Mongo Nation

Dahmer plus Gacy, plus clowns, plus ninjas, plus Steven Adler = AWESOME!

By Jeremy Azevedo

When two of the most notorious killers of all time are cloned in a secret government experiment, you can be that nothing good will come of it.

Unless by “something good”, you mean Dahmer Vs. Gacy, a bloody serial killing spree the likes of which haven’t been seen since Freddy Vs. Jason! But whereas Freddy and Jason are fictional characters, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy are clearly the real deal!

Loose in a world filled with victims, Dahmer and Gacy engage in a horrific race to prove who is the better serial killer. When the government can’t stop them, they send ninjas. When ninjas can’t stop them, they send Steven Adler, the original drummer for Guns N’ Roses. When even that fails, everyone is pretty much f**ked until the two monsters inevitably take each other out.

Check out the awesome trailer right here:

Dahmer Vs. Gacy is currently showing at The American Film Market and is coming soon to late-night theaters and DVD!

…Into more theaters in select cities!

If you haven’t seen Black Dynamite yet, then the obvious question would be: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

For some, it’s probably the case that you have bad taste in movies and are saving your money for this week’s requisite Tyler Perry movie or perhaps the next 100 million dollar special effects/flashing lights/loud noises extravaganza. Or it may be the case that Black Dynamite isn’t playing in your area. We can’t do anything to help you if yours is a problem of taste, but we’ve got you covered on the whole theater sitch’.

Exciting new technology in the field of advanced drunkology

By Larry “Stretchnuts” Johnson

If you’re like me, the main problem that you face over the holiday weekend isn’t the traffic, or the overcrowded campsites, or the hungry, pissed-off bears… It’s the drinking.

You just can’t get drunk fast enough! The beer sweats out of you as fast as you can drink it, and the liquor is all lukewarm and gross. Also, there’s nothing to mix it with because you didn’t have room for soda in the cooler on account of all the aforementioned beer you packed. Lucky for us, Jagermeister has the solution!

The new Jagermeister 6 Bottle Shot Cooler is a cooler specifically designed to produce ice cold shots of Jag on the go. Perfect for camping, or even at the home or office! Four bottles can be stored in the chiller, while two more affix to a tap. A tap! In a cooler! It even has a little compartment inside that holds 50 shot cups. Yeah, 50 should about do it.

If you can’t get rip-roaring drunk off of 50 shots of ice cold and delicious Jagermeister, than maybe you should see a doctor or something, because you probably have an extra liver and there are starving boozehounds in third world countries that don’t even have one. So stop being so greedy and remember to drink responsibly!

…That Ended Up Being Surprisingly Awesome

By Jeremy Azevedo

The WWF (I just can’t bring myself to call it the WWE, I don’t care how the panda bears feel about it) has never been afraid to try out gimmicks that most people wouldn’t even consider putting on National Television.

We’ve seen clowns, Man-Taurs, dentists, doctors, barbarians, aliens and all manner of freaks strip down to their tights and throw a cross-body chop or two. But the real genius behind professional wrestling is that despite all odds, every once in awhile one of these batshit crazy gimmicks will catch on. CraveOnline has selected five of our favorites that sounded like a bad idea at first, but turned out to vbe totally awesome:

Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase

Why the Gimmick Was Retarded:

If you were a millionaire, possibly even a trillionaire, why in the goddamn hell would you want to mince about in tights, wrestling dudes on television and getting in fights all the time? Wouldn’t you be busy, like, making more money or going on vacation with supermodels or something?

Why the Gimmick Was Awesome Anyway:

Ted DiBiase was like the blueprint for gangster rap. I know that this sounds crazy, but look at it like this: He had an entourage with him at all times. He had a servant that would carry his shit around and take beatings for him without complaint. He wore excessive amounts of jewelry, not the least of which was his “Million Dollar Belt”, which was covered in real gold and diamonds. DiBiase would throw money in people’s faces, stuff it in their mouths, buy people off, make it rain, and generally act like a cocky asshole. And if anybody had a problem with it, he’d bitch slap them and kill that motherfucker. Meanwhile, N.W.A.’s “Straight Outta Compton” wouldn’t be released until at least a year after his WWF debut, and Master P was still working in a lousy record store at the time. Ted DiBiase, Million Dollar Man, OG Gangster baby!

The Undertaker

Why the Gimmick Was Retarded:

The Undertaker debuted as some sort of undead zombie wild-west mortician, who derived his power from an urn containing mystical powers or some such horseshit. Early on, it was hinted that he was in some way controlled by this urn and its handler, Paul Bearer, who looked like some kind of Addams Family reject. Pretty much everything about this sounds pretty retarded when you consider that the end result always comes down to two dudes body slamming each other on television.

Why the Gimmick Was Awesome Anyway:

Somehow, the whole “undead” gimmick just seems to work on a wholly entertaining level. The way the Undertaker zombie-marches to the ring in a veil of smoke, no-sells his opponents attacks, and rolls his eyes back in his head is just plain fun to watch, no matter how stupid it is. And the fact remains that his actual wrestling abilities honestly appear to be somewhat supernatural. The dude is almost 7 feet tall, but he can walk across the ropes like an acrobat. He can pick up just about anyone like it’s nothing. He’s been wrestling non-stop for decades, and he barely seems to age in the slightest. If you can try and forget the few months that he pretended to be a biker, riding to the stage on a Harley to Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” (because that’s what bikers listen to, right?) he remains one of the greatest characters in WWF history.

Brutus the Barber Beefcake

Why the Gimmick Was Retarded:

Normally, when you see a guy dressed in tight pink spandex with yellow tassels and feather boas and shit, and he’s from San Francisco, and he’s a hairdresser, what’s your initial impression of him? I’m willing to bet that the first thing to come to mind isn’t “badass professional wrestler”…

Why the Gimmick Was Awesome Anyway:

What must have started out as a practical joke being played on Mr. Beefcake by WWF chairman Vince McMahon quickly evolved into one of the most exciting characters ever to set foot in the squared circle. This is because, in the 1980s, what you did to your opponent after you kicked their ass was almost as important as how you kicked their ass in the first place. Brutus the Barber Beefcake was second only to Jake the Snake Roberts and his giant Burmese Python when it came to this. Beefcake was always in possession of a big-ass pair of gardening shears, which not only made a great weapon when the referee wasn’t looking, but also gave his opponents something to remember him by after the match. Back then, just about every wrestler had long, luxurious, permed locks of hair, and it was painful to watch Beefcake clip the shit out of them. He really wasn’t much a barber, after all, but he was a pretty great wrestler for a gay dude. Read the rest of this entry →

Would you prefer “Global Colding”?

By Moses Amadeus

Are you sick to death of hippies telling you how long your showers can be, telling you when to turn your lights off and trying to guilt you into driving those gay little electric cars around? I know I am. I don’t care how many soldiers have to kick the bucket so I can fill up my Escalade with liquefied dinosaur bones, I will never be caught dead in a “Prius”.

Despite what John Q. Patchouli Oil has been telling you, global warming is not the apocalyptic disaster that Al Gore and his fellow recycling plant shareholders have been telling you it is. In fact, there are many ways in which we can all benefit form “Global Warming”!

A polar bear enjoying a relaxing dip in his new tropical home.

Jackets are expensive. Do you really want to spend hundreds of dollars every year on new jackets? Maybe you’re not as fashionable as I am, and you only buy one every other year. But even then, the cost of a new leather jacket, for instance, can range anywhere from $250-$1000! Not to mention the senseless slaughter of so many delicious cows.

Think of all the solar power! All that sunshine could all but eliminate our dependency on foreign oil, coal, wind power or whatever the hell it is that makes my 61-inch plasma screen TV with 7.1 surround sound turn on every night. The only downside is that we might have too much energy, and would then be forced to design newer, better ways to be wasteful. Who has time for that?
Let’s face it: Alaska is useless! What a gyp, all that land and we have to pay people to move there. All that oil and we can’t drill for it because of all the goddamn penguins or whatever. Well, thanks to global warming, Alaska might actually become useful! If you’re not a total idiot, you’ll start buying up property right now, because once the thaw sets in, Alaska will be our new Hawaii!

Hell F’ing yeah, Alaska!

Dune buggies are rad. Everybody knows that. When the whole Midwest becomes a desert, imagine the fun you’ll have traveling everywhere by dune buggy! We can all expect a 500% increase in sweet jumps and massive air in our near future, and I for one think that’s great news.

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