben Stiller. I would rather eat a sackful of empty beer bottles than watch another one of his movies. I would rather clean the floor of Skid Row with my tongue. I would rather spend an entire workweek with a handful of razor blades down my pants than ever see even so much as a rudimentary drawing of his mugging, monkey face, ever again. That’s how much I hate Ben Stiller.

#2 – Kanye West

FYI: Mike Meyers is also a douche.

I went out of my way to make sure Kanye was not # 1 on this list, because it makes me laugh when he throws his little tantrums. Kanye is one of those guys that somehow manages to sell lots of records without writing any good songs. As a rapper, he’s marginal at best. As a political activist, he’s living satire material. Kanye likes to kiss ass at MTV and then bitch about MTV, all the while claiming that everyone on the face of the earth is racist and trying to keep Kanye down. Like when MTV played his video like 5,000 times in one week. Maybe they should’ve played it 6,000 times? Kanye is possessed of an over-inflated sense of his artistic value, and is a crybaby who pulls the race card every chance he gets. I hope he really does start beef with 50 Cent, because that dude will probably do us all a favor and smoke his whiny ass.

#1 – Dane Cook

Hey Dane, why don’t you make this your new MySpace profile pick, ya douche?

Dane Cook is probably the best reason not to equate MySpace stardom with actual stardom. He is perhaps best known as a “comedian” that steals jokes from other comedians, then goes out of his way to make them unfunny. Dane Cook’s greatest artistic contribution so far has been to introduce a new way to flip people off to his fellow frat boy douchebags that constitute his fan base. Despite the fact that not one of his movies has been successful, he continues to star in highly publicized flops. Dane Cook’s cockiness and general visibility paired with his alarming lack of talent earn him the top spot in our list of annoying celebrity douchebags.