Mongo Nation

In a recent interview, it became apparent that not one of the goddamn actors in the new “Death Race” remake has even bothered to see the original film that they’re being paid millions of dollars to rape the memory of. Hardly unbelievable in an age in which people will actually pay good money to see “Disaster Movie” in theaters, but still shocking in it’s offensive disregard for the original movie’s origins.

It’s truly remarkable how carelessly hack filmmakers like Paul W.S. Anderson can take an established cult classic like Death Race 2000, strip it of it’s humor, color and satire, populate it with hammy dipshit actors, blow up some old cars, put up with a few shitty articles like this one, shrug it off and laugh all the way to the bank. I keep trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt because I genuinely liked both “Soldier” and “Event Horizon”, but Jesus man, this is just too much. The guy is completely missing the point as to what was good about Death Race 2000, like a frat bro who thinks South Park is funny because of all the swearing. It isn’t about what they are saying, it’s about why they are saying it.

Anyway, just in case anyone doesn’t believe me that Jason Statham and all his little friends never even bothered to do the hour and a half of research required to have even a passing knowledge of what they were “acting” in, I’ve edited a little clip of it which you can watch here:

As an added bonus, I’ve uploaded the original trailer to the totally rad 1975 Death Race 2000 here so you can see how much better it is:

Kicking a dead horse as an art form in 2008

By Jeremy Azevedo

More remakes? If this is the best stuff they could come up with prior to the writer’s strike, I don’t see what the writers could possibly hope to gain by continuing the charade that they are capable of doing something that some nameless hack couldn’t do equally as well. A cursory glance at the movie lineup for 2008 is essentially a laundry list of sequels, retreads and recycled TV shows.

Perhaps the most disturbing trend, however, has got to be the alarming number of long dead franchises being dug up and dragged into the light by greedy producers looking for a sure thing. Case in point: Rocky and Rambo come back after 10-15 years in the grave and do pretty well. Instead of calling it a day and fondly remembering the series that thrilled us in our youth with a perfectly good send off, the studio has to go ahead and green light yet another sequel to both films. All of the bitter-sweet finality and closure those movies provided will certainly be raped on film in order to make a quick buck.

Machine gun: Check. Knife: Check. Depends undergarments: Check.

It doesn’t stop there, either. Other deceased franchises being defiled this year are a reportedly Robert Englund-free “Nightmare on Elm Street” (despite an earlier failed relaunch with 1994’s “Wes Craven’s A New Nightmare”), “Star Trek”, “The X-Files”, “Indiana Jones”, “Sex and the City”, “Night of the Living Dead”, “Friday the 13th” and even 1941’s “Wolfman”. Yes, someone out there actually thinks it’s time to start bringing back 70 year old Universal monsters. “Creature From the Black Lagoon”, anyone? Even the long rumored “Mad Max” relaunch is expected to begin production any day now.
Apparently, no horse is too dead to beat some more. If you’re tired of watching the same movies you watched as a kid only re-shot with all the actors aged 20 years and shot up with a king’s ransom worth of HGH, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. Your only other options really are unnecessary sequels to movies like “The Mummy” (why?) and “Harold and Kumar”, or remakes of perfectly good old movies that will probably suck. Have we learned nothing from the trash that was “War of the Worlds” or “I Am Legend”?

“The Day No One Watched a Remake of a Kinda Dumb Old Movie”

Check out this list of remakes coming soon to a theater near you: “Death Race 2000”, “Journey to the Center of the Earth”, “A Christmas Carol” (with Jim Carrey again, barf), and “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. And that’s not even taking into account remakes of TV shows, such as “Get Smart”, “Land of the Lost” and “G.I. Joe” (which I’m actually secretly excited about no matter what). Even comic book movie stinkers “The Punisher” and “The Incredible Hulk” are being remade for a second chance at life.

What was once old is now new, right guys?

If the whiny, striking writers think they deserve some special treatment for re-writing someone else’s work for the theaters and inflicting an endless parade of scripted reality shows upon us via television, I say they can suck it. It’s time for them to shut the f**k up and start figuring out how they’re going to actually earn the support and respect of the public by actually producing something new for a change. But until that happens, don’t be surprised if your local theater marquee looks like the program listing for “Nick at Night”.

The 10 best cult movies ever made.

Summer blockbusters are great and everything, but now that the summers over, looking back, how many of those summer movies would you actually watch again, in the comfort of your own home? If you’re like me, the answer is next to none. For me, there’s nothing quite like a good cult movie in those empty months between holidays when there’s nothing in the theater… one of those truly strange movies that you can watch again and again, but no matter how many times you watch it, you still can’t believe what you’re seeing.

Ten points if you can guess whether that’s a weird chick or a weird dude in this here photo.

Since it can be hard to find the diamonds in the rough at times, so we went to the trouble of compiling a list of the ten best cult movies for you to check out:
#10 The Stuff

Some kid in a bizarre Jello Pudding accident.

In a sort of bastardized commentary on American consumer culture, everybody goes wild for a new food product called “The Stuff”. What they do know is that it is delicious and nutritious. You can eat as much of The Stuff as you want without having to worry about your weight. What they don’t know is that The Stuff is actually an alien substance being marketed for it’s highly addictive properties that will eventually take over the host body like a parasite, turning the user into a zombie!

B-Movie clichés: Exploding guts, pod people, paranoid kid, plucky detective, kung-fu brothers, psychopathic Vietnam vet, zombies.

WTF quote: The Stuff: Are you eating it or is it eating you?

#9 Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD

I’m so being that for Halloween. You better not copy me, I’m serious.

Troma is one of the most prolific manufacturers of awesomely bad cult movies, from such classics as the “Toxic Avenger” to “Class of Nuke ‘Em High”. But my personal favorite has always been the legendary cop-action film, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD. This film recounts the story of a loser detective that receives the powers of a dying kabuki master, and who must use said powers to fight the forces of evil and score babes. The Vapors’ song “Turning Japanese” was made for this movie. (Figuratively, not actually).

B-Movie clichés: Racial insensitivity, tits, plucky detective, sexy sidekick, evil adversary, exploding cars, climactic showdown.

WTF quote: Sgt. Kabukiman: I like a dog-faced monkey that has an appreciation for expensive sports cars.

#8 Meet the Feebles

Yep. We’ve all been there once or twice, am I right?

Peter Jackson is perhaps best known for the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But few are aware that, years prior to his rise to fame on the backs of hobbits, he was into Muppets. Meet the Feebles is like a sick, twisted version of the Muppet movie, in which the puppets come off stage and engage in all manner of nasty behaviors, from shooting porno and panty-sniffing, to bulimia, drugs, and murder. It’s even somewhat of a musical, and features an all puppet cast. Meet the Feebles is unlike anything you have ever or will ever see, and will probably give you nightmares.

B-Movie clichés: Puppets, drugs, racial insensitivity, tits, psychopathic Vietnam vet, gangsters, sodomy.

WTF quote: Bletch: Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?
Trevor: Sure, boss. It’s the next big fad.

#7 Crippled Masters

Crippled Masters: The most bitchenest (only) amputee karate movie ever captured on film.

Not only is the Crippled Masters an awesome, old school kung-fu movie, but it’s also an awesome freak show as well. In it, a dude with no legs and a dude with no arms join like Voltron to make one bad ass-kicking machine. The two are tasked with locating the “Eight Jade Horses”, which hold the secret to defeating Lin Chang Cao (an evil hunchbacked criminal mastermind responsible for their disfigurement), thusly getting their due revenge.

B-Movie clichés: Training montage, evil adversary, everybody knows karate, freaks, wise old dude, climactic showdown.

WTF moment: A guy with no arms eats a chicken leg with his feet.

#6 Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Looks like the bastard child of Rosie O’Donell and Krusty the Clown.

In this Klassic horror flick, aliens that look like clowns invade a small town and begin feasting on the population. Of course, the town’s dumbshit residents don’t think there’s anything weird about freaky-ass clowns and space-age circus tents inexplicably showing up, which adds to the hilarity. People get melted by napalm pies, eaten by killer popcorn, stuck in balloons, cocooned in cotton candy, and have the blood sucked out of them through crazy straws. This movie may be partly responsible for the existence of the Insane Clown Posse, but if you can find it in your heart to look past that unforgivable crime, you’ve got yourself a genuine horror classic.

B-Movie clichés: Exploding guts, plucky detective, sexy sidekick, nerds, horny teens, space monsters, climactic showdown.

WTF quote: Curtis Mooney: They took your wife away in a balloon? Well you don’t need the police, pal, you need a psychiatrist!

#5 Troll 2 (Nilbog)

Nilbog: keeping put of work midget actors in the union since 1983.

Inexplicably there are not actually any trolls in this film. They’re goblins actually. While on vacation in Nilbog (which is goblin spelled backward, actually), a family is besieged by goblins disguised as humans that aim to convert the visitors by tricking them into ingesting their tainted Nilbog food. What would possess someone to eat green slime in barely recognizable food shapes, I cannot even begin to guess, but they do. It’s up to some nosy kid and his dead grandpa’s ghost to thwart their evil plans and save the day. This movie is bat-shit crazy all the way. In one of the best scenes, a chick comes out of this dude’s TV and tries to seduce him into eating Nilbog corn. When he refuses, she comes into his trailer and turns the corn into popcorn by eating it sexily and effectively drowning his ass in it. And then there’s the scene in which a group of adults are holding a little boy down and trying to force him to eat a green hamburger, and absolutely no one thinks that it’s weird.

B-Movie clichés: Paranoid kid, pod people, midgets, wise old dude, exploding guts, horny teens.

WTF quote: Joshua: Grandpa! Are you really in Hell?
Seth: No! But I know a trick that a friend of mine who went there taught me!

#4 UHF

Weird Al: Dreamy teen sex symbol of the year, every year.

This movie is so funny, I just don’t understand why it’s the only movie Weird Al Yankovick ever made. Even if you don’t like his music, it doesn’t matter in the slightest. UHF is about an oddball loser whose uncle wins the deed to a shitty UHF cable station in a poker game. The same loser then goes on to become the most successful station in America, with shows like “Druids on Parade”, “Wheel of Fish”, “Underwater Bingo for Teens” and “Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse”. Michael Richards as Stanley Spadowski gives a particularly compelling performance as a half retarded janitor/children’s show host. There are so many funny scenes, TV show vignettes, faux commercials and bits of dialogue in this movie that I almost don’t know where to begin. Just watch it, it’s funnier than a deaf one-legged rapper on an ice skate.

B-Movie clichés: Bizarre humor, evil adversary, midgets, Weird Al, climactic showdown, embarrassing appearkiller klowns
ances by now famous celebrities.

WTF quote: Teri: Hello, stranger.
George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Teri: Whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman: Well, I guess my first clue was when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

#3 They Live

Stevie Wonder accidentally kicking the crap out of some dude with a luxurious mullet.

Are you familiar with the “Obey” clothing line? Its whole philosophy is basically lifted from this movie, in which aliens control our minds thorough subliminal messaging. Only with the help of magic sunglasses can our hero, played by the magnificent “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, see through their clever ruse and identify who is really human and who is an alien in disguise. It’s worth it to watch this whole movie just to see Rowdy and that other dude, Frank, fight each other old school WWF style (for 20 odd minutes) in an alleyway because Frank refuses to put on the magic sunglasses. They bodyslam each other and hit one another with trash cans and everything! It’s so bitchen’.

B-Movie clichés: Wrestlers-turned-actors, pod people, homeless heroes, space monsters, climactic showdown.

WTF quote: Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.

#2 The Warriors

Just because the Warriors do it doesn’t mean it’s not gay to wear a leather vest with no shirt.

The Warriors is one of those classic cult movies that, despite being totally implausible, is so atmospheric that you sort of don’t think about it. The basic premise is that the Jesus of NY gang members tries to have all the gangs in the city meet to discuss a broad unification, but someone wastes him and the Warriors get blamed for it. The Warriors are then forced to fight there way back to their home-turf on Coney Island before one of the other gangs wastes them too. The other gangs are what really make this movie great. There’s a baseball gang, a roller skate gang, an all girl gang, a gang of kung-fu brothers, an orphan gang… It sounds hilarious but somehow the cinematography and direction make it seem serious, and amazing feat, all things considered.

B-Movie clichés: Everybody knows karate, implied rape, gangsters, kung-fu brothers, evil adversary, climactic showdown.

WTF quote: Luther: (clicking beer bottles together) Waaaarrrrrriiiorsss, come out to plaaaa-eeeee-aaaay!

#1 Death Race 2000

Death Race 2000: Yet another depiction of a sordid apocalyptic future that happened 7 years ago, I guess.

Death Race 2000 is the most totally rad movie ever made. It’s set in the future (which looks a lot like the 70’s), and it’s about a trans-Atlantic road race in which the drivers are awarded points not only for finishing first, but for committing acts of vehicular manslaughter along the way as well. David Carradine stars as “Frankenstein”, and Sylvester Stallone has a pretty sizeable role as well as “Machine Gun Joe Viterbo”. There’s enough gratuitous sex and violence in this film to satisfy the hungriest of bloodlusts, but presented in a slightly comedic, fantasy skewed manner that can only be achieved through the magic of low budget filmmaking. There’s nothing quite like seeing a car that looks like a dinosaur swerve to run over babies and old people as Stallone fires a car-mounted machine gun at a Nazi supermodel. I hope that Hollywood doesn’t ruin this film by remaking Death Race. Death Race 2000 is like a once-in-a-lifetime, perfect alignment of cult movie elements that can never be repeated, replaced or reheated.

B-Movie clichés: Vehicular manslaughter, misunderstood monsters, implied rape, exploding cars, bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, evil adversary, tits, the future, exploding guts, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities.

WTF quote: Cleopatra: It isn’t my fault everyone scored before us. You should have gone after that Boy Scout camp like I told you!
Nero the Hero: I tried the goddamn Boy Scout camp. You know how fast those Boy Scouts move?
Cleopatra: Now here’s something more your speed.
Nero the Hero: That’ll be at least 200 points!
Cleopatra: If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother!