Movies that continue to spawn sequels that no one sees
By Jeremy Azevedo
You know how every couple of months, you see an ad in the paper (or anywhere else that’s cheap to advertise) for a new National Lampoon movie? And you think to yourself: “Who watches these?”
Not even the horniest of frat bros would waste ninety minutes of their time watching “Bag Boy” just to hear the same dick and fart jokes they’ve heard 1000 times that day already and maybe see some nobody’s boobs once or twice. (That’s what the internet is for, amirite?)
A parade of crap. Starring Bon Jovi and Paris Hilton.(Sigh…)
And yet, National Lampoon continues to make more and more shitty movies, slipping into near Troma-like depths of cheap cash-ins and half-baked plots. In case you need reminding, this is a company that at one time produced bonafide classics like “Animal House” and “Vacation”! But as painful as it is to see a franchise killed, buried, dug up, raped, reburied and pissed on like this, National Lampoon is not the only victim of Dead Horse Kickings Disease (DHKD) out there. Many once popular films have birthed series that continue farting into the wind to this very day, sometimes unbeknownst to anyone!
Let’s review:
Underworld
Vampires with guns. Okay, sure, why not?
Vampires in skin-tight Lycra body suits pretend to karate-fight CGI werewolves in slow motion. Do we really need three movies to convey this? Someone seems to thinks so… The third film in the series, “Rise of the Lycans” comes out next year. Just in time for you to apathetically get it confused with Blade 4, which you will also not go see in 2009!
Cruel Intentions
CI2: It may not have a coherent plot, but it does have sorta fugly naked twins!
The first Cruel Intentions, while based on a popular 18h century French play, was a banal sex movie without any actual sex in it. However, a cast that included Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Michelle Geller and Ryan Phillippe insured that it would be a hit. What most people don’t know about Cruel Intentions, however, is that it actually has two sequels! The first sequel was actually the pilot for a planned TV series, written and directed by the same guy as the first film, which was subsequently dropped from the Fox programming schedule and re-purposed as a movie. A third movie soon followed for absolutely no discernable reason, and of course no one saw it. Read the rest of this entry →
My girlfriend says that Megan Fox is the only other woman besides Rose McGowan that she’d “scissor”. As soon as I look up what that means, I’ll tell you if that’s something cool or not…
Until then, please enjoy these pics of Megan Fox in a wet dress from the new movie “How To Lose Friend And Alienate People”!
More reasons why you sorta missed out by not watching!
#10 Erin Densham
Austrialia
Triathalon
This chick can outrun you, outswim you, out-cycle you (I know, who cares right?) and probably outdrink you too, considering that she’s Australian and all!
Did she win?
Nope!
#9 Alona Bondarenko
Ukraine
Tennis
Comes from a family of tennis stars, has two hot sisters that she usually plays doubles with. (Just not with you.)
They could vault my pole anytime! # 10 Amy Acuff
High Jump
This beanpole’s interests include jumping over stuff, being hella tall and posing nude with alarming frequency!
#9 Jennie Finch
Softball
Unfortunately married to some asshole named “Daigle” or something, but is embarrassed to take his name. I don’t blame her. Read the rest of this entry →
Are you sick to death of hippies telling you how long your showers can be, telling you when to turn your lights off and trying to guilt you into driving those gay little electric cars around? I know I am. I don’t care how many soldiers have to kick the bucket so I can fill up my Escalade with liquefied dinosaur bones, I will never be caught dead in a “Prius”.
Despite what John Q. Patchouli Oil has been telling you, global warming is not the apocalyptic disaster that Al Gore and his fellow recycling plant shareholders have been telling you it is. In fact, there are many ways in which we can all benefit form “Global Warming”!
A polar bear enjoying a relaxing dip in his new tropical home.
Jackets are expensive. Do you really want to spend hundreds of dollars every year on new jackets? Maybe you’re not as fashionable as I am, and you only buy one every other year. But even then, the cost of a new leather jacket, for instance, can range anywhere from $250-$1000! Not to mention the senseless slaughter of so many delicious cows.
Think of all the solar power! All that sunshine could all but eliminate our dependency on foreign oil, coal, wind power or whatever the hell it is that makes my 61-inch plasma screen TV with 7.1 surround sound turn on every night. The only downside is that we might have too much energy, and would then be forced to design newer, better ways to be wasteful. Who has time for that?
Let’s face it: Alaska is useless! What a gyp, all that land and we have to pay people to move there. All that oil and we can’t drill for it because of all the goddamn penguins or whatever. Well, thanks to global warming, Alaska might actually become useful! If you’re not a total idiot, you’ll start buying up property right now, because once the thaw sets in, Alaska will be our new Hawaii!
Hell F’ing yeah, Alaska!
Dune buggies are rad. Everybody knows that. When the whole Midwest becomes a desert, imagine the fun you’ll have traveling everywhere by dune buggy! We can all expect a 500% increase in sweet jumps and massive air in our near future, and I for one think that’s great news.
We sat down with a handful of Suicide Girls to find out what gets their black hearts beating against their heavily tattooed chests for you this Valentine’s Day.
Check out the video here:
Need more last minute gift ideas? Not sure what to get or what to spend? CraveOnline and the Suicide Girls have got you covered. Read the rest of this entry →
