7 Deadly Sins For The Modern Era 0
7 horrible new things to worry about!
 By The Pope! |
In response to a modern new era that continually pushes the boundaries of what is and isn’t morally acceptable behavior, the Vatican has released and updated list of seven new “deadly sins”, the violation of which will surely lead to your eternal damnation. |
Unfortunately, those gosh darn Buddhists or whatever in the yellow press got a hold of the original decree and changed it to suit their needs. Polluting the environment? Genetic engineering? Obscene wealth? You’d think God was some kind of f**king hippy the way those assholes are trying to make him sound. But don’t worry, we’ve got the real list right here, so have a look at the REAL seven deadly sins for the modern era and consider yourself saved. You’re welcome.
Appearing on a reality TV show
I have no idea what show this is from, but it looks disgusting, whatever it is.
If you are looking to jumpstart your acting career, getting drunk and throwing dinner plates at strangers in fashionable swim wear for two weeks is probably not going to help. If you are looking for love, you’re probably not going to find it with a D-list celebrity by riding a unicycle with a margarita on your head. Eating a plateful of pickled horseshit is not going to cure your overwhelming fear of commitment. There is no amount of money that will make supplicating to Tila Tequila and/or Flava Flav acceptable in the eyes of the lord. Changing the name “Star Search” to “American Idol” and replacing Ed McMahon with Ryan Seacrest doesn’t make vapid pricks singing bad karaoke okay or acceptable. Additionally, the Vatican warns that there is a possibility Ryan Seacrest may even be the Antichrist foretold by scripture. The coming apocalypse will be heralded by the return of “The Grind” to network television. The Vatican may even go so far as to say that the mere act of watching reality TV may be damaging to your soul. You have been warned.
Fat people in tight clothes
How many god-fearing people had to starve so that behemoth could feed?
Fat people that wear tight clothes are a crime against fashion, nature, and all that is holy. Fat is not “fabulous”, regardless of what Tyra/Oprah/Rosie or whatever fat chick on TV is popular at the moment tells you. The Vatican considers mouthy bitches to be agents of sin, fat ones especially. If you are a portly lady or fellow with no bum, tight, skinny jeans are not for you. The Vatican doesn’t care how strict the dress codes for being an emo scene kid are. Nobody wants to see your muffin top. Emo music is clearly homosexual in nature anyway, and you know how the Vatican frowns upon that. While we’re on the subject, fix your hair too. The road to hell is paved with unfortunate hairstyles. But we digress. Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than an enormous fatbody in tights and a belly shirt? Cover that shit up, you gluttonous beast, the power of Christ compels you!
