Mongo Nation

Speaking of sex scandals…

Did anybody see those naked pics of High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on the interwebs this year? You did? Well you better not have fapped to them, you sick creeps, because she was probably not of age when the pics were taken. In an obvious sign of the coming apocalypse, Disney did not crucify Hudgens as it would have done to any of it’s singing muppets of yesteryear, but rather, resigned her to an even more lucrative new contract. This obviously sends a message to young girls that you can fuck your way to the top no matter who you are. Fathers, lock up your daughters, there’s a lot of dogs out there!

Young Disney star gets an early start at being a little tramp.

Speaking of dogs…

Michael Vick and the dogfighting scandal:

Vick and some friends enjoying a sporting contest of some kind.

Apparently it’s not thrilling enough to make millions of dollars to put on tights and throw a football at another guy wearing tights these days. Today’s athletes will settle for nothing less than the visceral thrill of live action Pokeman! Unfortunately for Michael Vick, facilitating the abuse and murder of hundreds, maybe even thousands of dogs for his gambling enjoyment landed his ass out of a job and into the slammer. Wah waaaaah!

Haha, do they really still have stripey jail uniforms like that?

Speaking of legally embattled former football stars…

Sigh. Oh, OJ, it’s a never ending battle isn’t it? I’m not sure if OJ really did it, but if he did, here’s how he done it: OJ and a cadre of masked gunman burst in on some asshole sports memorabilia collector, guns a’ blazing, and rob him of some merch that supposedly rightfully belongs to “The Juice”. As if he wouldn’t get caught. OJ Simpson, the same OJ that’s been in the news ever since he got away with killing his wife like 100 years ago. I guess having your wages garnished by the families of the people you cut up like Thanksgiving turkeys can really put a lot of stress on a guy and cause some irrational behavior. Jaysus.

OJ doing his best “whoops I did it again” face, made famous by various 80s sitcoms.

Speaking of irrational behavior…

Britney Spears, bald, wielding an umbrella:

No caption needed.

I know we’re all tired of hearing/talking about Britney Spears, but that doesn’t change the fact that bald Britney Spears whacking the shit out of some paparazzo’s SUV with a green umbrella was the funniest shit that happened all year. I mean, seeing her fat ass get laughed at by everybody as she wobbled through her performance at the VMAs this year was pretty lulzy too, but nothing says “meltdown” like shaving your head, dressing up like a UFO cult theologian and brandishing an umbrella like fucking Excalibur. Spears is like the new Michael Jackson of crazy, and I think everybody (except that twink from Youtube) would agree that if nothing else, she’s at least good for a chuckle every now and again.

Ditto.

Speaking of fat, blond train wrecks…

Even her coffin is pink and tacky. Brought to you be Trimspa!

Everyone and their mother was claiming to be the semen donor responsible for the baby that would inherit the billion of dollars Anna Nicole Smith gained from jumping on that 100 year old man’s bone until he turned to dust. As it turned out, the lucky man was Larry Birkhead, famous for piping Anna Nicole Smith and being an extra in a sketch on an episode of MADtv that was probably never even aired.

Yay! I won a baby made of money!

This came as shocking news to shady lawyer Howard K. Stern, who was sure that he was the father due to the fact that Birkhead is clearly gay. Either way, remember the name “Birkhead”, because it’s sure to be associated with scores of unreasonably wealthy and useless human beings that force their way into the American consciousness for generations to come! Yay!

Paris sporting some thugged out jail tats.

How great was it when the Sheriffs Department let Paris Hilton out of jail, only to have Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer toss her ass right back in the slammer? It was a minor victory for a public exposed to this walking, drug fueled dick puppet for far too long.

Selections from Nicole Richie’s extensive mug shot collection.

Of course, Paris’ mini-me Nicole Richie had to follow in her cocaine laced footsteps and land her ass in the big house too, by driving the wrong way on the Ventura freeway. I’m taking odds right now that Ritchie’s baby comes out mongo, as there is no possible way that a 75lb. drug addict could make it a full nine months without going on a bender even once. Any takers?

Either a 12 year old crack addicted transvestite or Amy Winehouse, not sure which.

If someone were to bet you one hundred dollars that Amy Winehouse survives 2008, you’d be a fool not to take that bet. I’d even be surprised if she makes it past Christmas, and especially New Years. In a defining moment in the world of Celebrity irony, Amy Winehouse bursts onto the scene with her smash hit single, “Rehab”, which is about her refusal to go there. A month or two later, she checks into a hospital for “Exhaustion”. Come on people, you can see her needle bruises, bloody nose, meth teeth, crack addled eyes… If she doesn’t kill herself with drugs, her wife-beating husband, whose name I don’t know because I don’t see why I should give a shit, will do the job for her. Start writing your humorous eulogy now, so you can be the first one to be callously, morbidly hilarious on the message boards when she kicks the bucket any day now!

Totally doesn’t sniff blow.

Speaking of rehab…

Lindsay Lohan’s high-speed chase:

Lohan, coming down off of a bender/crime rampage/sex orgy/extreme shopping trip.

Speaking of rehab… How funny was it when Lindsay Lohan chased down her assistant in an SUV, coked out of her mind, because the assistant wanted to quit? Even better, the car wasn’t even hers, it belonged to three losers who claim that she essentially carjacked them. Best of all, for the second consecutive time, she tried to claim that the cocaine wasn’t hers. And then to top it all off was quoted as saying “I wasn’t driving, the black kid was”. In and out of rehab, off and on film shoots whenever the mood strikes, and getting laid more than Wilt Chamberlain back in the day, Lohan is officially the most gangster celebrity of the year And the most likely to get busted for our amusement yet again in the coming year.

Lohan’s hot ass rocking the house arrest bracelet with style.

Speaking of getting busted for bad behavior…

The reanimated corpse of Don Imus bad-mouthing women’s basketball to all 23 of his listeners.

It boggles the mind how the original “shock jock”, a radio personality that has paved the way for every ignorant asshole on the radio ever since, Don Imus, could be brought to justice by collegiate women’s basketball. Like anyone gives a shit. Women can’t even slam-dunk! I don’t know why they even bother. But I guess the real reason why they were upset was that they felt the term “nappy headed hos” was a bit racist. Which it is, but of all the things to bust the guy for, or any of his kind, that was a bit of a stretch. I’m sure that he has said much worse than that on many an occasion. Of course Imus apologized profusely, despite the fact that nobody cared except Al Sharpton, but he was fired anyway. Of course this won’t stop the 140-year-old Methuselah of shock radio from joining Howard Stern on satellite radio, but college students can’t afford that shit anyway so he should be safe for a while at least.

Wa waaaaah! Sucks to be you, buddy.

Speaking of racism…

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s racist tirade:

Dog, looking pensive in his MP3 enabled Oakley shades with snap-on dreadlocks.

Who’s surprised that Dog The Bounty Hunter uses the dreaded “N word”? By the look of him, I’m surprised he doesn’t have it tattooed on his neck. The Dog said it at least 100 times on the phone to his son, who like most of educated America, thinks he’s a dick. Which was especially dumb, because the little prick recorded it and released it for the entire world to hear. On the plus side, that’s one less reality show shitting on our airwaves. But on the downside, who’s going to collect all those bounties now? Dog may be a card carrying racist to the bone, but who’s going to capture all those criminals on national television now? The police? Who’s going to convince retarded hicks that mullets are cool so the rest of us can have something to laugh at? You? I didn’t think so.

Dog in the doghouse, watching his crappy show be put to sleep.

Speaking of recording phone calls…

Alec Baldwin illustrating how one eats an invisible sandwich for all you thoughtless little pigs out there.

Alec Baldwin was recorded leaving the longest, rudest phone message ever for his 11 year old daughter, Ireland, and bashing her mother, Kim Basinger, calling them both “rude, thoughtless pigs”, threatening to “straighten her out” etc. Of course, all this is probably true, because Alec Baldwin, like our country’s founder, George Washington, is awesome and cannot tell a lie.

Alec Baldwin getting bitched out by Rosie O’Donell in a rather extreme form of punishment for his bad behavior.

But even so, the whole tirade ended up being pretty embarrassing for Baldwin when the tape leaked out over the internets for everyone to hear. Let this be a reminder to everyone, especially the famous, to keep in mind that not only is Big Brother always watching, but he’s also recording, and most likely has a good friend that happens to work at TMZ.

Hasselhoff enjoying a delicious burger and a gallon of bottom-shelf vodka.

Hasselhoff is the kind of guy who can make you smirk just by the mere mention of his name. Somehow this guy manages to do something iconically awesome and ridiculous at least once per decade. In the 80s, we had “Night Rider”, in the 90s we had “Baywatch”, and in this new decade we find ourselves in, we have “The Burger Incident”.

The Hoff and friends in happier times.

Witness a man, drunker than a whole pub full of Irishmen, shirtless, laying shirtless on the floor making out with a burger while his shithead of a daughter films the whole thing. Just try to keep a straight face as the most famous man in Germany (because Germans are weirdos) mumbles incoherently and crawls on the floor like a baby with downs syndrome.