Mongo Nation

Toronto’s hottest “Live Remixing” trio on music, tacos, DJ culture and GILFs!

Welcome to “Taco the Town”, the most delicious interview show on the Interwebs!

Because our studio is still a smoldering pile of ashes after our failed attempt to build a working volcano for the inter-office science fair, we’ll be talking to famous musicians, authors, comedians, weather-predicting groundhogs, actors, “exotic dancers” and life-size, 3-dimensional smurf people in the one place that everyone can agree on: The Taco Stand!

Today we’ll be talking to Keys N Krates, the Canada Land hipster band responsible for bringing the term “Live Remixing” into the vocabulary of music fans around the globe. DJ Jr Flo, Matisse and Tune were kind enough to eat tacos with us and discuss such hard-hitting subjects as the Candian health care system, reconfiguring our perception of what a live band is or should be, and how famous you have to be to f**k Paris Hilton! Check it all out right here, exclusively on CraveOnline!

It’s been real… It’s been fun… And dare I say it may have even been REAL FUN?!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Well, CraveOnline fans, I’m afraid I have bad news for you: Your favorite (?) writer and video producer, Jeremy Azevedo, is leaving, and he’s taking all of his multiple personalities with him.

That means no more Moses Amadeus, Pete Pelmo, Karate Chimp, The Most Pissed-Off Dude in the World, Creepy Office Guy, Ted Hucklebuck, Chest Rockwell, Stretchnuts, Dr. Science, Junkyard or BuckCherryFan420, either. I know; it’s like a national tragedy.

I’ll give you a moment to grieve.

All finished?

Good. Now dry your eyes and let’s take a walk down memory lane shall we? I’ve compiled a list of some of my best articles, videos and top 10 lists from my time here, so the 12 of you that actually read my stuff on a regular basis can maybe squeeze one last chuckle out of them before they’re lost to the void. Yeah!

(And P.S.: If any of you are at all interested in following me where I go next, feel free to email me at jeremyazevedo@yahoo.com)

Now, without further ado, here are the top 10 greatest hits from the 2007-2010 era of CraveOnline, henceforth to be referred to as the “Golden Era”:

How Do I Know If I Am A Hipster? - (Maybe the best thing I’ve ever written)

Jerkoffs You Are Sure to Meet in Art School - (And I should know, I was one. An art student, I mean)

An AIM Convo Between The Ultimate Warrior and Lindsay Lohan - (I’m still not convinced that this didn’t actually happen)

Really Bad Gifts to Give Your Co-Workers - (My favorite holiday-themed post!)

Celebrity PostSecrets Intercepted! - (One of my better Photoshoops)

Harry Potter to Appear in Every Movie, Retroactively - (More Photoshoop fun!)

Empire of the Sun: Walking on a Dream - (Probably my best album review, ever)

The Secret Millionaire’s Playbook Intercepted! - (I think I wrote this one in response to the bailout)

Millions of American Males Lining Up To Be Rejected By Megan Fox - (And yet, she keeps getting back with that dude…)

How to RAWK - (I’d like to point out that this pre-dates “Jersey Shore” by a year)

• Next page: Top 10 Videos of The Golden Era
• Next, next page: Top 10 Top 10 Lists of The Golden Era

Read the rest of this entry →

All the funniest crappy videos from 2009!

By The Internet

Each week, we select the top five absolute weirdest videos any of us have ever seen, and post them here for your viewing pleasure. But this week, we’ll be doing something a bit different!

2009 has been a banner year for funny videos from 1987, which have been dubbed (poorly) from VHS, uploaded to YouTube, and then raped and pillaged by sites like yours truly! Today, we’ll be taking a look at some of our favorites, those select few videos that made us laugh out loud in real life (LOL IRL). Try not to shit your pants laughing, you goons!

Dinosaurs say “Hey”

Jurassic Park: Secretly a comedy?

Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video

If this doesn’t make you want to (not) visit, nothing will.

Snakes on a Plane Hilariously Bad TV Overdub

Is the TV edit actually better than the original?

Gimme Dat Christian Side Hug

Words cannot describe the unintentional hilarity contained within this video.

Here Comes Mr. Meatloaf!

Alf probably wishes he had never left Melmac…

Read the rest of this entry →

We take a look at some of the sexiest, most influential women ever to be chased around by a guy in a Halloween mask.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Say what you will about Rob Zombie, but the dude knows his horror. More specifically, he knows his scream queens, as evidenced by the cast of Halloween II.  Now some of you (or more specifically, those of you that wear your underwear on the outside of your pants and are required by law to wear a helmet when riding in a car) may be wondering what is a “scream queen”?

Well, it’s funny that you should ask, because not only am I going to tell you what a scream queen is, I’m also going to provide you with examples.

A scream queen is an actress that is known for appearing in horror movies with a certain amount of regularity. That’s pretty much it. There are many different kinds of scream queens, ranging from the innocent “last girl” to the victim, the horny teen and even sometimes the aggressor. But the one thing that they all have in common is that at some point in whichever movie they appear in, there will be a scene in which they run around screaming while someone is trying to stab or bludgeon them or whatever. Hence the name, “scream queen”. Simple enough?

Now that the definitions are out of the way, following is a list of our favorite scream queens from horror movies past and present:

Scout Taylor-Compton

Of course you’ll recognize Scout from Mr. Zombie’s recent Halloween remakes, playing the part of victim du jour, Laurie Strode. In playing the part of the “last girl”, Scout has great potential to keep working in the genre. The reasons for this are twofold: One, the last girl is generally the star of the movie. Because they are typically cute in that sort of way that allows them to play a teenager well into their thirties, “last girl” archetypes like Scout can potentially keep this role going for years to come. Second, she doesn’t take off her top, which separates her from the “horny teen” character role that usually gets killed in the first third of every horror movie. This isn’t really an ideal role to have because eventually, audiences get tired of seeing the same chick’s tits over and over and they move on to the next thing. I have a feeling that we’ll be seeing a lot more of Scout in the near future, especially since she’s going to be playing Lita Ford in “The Runaways”, which is obviously not a horror film but is still totally awesome.

Sarah Michellle Gellar

Not only was she Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but SMG (as I like to call her) has also starred in numerous horror films, most notably “Scream 2″, “I Know What You Did Last Summer” and “The Grudge”. She also played Daphne in the “Scooby Doo” movies, but I don’t think those films technically count as horror films because the ghosts always turn out to be a carnie or a creepy professor or something like that in the end.

Asia Argento

The daughter of famed Italian horror/suspense director Dario Argento, Asia Argento is the prototype for the “Suicide Girls” generation of scream queens to follow in her footsteps. With dark hair, tattoos, a propensity for nudity and a near constant sneer, Asia is instantly recognizable to American horror fans despite the fact that most of her films are in Italian. Read the rest of this entry →

How to overcome the most frequent objections to sex.

By Chest Rockwell

So I was watching Mike Judge’s “Extract” the other day… Early on, there’s a scene in which the main character, Joel (played by Jason Bateman), details his wife’s propensity to “close the doors to the candy shop” by donning a pair of sweatpants promptly at 8pm each and every night.

These sweatpants are effectively a chastity belt for which there is no key. I think this is something we’ve all experienced at some time or another, but why do we put up with it? I’ll bet that the when you started seeing your girlfriend exclusively, you thought the days of sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow would never end. It must come as some surprise to you then, that you increasingly find yourself to be the recipient of all manner of anti-sex excuses.

It doesn’t matter how hot the relationship started out, once a female has commitment, you can set your watch and warrant that the express train to Pink Town will be making significantly fewer stops as days go by.

Whatever you do, don’t give in to this!

We’ve heard all the excuses before, believe me, and since we’re no longer allowed to possess Rohypnol due to a court appointed order, we’ve compiled a list of those excuses that are the most common and the most effective ways to combat them. Have a look, and be prepared the next time your cow refuses to provide the milk that you bought it for in the first place!

Excuse: “I’m just not in the mood right now”

Counter: Get her in the mood. Light some scented candles (or incense if she’s, like, a hippy or whatever), put on some sexy music, and do that thing where you spin your peen0r around in front of you like a helicopter. Chicks love that.

Excuse: “I feel fat”

Counter: “Oh yeah?” (Place her hands firmly on your own ass) “…But how do I feel?”

Excuse: “I have a headache”

Counter: Give her some “medical” marijuana. This will serve three purposes:

1. It’ll dull the pain of her headache
2. It’ll lower her inhibitions
3. Marijuana makes chicks horny. Why? The hell if I know! What do i look like, a scientist?

Read the rest of this entry →