Katy Perry, best known for singing a catchy song about hot girl-on-girl action (which was a hell of a lot more shocking in 1995 when actual lesbian Jill Sobule sang it), attempted a stunt at the Latin VMAs or some such bullshit that resulted in unexpected fail and LULZ:
Of course, I can’t be too mad at a chick who encourages girls to experiment with bisexuality, is totally fuckable, and whose song is already a staple at strip clubs across the nation… But I would be remiss in my duty if I failed to point out this hilariously epic fuckup to the many good people out there who actually do experience palpable hatred for the young lady, as well as those who just enjoy a good ‘ol fashioned slip n’ fall. Which includes pretty much everybody, amirite?
Part 2 of 2: Tommy on why he’s such an expert at criminal law
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by comedian Tommy Savitt! Tommy is like a double-agent of justice… He understands what it’s like to be on both sides of the law. But how is this knowledge going to help him score with chicks?
Check back soon for more exclusive live stand-up comedy!
Due to the success of Transformers and the overwhelming hype surrounding the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, producers are no doubt snapping up licenses to 80s cartoons at an alarming rate…
But for every Thundercats or He-Man, there’s another franchise that has absolutely no business ever being made into a movie. Here’s a look at the bottom 5:
Bravestarr:
Yes, he does ride that horse, and yes, it is awkward.
Bravestarr essentially combines science fiction, westerns, racial stereotypes and Satanism into one tidy package. The plot revolves around a planet known as “New Texas” (naturally) upon which some valuable mineral known as “Kerium” is being mined by meek “prarie people” who seem to receive no visible benefit for their slave labor. Despite this fact, an alcoholic Native American sheriff known as Marshall Bravestarr is called into action to combat an evil menace (the antichrist, furries, prarie people who want a piece of the action, gay robots) over the fate of New Texas and it’s precious resources, armed with his shamanistic spirit animal powers and a sweet cowboy hat. This show also features a talking horse that stands on two legs and can shoot a rifle, which sort of defeats the purpose of being a horse in the first place. Additionally, this also makes everyone feel weird about it when Bravestarr rides on his back.
Likelihood of being adapted into a film: 1/1,000
Silverhawks/Tigersharks/Sectaurs/Dinosaucers
Piss-poor Thundercats clones: This is why we can’t have nice things.
As a result of the overwhelming popularity of Thundercats, everybody and their mother was scrambling to develop their own anamorphic superteam of humanimals to delight bloodthirsty warmongering children and also give furries something to fap to. The bastard spawn of this shameless cash-in resulted in militaristic teams of bird–people, sea creature-people, insect-people and dinosaur-people, all of which were comparatively short lived. I can’t remember a goddamn thing about any of them, really, other than that the only African American Silverhawk was named “Hotwing”, which is pretty funny by today’s standard for being borderline offensive.
Likelihood of being adapted into a film: 1/10,000Read the rest of this entry →
Goddamnit! Sometimes I get so pissed I just want to smash my face in a sliding glass doors until the paramedics come, and then smash their faces in the door too for interrupting me!
Man, I’ve had enough of this crap. Had it up to here. Now you’re probably wondering. “Just what crap is he tired of, exactly?” Jesus H, man, that’s why I’m writing this you dim bastards. Keep reading and I’ll tell you.
What in the name of all that’s holy would ever, EVER possess someone to leave their home, drive to the movie theater, and exchange perfectly good American currency for tickets to “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”? Seriously, this extended Taco Bell commercial has pulled like 30 million already in it’s first week. It’s not like there aren’t any other good movies to go see! Beverly Hills Chihuahua isn’t even one of those, “so bad it’s good” type things, not by a long shot. It’s wholly unacceptable, in every way. Stupid, dated, racially insensitive in the unfunny way… I mean what the hell is wrong with all of you fucking people? This is why the terrorists hate us, by the way.
So I had this dream the other night in which I was hanging out with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, even though I could give a flying fuck about either of those people. And the whole time, he’s like, “You should eat something”, and she’s all like, “Really, I’m not hungry” and I’m all like, “When in the hell did I stop having dreams about having sex with Angelina Jolie and start having dreams about her goddamn husband scolding her about her eating disorder?” Then I woke up, contemplated suicide, decided it was too much work, ate some week-old leftover Mexican food I found in the fridge and went back to bed. My next dream was about crocodiles or something. I don’t really have any feelings one way or the other about that. Read the rest of this entry →
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by comedian Tommy Savitt! Most guys will tell you that they don’t understand women at all. Many comedians base their routines on the glaring gender differences that we face each day. Not Tommy. Tommy understands the game better than anyone (in his own mind) and prowls the stage with the confidence of a cheetah (with leprosy)! Watch and learn:
Check back soon for more exclusive live stand-up comedy!
Yo, so like, when MongoNation asked me to review the new Buckcherry, I was all like “Dude, bro, fuckin’ Buckcherry riiight? Crazy Bitch! Whoo! Hell yeah! They’re THE SHIT! Fuckin’ A.”
So like it took me kind of awhile to calm the fuck down and like really LISTEN to the album, bro, because it just gets me so fuckin’ PUMPED! Yeah! I had to smoke like a pound of fuckin’ weed and do like 1000 push-ups before I could chill out and like, receive the message, bro.
Me putting up 350 because I am so fucking alpha!
The new Album is called “Black Butterfly”, which is hella deep and shit because butterflys are like hella delicate and shit, but the color black is like hella hard. The first song is called “Rescue Me” and I’m pretty sure that it’s about whipping out your cock and telling some bitch to eat! Fuckin’ alpha, bro. Fuckin’ Buckcherry man. Hella tight. The next song is “Tired of You” and it’s about being tired of some bitch, something that we all have experienced bro. I don’t know about that “Too Drunk To Fuck” song though, dude. That shit ‘ain’t never happened to me bro.
There’s like a sorta faggy song after that about dreams or something but sometimes you gottta have songs like that to get bitches turned on and stuff, they like that sensitive shit. But then Buckcherry makes up for it with the very next song, which is about getting’ pussy, bro. Fuckin’ A!
Check out these sluts making out! That shit is so hot bro!
“A Child Called It” is like about being pissed at your mom or something. This kinda shit makes me lose a little respect for Buckcherry, man, I gotta tell you. I don’t wanna hear about your mom, dude, unless it’s like how big her tits are or how bad she wants to fuck me, bro. You know what I’m saying? Then there’s this song that’s like this real romantic motherfucker, like something you’d play at your wedding if you were gonna like settle down with like one bitch for the rest of your life or whatever. I would never do that but I’m just saying that’s when you would like totally rock this song bro. Read the rest of this entry →
Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.
By Jeremy Azevedo
Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.
Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:
Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)
Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).
Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)
Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →
Luke Lockfeld, Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne, live!
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne (both of whom swear that those are their real names…) and 13-year old comic phenom Luke Lockfeld! It’s just like being at the club, except there’s no 2-drink minumum and instead of sitting at a table with a date, you’re sitting in your mom’s basement at your computer by yourself, wearing a dirty pair of briefs and a bathrobe with dinosaurs on it!
Goddamnit, I can’t believe that half of these mongoloids actually pay someone to make them look like this. I understand that it must be difficult to dress for an award show honoring music videos on a network that doesn’t show music videos…
…Not everyone can pull off the “ironically soulless commercialism” look with a matching fake smile and vapid political statement. Plus, there’s a certain morbidity to celebrating the death of something, violating it’s corpse and then pissing on the memory of it amirite?
Well, attempts were made, most of which ended up in abject failure. To help lighten things up, I’ve gone to the trouble of helping some of these losers make better decisions at their next award show/telethon/coke party or whatever by suggesting a place in which their various terrible outfits might have been more appropriate. Enjoy!
Ludacris is looking kinda like a valet in that get-up. Did Luda “MC Hammer” all his money away already or what?
Pink looks like the top of a goddamn circus tent, no joke.
I’m pretty sure I saw Lindsay Lohan wearing that outfit whilst working the bar at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Read the rest of this entry →
