Movies that continue to spawn sequels that no one sees

By Jeremy Azevedo

You know how every couple of months, you see an ad in the paper (or anywhere else that’s cheap to advertise) for a new National Lampoon movie? And you think to yourself: “Who watches these?”

Not even the horniest of frat bros would waste ninety minutes of their time watching “Bag Boy” just to hear the same dick and fart jokes they’ve heard 1000 times that day already and maybe see some nobody’s boobs once or twice. (That’s what the internet is for, amirite?)

A parade of crap. Starring Bon Jovi and Paris Hilton. (Sigh…)

And yet, National Lampoon continues to make more and more shitty movies, slipping into near Troma-like depths of cheap cash-ins and half-baked plots. In case you need reminding, this is a company that at one time produced bonafide classics like “Animal House” and “Vacation”! But as painful as it is to see a franchise killed, buried, dug up, raped, reburied and pissed on like this, National Lampoon is not the only victim of Dead Horse Kickings Disease (DHKD) out there. Many once popular films have birthed series that continue farting into the wind to this very day, sometimes unbeknownst to anyone!

Let’s review:

Underworld

Vampires with guns. Okay, sure, why not?

Vampires in skin-tight Lycra body suits pretend to karate-fight CGI werewolves in slow motion. Do we really need three movies to convey this? Someone seems to thinks so… The third film in the series, “Rise of the Lycans” comes out next year. Just in time for you to apathetically get it confused with Blade 4, which you will also not go see in 2009!

Cruel Intentions

CI2: It may not have a coherent plot, but it does have sorta fugly naked twins!

The first Cruel Intentions, while based on a popular 18h century French play, was a banal sex movie without any actual sex in it. However, a cast that included Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Michelle Geller and Ryan Phillippe insured that it would be a hit. What most people don’t know about Cruel Intentions, however, is that it actually has two sequels! The first sequel was actually the pilot for a planned TV series, written and directed by the same guy as the first film, which was subsequently dropped from the Fox programming schedule and re-purposed as a movie. A third movie soon followed for absolutely no discernable reason, and of course no one saw it. Read the rest of this entry →

Back to the future

By Ted Hucklebuck

Back when the first of the four planned Futurama features, “Bender’s Big Score” debuted, we were on the red carpet to interview the cast and crew. Tress MacNeillie, whose role was relatively small in the first film, alluded to a future movie in which her character, Mom, held a pivotal role.

A year later, we find that “Bender’s Game” is that movie, in which the Planet Express gang is on a vengeful suicide mission to destroy Mom’s supply of dark matter (the future version of crude oil) with an “anti-backwards crystal” (long story), purely out of spite.

In typical Futurama/Simpsons fashion, the “B story” intersects with the main plot when Bender discovers, through the Cheeto-stained wonders of Dungeons and Dragons, that he has an imagination. This, of course, causes Bender to go batshit crazy and drag everybody into his whimsical, imaginary world: “Cornwood, home of the Fancy Men” (Giving us a welcome break from the show’s usual future theme while he’s at it).

Deviating from the tired formula of Fry/Leela love stories and Bender’s alcoholism, we are instead treated to something resembling a psychedelic “Lord of the Rings” spoof. Nerd fan service is in full effect here, but the comedy is also spot on. Imagine if “Family Guy” referenced pop culture that people were actually aware of instead of trying to think of the most obscure 80s footnote possible, and you have some idea of what you’re in for.

Compared to the previous two Futurama movies, “Bender’s Game” is both the strangest and the most conventional. The first two movies had plotlines that sort of dovetailed one another, whereas “Bender’s Game” is completely a stand-alone story. Additionally, there are no songs or major guest stars present, which is a plus for some, a minus for others. I recommend that if you haven’t already seen the first two films, that you at least check this one out. And if you are one of those Magic the Gathering, D&D dorks, then I’m afraid I must insist that you watch “Bender’s Game”, if for no other reason than that it skewers you so deservedly (though not nearly as mercilessly as South park did to the WOW nerds a few months back).

Score: 8 out of 10
+1 sword of infinite slaying
-12 hit points! You are now afflicted with Sleep!

By Tom Oatmeal

Who left the warehouse unlocked!?

Hi there. If you’re like me, it’s hard to tell when things are really happening or if you are just watching a movie. Because of that, I’ve answered some common questions that will help you keep the world of movies separate from your reality, which I’m told is healthy. Pay attention and your life can be fun and enjoyable, just like in that movie where I had sex with my neighbor’s wife while he was at the gym.

Question #1: Is it ever okay to let a monkey play an organized sport like baseball?

Absolutely not. Though many great films have been made where a monkey enhances a team’s performance and improves locker room morale, such a coaching strategy is best left to fiction. Not only does it undermine the long hours and hard work that goes into scouting human players, putting a monkey into a baseball game can be unpredictable and dangerous. Without intensive training, most primates are completely unable to understand the sport they are being asked to play and thus, cannot be expected to contribute in a safe and constructive way. For example, if a monkey is assigned to play third base, instead of fielding a ground ball and throwing it to first, he will probably opt to throw his shit into the crowd and then try to bite off the shortstop’s testicles because he feels threatened by his gender. Having to sedate or kill an out of control monkey in front of thousands of baseball fans is bad for business even on giveaway nights.

Question #2: I’m a pretty well respected Reverend and I’m thinking about banning dancing in my town. Should I?

First off, I’d check and see if your status as Reverend even makes you eligible to manipulate laws. I don’t think it does. However, in the event that you can, I would still advise against it. The act of trying to regulate a ban on a loosely defined action like “dancing” would be enough to make your head spin. Even if you got it out of local gymnasiums, dancers can be incredibly resourceful and would likely make use of nearly any other indoor facility. That crazy new kid in town with all the dance moves could easily drive out to some empty warehouse and dance all over the place. Even if you ask the warehouse foreman to make sure the place is dance-proof when he leaves for the night, what exactly does that mean? Sure, covering the hard floors with a layer of carpeting will guard against tap and break dancing, what about interpretive dance? That style is hard enough to define, let alone ban. Is running really fast and then jumping or swinging from a loose chain from one warehouse platform to another considered “dancing?” Personally I don’t think it is, but do you think that matters to the rebellious youth screwing around in your warehouse? I understand that you believe it’s a slippery slope. One minute kids are dancing and the next minute they’re thinking, “Hey! Let’s try rape now.” Trust me though: A ban on dancing is not an issue that you want to touch. Also, don’t be mad at me, but I think that new kid is having sex with your daughter. Read the rest of this entry →

Feminism? In my video game tapes?

More often than not, female protagonists in video games tend to exist as little more than a shameless attempt to rope in young male audiences looking for cheap thrills (Much like the banner image I used above for this article).But what about those female heroines that transcend the basic law of jiggly tits=$$$? No really, I’m being serious… I’ve even gone so far as to compile a list of the top 10 gaming heroines that are more famous for their contribution to the artform than they are for their propensity for up-skirt cinematography.

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man)

You may have thought that Ms. Pac-Man was nothing more than regular Pac-Man with a bow on his head meant to rope female gamers into playing arcade games, but you would be very wrong sir (or madam). Whatever Pac-Man could do, Ms. Pac-Man could do faster and better. Most old school arcade enthusiasts will tell you that Ms. Pac-Man is just quite simply a smoother and more enjoyable experience than her male predecessor.

Jade (Beyond Good And Evil)

Not many video games star a female journalist struggling to uncover a worldwide military conspiracy using stealth and photography. Jade is probably the best example of a female protagonist being treated with the same respect as a male lead, in one of the best and most under-rated games of all time. Her uncle is a humanoid pig, which is kind of a turnoff, but they’re technically not blood relatives so at least there probably wasn’t any pig-lovin’ in her direct line of lineage. Read the rest of this entry →

Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.

Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:

Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)

Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).

Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)

Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →

Now with 100% less Kate Hudson!

By Jeremy Azevedo

A cursory glance at the big movies of the summer paints a very telling picture of the way roles are written for women in cinema these days…

Maybe the closest thing to a serious acting gig for a chick would be the recently released Woody Allen picture, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”, which appears to exist so that we can all watch Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a threesome with the guy from “No Country” because Woody Allen is finally too old to do it himself.

Javier and his friendos.

It seems like the days in which the “best actress” category at the Oscars (and their retarded stepbrother, the Golden Globes) were not a complete farce are long gone. Reese Witherspoon winning for sappy biopic like “Walk the Line”? Really? Or Hillary Swank for an over-promoted after school special like “Million Dollar Baby”? Jesus H. You have got to be kidding me. Where are all the serious actresses?

I, for one, am tired of all my movies being ruined by “actresses” that are perhaps better suited to print work, like Jessica Biel/Alba (same difference), pretentious broads like Kiera Knightly who over-value their own skill level, and bland TV actresses with no sex appeal like Katherine Hiegl. Who are this generation’s future legends? None of these women are likely to have a career that outlasts their 30th birthday.

Jessica Alba “acting” like a champion handjobbist.

With a little research I’ve come up with a list of ten actresses that may be just one great role away from timeless recognition. Or, at the very least, are reasonably tolerable. Read the rest of this entry →

They’re Mustache-tic!

By Jeremy Azevedo

I think we can all agree that mustaches are well on their way to officially escaping their banishment to the dark realm of the “old and uncool”, and making a triumphant return to the faces of young Americans…

No longer is the mustache content to languish on the pallid, moisturized faces of wimpy hipsters trying in vain to be more ironic then one another! In honor of International Mustache Appreciation Month, we have compiled a list of the top 10 most influential mustaches in recent history. I think you’ll find that some of our selections may surprise you! (Unless you’re not a complete mongoloid, in which case I think you’ll find that they are all spot-on!)

Weird Al Yankovic

Style: The Bermuda Triangle

Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Accordion mastery, enhanced snark, advanced flexibility, able to disappear and reappear at will, can store up to 220 Brontobytes of musical pop culture trivia, wrote and directed the cult classic film “UHF” while host body was in a coma due to a tragic poodle waxing accident.

Mike Haggar

Style: The Hungarian

Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Enhanced muscular growth, the ability to dress like Freddie Mercury without looking gay, increased electability to the Mayor’s office, can perform a flawless double lariat at will (at the expense of a small amount of health).
Read the rest of this entry →

More reasons why you sorta missed out by not watching!

#10 Erin Densham
Austrialia
Triathalon

This chick can outrun you, outswim you, out-cycle you (I know, who cares right?) and probably outdrink you too, considering that she’s Australian and all!

Did she win?
Nope!

#9 Alona Bondarenko
Ukraine
Tennis

Comes from a family of tennis stars, has two hot sisters that she usually plays doubles with. (Just not with you.)

Did she win?
The hell if I know. I’m guessing no?
Read the rest of this entry →

They could vault my pole anytime!
# 10 Amy Acuff
High Jump

This beanpole’s interests include jumping over stuff, being hella tall and posing nude with alarming frequency!

#9 Jennie Finch
Softball

Unfortunately married to some asshole named “Daigle” or something, but is embarrassed to take his name. I don’t blame her. Read the rest of this entry →

RIAA Certified evidence that we’re all a bunch of gullible asswipes.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Diamond albums are records that are certified b the RIAA to have sold upwards of ten million copies in their lifetime. Some people are misinformed into thinking that this is an honor held by only the most successful and deserving of artists. Sadly, this is not always the case. To illustrate this fact, we have complied a short list of the ten worst albums to ever go Diamond…

Matchbox 20 Yourself or Someone Like You 12 million

You have these assholes to thank for much of the bad, pussy emo lite-rock shit that’s raping the ear-holes of America to this day. And you have singer Rob Thomas to thank for even managing to make Carlos Santana annoying.

Ace of Base The Sign 10 million

Hey the Ace of Base, remember them? They were sort of like ABBA, because, um, they were Swedih right? And sort of, like, poppy? And their names started with the letter “A”? Don’t stress yourself out trying to recall, it isn’t worth the effort. Let’s just try and forget that there was ever this desperate of a need for Swedish euro-pop and try and move on with our lives.

Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet 12 million

I hate this album for making karaoke horrible in all but the most clandestine of environments. Not once in my life have I been in a popular karaoke bar in which one out of every three songs was not a Bon Jovi song. Bon Jovi songs aren’t even good to begin with, and the karaoke equivalents are not much better. If you are one of the many legions of mongoloids that think it’s funny to sing “Living on a Prayer” at the top of your lungs with a large throng of your mouth-breathing friends (in public, no less), you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s obnoxious. So stop.

Creed Human Clay 11 million

Ever sinceAH Creed came out, douchebagsAH have been singingAH in this unbearable styleAH. I hopeAH all the peopleAH that bought this albumAH get an infectionAH in their peeholeAH. Read the rest of this entry →