No matter how many unsolicited CDs I get in my mailbox every month, I try to at least give each and every one of them a fair shot at a review, no matter how much it may pain me to listen to some of them.
In the interest of saving myself a hell of a lot of work, I’ve condensed all of the reviews for the aforementioned albums to 20 words or less. Not only does this make my job easier, but it also makes the reviews more fun to read.
The Silent Years: The Globe
Pretty decent, atmospheric indie pop by a bunch of science dorks from Detroit. Wait, there are science dorks in Detroit?!
Common Market: Tobacco Road
One of the best hip-hop albums I’ve heard all year. A nice surprise from the burgeoning Seattle rap scene.
Late of the Pier: Echoclistel Lambietroy EP
The coolest thing about this band is that one of the dudes looks exactly like Ronald Weasley from Harry Potter.
Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.
By Jeremy Azevedo
Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.
Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:
Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)
Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).
Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)
Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →
Luke Lockfeld, Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne, live!
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne (both of whom swear that those are their real names…) and 13-year old comic phenom Luke Lockfeld! It’s just like being at the club, except there’s no 2-drink minumum and instead of sitting at a table with a date, you’re sitting in your mom’s basement at your computer by yourself, wearing a dirty pair of briefs and a bathrobe with dinosaurs on it!
We were on location at the premiere of Season 4/Season 3 DVD release of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, one of the funniest shows currently on television. We asked some of the stars of the show about their experience working on the popular comedy program, a couple of rude personal questions and even one or two questions that had absolutely nothing to do with anything! I would say “that’s how we roll” but that would make me a douche, amirite? So just watch the goddamn video already!
A cursory glance at the big movies of the summer paints a very telling picture of the way roles are written for women in cinema these days…
Maybe the closest thing to a serious acting gig for a chick would be the recently released Woody Allen picture, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”, which appears to exist so that we can all watch Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a threesome with the guy from “No Country” because Woody Allen is finally too old to do it himself.
Javier and his friendos.
It seems like the days in which the “best actress” category at the Oscars (and their retarded stepbrother, the Golden Globes) were not a complete farce are long gone. Reese Witherspoon winning for sappy biopic like “Walk the Line”? Really? Or Hillary Swank for an over-promoted after school special like “Million Dollar Baby”? Jesus H. You have got to be kidding me. Where are all the serious actresses?
I, for one, am tired of all my movies being ruined by “actresses” that are perhaps better suited to print work, like Jessica Biel/Alba (same difference), pretentious broads like Kiera Knightly who over-value their own skill level, and bland TV actresses with no sex appeal like Katherine Hiegl. Who are this generation’s future legends? None of these women are likely to have a career that outlasts their 30th birthday.
Jessica Alba “acting” like a champion handjobbist.
With a little research I’ve come up with a list of ten actresses that may be just one great role away from timeless recognition. Or, at the very least, are reasonably tolerable. Read the rest of this entry →
