Mongo Nation

How to overcome the most frequent objections to sex.

By Chest Rockwell

So I was watching Mike Judge’s “Extract” the other day… Early on, there’s a scene in which the main character, Joel (played by Jason Bateman), details his wife’s propensity to “close the doors to the candy shop” by donning a pair of sweatpants promptly at 8pm each and every night.

These sweatpants are effectively a chastity belt for which there is no key. I think this is something we’ve all experienced at some time or another, but why do we put up with it? I’ll bet that the when you started seeing your girlfriend exclusively, you thought the days of sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow would never end. It must come as some surprise to you then, that you increasingly find yourself to be the recipient of all manner of anti-sex excuses.

It doesn’t matter how hot the relationship started out, once a female has commitment, you can set your watch and warrant that the express train to Pink Town will be making significantly fewer stops as days go by.

Whatever you do, don’t give in to this!

We’ve heard all the excuses before, believe me, and since we’re no longer allowed to possess Rohypnol due to a court appointed order, we’ve compiled a list of those excuses that are the most common and the most effective ways to combat them. Have a look, and be prepared the next time your cow refuses to provide the milk that you bought it for in the first place!

Excuse: “I’m just not in the mood right now”

Counter: Get her in the mood. Light some scented candles (or incense if she’s, like, a hippy or whatever), put on some sexy music, and do that thing where you spin your peen0r around in front of you like a helicopter. Chicks love that.

Excuse: “I feel fat”

Counter: “Oh yeah?” (Place her hands firmly on your own ass) “…But how do I feel?”

Excuse: “I have a headache”

Counter: Give her some “medical” marijuana. This will serve three purposes:

1. It’ll dull the pain of her headache
2. It’ll lower her inhibitions
3. Marijuana makes chicks horny. Why? The hell if I know! What do i look like, a scientist?

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How to slay babes, when you’re not already busy slaying dragons.

By Chest Rockwell

Bioware is no stranger to inviting controversy by including sexual subjects in their games. Mass Effect, for instance,  received a great deal of attention for scenes depicting your character getting lucky with a hot alien space babe.

This was, of course, dutifully blown out of proportion by an evangelical blogger who described the game as a “‘over the net virtual orgasmic rape simulator” or something along those lines.If that dude had actually played Mass Effect, he’d know that those scenes were tame in comparison to those in Dragon Age Origins!

In all seriousness, the sex scenes in this game are actually nowhere near “Hot Coffee” levels of smuttiness. They are, however, quite prevalent and not particularly gender-specific in most cases. There is even a cathouse in Denerim in which you can score with any manner of man, woman, animal or object for the low, low price of 40 silver. (Or 30 if you negotiate!)

Dragon Age: Tiger Woods Edition

But why pay for it when you can get it for free from your teammates? Especially when you get achievements for doing so? We’ve played the game enough to know how and when to unsheath our sword and with whom, and now we will impart that wisdom to you. Just know that there are some major PLOT SPOILERS involved, so if you’re just starting out in the game you might want to bookmark this guide for later.

Your trusty lusty companions, in alphabetical order:

Alistair

Alistair is the one potential sex partner that will only bed a female lead character. (Even if she’s a dwarf, which is totally gross.) Although, I do recall having a conversation with him at one time about “licking lamp posts in the winter time” or something like that, for which I find him highly suspect. Be that as it may, this virginal templar will only let a lady Warden pop his cherry. You can accomplish this by being nice to him, pretending to enjoy his lame jokes and generally looking the other way every time he does something vaguely cowardly.

Preferred gifts:

• Alistair’s Mother’s Amulet
• Duncan’s Shield
• Statuettes and runestones
• MC Hammer CDs

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LA Kings promote ice hockey with a bikini calendar? I’ll take it!

The LA Kings Ice Girls have a bikini calendar out this month. I’m not sure what bikinis and beaches have to do with ice hockey, but I’m certainly not complaining.

We make the Nerdcore calendar girls scream!

Each year, Nerdcore releases a calendar of naked porn stars and various hot babes re-enacting moments from popular geek fantasies. These have involved subjects ranging from video games, to superheroes, to science fiction. This year, Nerdcore surprised dorks everywhere by going with a horror theme! I don’t know what they were so surprised about; few people are as hopelessly nerdy as a hardcore horror fan. And I should know. We smell our own.

So anyway, our foxy field reporter Laryn Michael went down to Royal Clayton’s English Pub to talk to all the sexy Nerdcore models and the dweebs that coerced them into getting naked in the first place. The resulting interview may be too sexy for some… So if you are watching from your office, please make sure that you don’t have to stand up for at least a few minutes. (Trust me on this.)

Hey guess what else? We also have some preview pics from the calendar itself! (Some of which, we pilfered from our friends at ShockTIllYouDrop.com.) Check em’ out:

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Hotter than “A Suicide Girls President’s Day” I can tell you that much.

Halloween is our favorite holiday. Christmas is pretty good, because you get presents and everything. And the food is great on Thanksgiving. But only on Halloween do hundreds of thousands of women use the day as an excuse to dress up in the sluttiest, trashiest, most provocative costumes they can find and walk the streets without fear of judgment!

Whoever the genius was that started this trend should be awarded Sainthood or given a medal or something.

The Suicide Girls are, of course, not at all immune to Halloween’s sexy charms. (Not that the Suicide Girls needed any excuse to dress up in slutty outfits or anything.) So celebrate the spirit of Halloween with us by doing exactly what you would’ve been doing anyway: Ogling hot chicks in skimpy costumes.

Horror Movie Vaguely Horrific Family Movie this makes me think of: Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Associated pervy quote: Congratulations, you found the golden ticket! (To my pants)

Horror Movie this makes me think of: The Stuff
Associated pervy quote: The Stuff: Are you eating it or am I eating you? Um… I mean, or is it eating you? Yeah. Read the rest of this entry →