Mongo Nation

How to overcome the most frequent objections to sex.

By Chest Rockwell

So I was watching Mike Judge’s “Extract” the other day… Early on, there’s a scene in which the main character, Joel (played by Jason Bateman), details his wife’s propensity to “close the doors to the candy shop” by donning a pair of sweatpants promptly at 8pm each and every night.

These sweatpants are effectively a chastity belt for which there is no key. I think this is something we’ve all experienced at some time or another, but why do we put up with it? I’ll bet that the when you started seeing your girlfriend exclusively, you thought the days of sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow would never end. It must come as some surprise to you then, that you increasingly find yourself to be the recipient of all manner of anti-sex excuses.

It doesn’t matter how hot the relationship started out, once a female has commitment, you can set your watch and warrant that the express train to Pink Town will be making significantly fewer stops as days go by.

Whatever you do, don’t give in to this!

We’ve heard all the excuses before, believe me, and since we’re no longer allowed to possess Rohypnol due to a court appointed order, we’ve compiled a list of those excuses that are the most common and the most effective ways to combat them. Have a look, and be prepared the next time your cow refuses to provide the milk that you bought it for in the first place!

Excuse: “I’m just not in the mood right now”

Counter: Get her in the mood. Light some scented candles (or incense if she’s, like, a hippy or whatever), put on some sexy music, and do that thing where you spin your peen0r around in front of you like a helicopter. Chicks love that.

Excuse: “I feel fat”

Counter: “Oh yeah?” (Place her hands firmly on your own ass) “…But how do I feel?”

Excuse: “I have a headache”

Counter: Give her some “medical” marijuana. This will serve three purposes:

1. It’ll dull the pain of her headache
2. It’ll lower her inhibitions
3. Marijuana makes chicks horny. Why? The hell if I know! What do i look like, a scientist?

Read the rest of this entry →

…And by that I mean ladies who put out.

By J-Stache

By now, you’re feeling a bit more like the man you can become and less like the doucher you’ve been by birthright. Credit me with showing you where the keys to the kingdom are located.

But only you can unlock the golden door, man! It’s time you buckle that chinstrap, get out on the field and pop somebody!

Take your new found swagger to where the fish are. Here is my most reliable shag spots, a tour de force of confidence building escapades for the newly initiated trim hound:

1. Old-Age Homes: You’ll find lots of ladies sitting around with time on the hands looking to start some trouble. At this point, a guy like you needs a captive audience. Things to come equipped with inlcude: angel food cake, Judy Garland movies, plenty of hypo-allergenic oils and as many coupons as you can collect. You may have to prime the pump, but once you in, hold on for dear life.

2. Academic or Chubby Sororities: If you had to choose between one or the other, go academic. Despite having mustaches themselves and an undying interest in nanotechnology, these ladies are burning for a twirl. Once you get those poorly fitting jeans off, things will get better. Be sure to read up on Dawkins, Rumi and Euclidean Geometry. If you really want to slay them, take out you HP12C Scientific Calculator at the right moment and watch the flowers open.

3. Dog Tracks: Some ladies are so low, that even a loser like you makes them feel like things are looking up. Don’t be afraid to lower the bar. The key her is keep making trifecta bets, buying cans of Coors Light and promising a big meal at the local Red Lobster. If you can get them to the car, play some Freedom Rock and sing along with great gusto. Nothing moves the betting lady like a health round of “Sweet Home Alabama”.

If you listened to me so far, this should end in some touchdowns. Send me photos at ridethemustache@gmail.com.

Here when you need me,
J-Stache

Last weeks blog: Cars: Fast Rides For Fast Times

Previous blogs: Fashion Advice: What Not To Wear: From Gays, To Nerds

Drunk dialing with everyone’s favorite drug abusing, alcoholic, animated mustache!

John Oates’ mustache teaches us how to pull some serious wool

For more J-Stache pearls of wisdom, please do yourself a service and visit Jstache.com!

Looking on the bright side of a recession that shows no signs of slowing

By Pete Pelmo

Normally, being broke is the worst thing that can happen to you. But the world is a funny place, and sometimes things can come in and out of fashion with little regard for history or tradition, like Hammer Pants or wearing a sweatband on your head when you’re not even playing tennis.

Being broke is now one such thing. In a bizarre twist that many economists are calling the “Hoodriche Factor”, being broke is now considered more awesome than not being broke as a result of several factors. Mathematically speaking, the formula looks something like this:

Being Broke > Having Loads of Cash

How can this be possible? In order to help you understand, we’ve outlined ten reasons that support the formula:

Recession fashion is in style

Some homeless-looking dudes picking up on hot model babes. It’s that easy!

Hipsters will pay a much as eighty American dollars at Urban Outfitters for the shitty, worn-out flannels in your closet. You can literally purchase a $300 outfit in the height of hipster fashion at any Goodwill store in any suburb in America (the ones in major cities are usually picked clean) for like twelve crispies. If you can pull off this look without beating your own self up for looking like an asshole, while also pretending to enjoy Fleet Foxes and Pabst Blue Ribbon, you’ll be up to your neck in hipster chick vag in no time.

Which brings me to reason number two:

Chicks don’t expect you to spend a whole bunch of money on them before they put out

Earth Girls Are Easy

Used to be that in order to get your pee-pee wet, you had to take a chick out to dinner or to a club or some such bullcrap and spend all this money on her. You might even have to do this more than once! It’s retarded. You both know that you’re not hanging out because you think the chick is real interesting or whatever. You’ve got plenty of other perfectly good friends you could party with if you wanted to not get laid at the end of the night. So essentially your date is trying to see how much free stuff she can get from you before she ends up on her back. But no longer! Now that everyone’s broke, “Recession Sex” articles have been appearing in big, bold letters on the covers of Cosmopolitan, Nylon, Vogue, Elle, Modern Period, The Nationalist and O Magazine. As a result, thousands of slump busters across the nation are totally down for one-night stands! What are the social implications of the suggestive powers of women’s social media and their conditioned response to obey conflicting stimuli under the pressure of pop cultural conformity? Who gives a f**k, Poindexter? Some of us are trying to have a good time over here, man.

Douchebags all of the sudden seem as intolerable to everyone else as they always have to you

Make me unsee it!

You’ve always found people who spend shitloads of money on dumb crap like Louis Vuitton handbags, True Religion jeans and bottle service at clubs to be repulsive and desperate for attention. Now everyone else hates them too, for rubbing their wealth (or their impressive credit lines, anyway) in everyone’s broke-ass faces. Now, for once in your life, you’re not part of the silent minority! Next time you point out some douche for acting like a bag of dicks and showing off or whatever, everyone will be all like “Yeah, right on! F**k that guy!” instead of telling you to relax and accusing you of being jealous like what always used to happen. Read the rest of this entry →

A Helpful Guide, Bro.

By BuckCherryFan420

Dude, so like, people are always coming up to me and saying, BuckCherryFan420, how can I RAWK like you, bro? And I’m like, keep dreamin’, DOUCHEBAG, cause’ that ‘aint never gonna happen, you know what I’m saying?

But then I got to thinking, bro, that maybe I could help you f**king dorks be at least half as ALPHA as I am by telling you some of the cool things I do that f**king RAWK, you know what I’m saying?

Also, these dorks, like, paid me to do it so now I sorta have to. Gotta stack cheddar for the Range, bro! You know what I’m saying? F**kin’ A!

Ok, the first thing you gotta do to RAWK like I do is make sure that your gear is right. You gotta put away the f**kin’ sweater vests and shit and get yourself some Affliction t-shirts and fitted caps, bro. Famous Stars and Straps are hella tight. Any Christian Audiger shit or stuff that says Hollywood or has strippers on it and shit is cool too. F**king ALPHA. Make sure you have some new dunks or Jordans on, bro, none of that pussy Converse stuff.

If you’re hella cool and alpha like I am, don’t be afraid to wear leather pants. They make your balls smell like a whore but they look SO F**KING ALPHA that bitches will be like, trying to rip them off you all the time and shit. So if you do wear them, you should probably know how to sew, dude. On account of all the ripping, I mean.

Next you gotta make sure that you’re listening to the right music. Of course, Buckcherry is the most alpha band of them all, that goes without saying. If you don’t agree, you may as well stop reading right now because you’re never gonna RAWK with that attitude, bro. Also I’ll kick your f**kin’ ass so get your shit together and start liking Buckcherry right f**king now, bro! I’m getting hella pissed at you right now… I’m gonna go pump some iron and blow off some steam before I jump right through your screen and choke your f**kin’ neck, you f**kin’ dork.

…

Ok, I’m back. Sorry about that, dude, I just get so f**king PISSED when people don’t understand how ALPHA Buckcherry are. WHOO! It’s, like, retarded bro. There’s other bands that are cool too though. Hinder is pretty sweet, Motley Crue, Saliva, shit like that. Guns and Roses have that one song, “Paradise City” that I like to sing at karaoke and shit. I don’t even care if there other people have already sung that shit, like, 30 times before me bro, I just can’t get enough of it. Just don’t let me catch you listening to any of that lame f**kin’ indie shit, bro. That stuff is for pencil-neck dweebs and college boys, not alpha dogs like you and me. Read the rest of this entry →

When dealing with an axe murderer, there are many misconceptions as to what will or will not ensure your survival. You may find yourself with questions and concerns that cannot be addressed simply by repeated viewings of “Scream”. This is why we have compiled a short guide that will help you make the right decisions, should you ever find yourself at the business end of a bloody hatchet.

Chapter 1: Your Killer and You

The first question you may have is “Who is my axe murderer? And what are their motivations?” Your axe murderer may be undead, psychopathic, under the impression that you have personally wronged them in some way, or perhaps even merely misunderstood. Are you personally familiar with your axe murderer? Do you have any personal shared history with him/her/it? Believe it or not, you may have an opportunity to reason with your axe murderer before things ever get out of hand, provided that you follow these guidelines:

DON’T attack your axe murderer with a feeble kitchen knife (It won’t do you any good anyway), scream at them, throw your phone them etc. This will only drive them into a primal rage, and will probably end with your head on a stick.

DO attempt to talk them down, quietly and calmly. Treat them as you would a wild, snarling dog… When a junkyard dog has you cornered, you don’t bark back at it, you try to calm them down by expressing to them that you are not afraid of them and also that you pose them no harm.

Once your axe murderer has let their guard down, shoot them in the face with a shotgun until you run out of shells and then burn the body, making sure not to take your eyes off of it until every last bone is turned to dust. If it should turn out that you were related to your axe murderer in some way after all, have the decency to scatter their ashes somewhere nice, hopefully setting their soul free to rest. Just do be sure to do this somewhere very far away from where you live, preferably in a different country. You know, just in case.

Chapter 2: Sex and Axe Murder

One of the biggest concerns that may arise when dealing with an axe murderer is whether or not their bloody rampage should interfere with your sex life. The answer is not as simple as you might think, and depends on a couple of major factors. Are you male or female? Are you a virgin or are you a sexually active, horny teen? Are you an adult, and if so, are you married? These circumstances, checked against the personality type of your ax murderer can dictate whether or not you should be playing “hide the salami” over the next few evenings of abject terror.

Subset A: Puritanical Axe Murderers

Axe murderers come in two distinct types, the first of which is designated as “Puritanical”. The puritanical ax murderer was probably brainwashed and/or abused by someone that was deeply religious, was jilted by a potential lover in some mind shattering way, or possibly even died or nearly died as a child because the horny camp counselors that were supposed to be watching him/her/it were too busy laying pipe to be bothered with their responsibility.

If you are male and a virgin, just go for it. Chances are good that you will be stapled to a tree by the end of the week either way, and you don’t really want to die a virgin, do you? Read the rest of this entry →