Yo, so like, when MongoNation asked me to review the new Buckcherry, I was all like “Dude, bro, fuckin’ Buckcherry riiight? Crazy Bitch! Whoo! Hell yeah! They’re THE SHIT! Fuckin’ A.”
So like it took me kind of awhile to calm the fuck down and like really LISTEN to the album, bro, because it just gets me so fuckin’ PUMPED! Yeah! I had to smoke like a pound of fuckin’ weed and do like 1000 push-ups before I could chill out and like, receive the message, bro.
Me putting up 350 because I am so fucking alpha!
The new Album is called “Black Butterfly”, which is hella deep and shit because butterflys are like hella delicate and shit, but the color black is like hella hard. The first song is called “Rescue Me” and I’m pretty sure that it’s about whipping out your cock and telling some bitch to eat! Fuckin’ alpha, bro. Fuckin’ Buckcherry man. Hella tight. The next song is “Tired of You” and it’s about being tired of some bitch, something that we all have experienced bro. I don’t know about that “Too Drunk To Fuck” song though, dude. That shit ‘ain’t never happened to me bro.
There’s like a sorta faggy song after that about dreams or something but sometimes you gottta have songs like that to get bitches turned on and stuff, they like that sensitive shit. But then Buckcherry makes up for it with the very next song, which is about getting’ pussy, bro. Fuckin’ A!
Check out these sluts making out! That shit is so hot bro!
“A Child Called It” is like about being pissed at your mom or something. This kinda shit makes me lose a little respect for Buckcherry, man, I gotta tell you. I don’t wanna hear about your mom, dude, unless it’s like how big her tits are or how bad she wants to fuck me, bro. You know what I’m saying? Then there’s this song that’s like this real romantic motherfucker, like something you’d play at your wedding if you were gonna like settle down with like one bitch for the rest of your life or whatever. I would never do that but I’m just saying that’s when you would like totally rock this song bro. Read the rest of this entry →
Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.
By Jeremy Azevedo
Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.
Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:
Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)
Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).
Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)
Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →
Luke Lockfeld, Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne, live!
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne (both of whom swear that those are their real names…) and 13-year old comic phenom Luke Lockfeld! It’s just like being at the club, except there’s no 2-drink minumum and instead of sitting at a table with a date, you’re sitting in your mom’s basement at your computer by yourself, wearing a dirty pair of briefs and a bathrobe with dinosaurs on it!
Goddamnit, I can’t believe that half of these mongoloids actually pay someone to make them look like this. I understand that it must be difficult to dress for an award show honoring music videos on a network that doesn’t show music videos…
…Not everyone can pull off the “ironically soulless commercialism” look with a matching fake smile and vapid political statement. Plus, there’s a certain morbidity to celebrating the death of something, violating it’s corpse and then pissing on the memory of it amirite?
Well, attempts were made, most of which ended up in abject failure. To help lighten things up, I’ve gone to the trouble of helping some of these losers make better decisions at their next award show/telethon/coke party or whatever by suggesting a place in which their various terrible outfits might have been more appropriate. Enjoy!
Ludacris is looking kinda like a valet in that get-up. Did Luda “MC Hammer” all his money away already or what?
Pink looks like the top of a goddamn circus tent, no joke.
I’m pretty sure I saw Lindsay Lohan wearing that outfit whilst working the bar at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Read the rest of this entry →
The week in news, filtered through Internet Hate Machine!
By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World
Sooooo… Let me see if I have this straight: Notable asshole, multi-millionaire and former guitarist of Gn’R most in need of a haircut from this century is talking shit on the brave, hero blogger “Skwerl” that leaked Chinese Democracy on the Internets awhile back? Seriously?
Slash was quoted recently as saying that the leak “is going to affect the sales of the record, it’s not fair” and that he “hopes he (Skwerl) rots in jail”. WTF? Hurt the sales? WHAT FUCKING SALES, YOU STUPID BASTARD?! THE ALBUM IS NEVER GOING TO FUCKING COME OUT! And since when does Slash give a shit about Axl all of the sudden? He’s been talking shit on him for like 15 years. The same 15 years that Axl has been farting around on the studio working on his mysterious “masterpiece”. When Skwerl posted the tracks, it was like seeing fucking Bigfoot live, in the flesh. If anything, it may have lit a fire under Axl’s ass to actually finish the goddamn record already, so technically, Skwerl has just saved the label untold millions of dollars if you really think about it.
Oh man. This guy is making me so pissed, I need to change the subject before my hands jump through the screen against my will and strangle you as you read this.
The media is having a field day digging up dirt on Sarah Palin because they are all liberals and also because they think women belong in the kitchen and not in the White House… I, for one, think that their investigative efforts are being focused in entirely the wrong direction. I hereby officially declare “Rule 34” on Sara Palin! Rule 34 states that “If it exists, there is porn of it. No Exceptions”. Get to work, leftist America! At least some good may come out of your incongruously woman-hating hippy bullshit agenda!
If you work in the online industry in any capacity, you may have noticed how afraid many advertisers are to move forward with any video project that does not involve some minor TV celebrity in some capacity, no matter how talentless or obscure they may be. Recently, I have been noticing this trend bleeding into my video games, infecting them with fail. Kim Kardashin, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag in “Face Breakers”? A whole goddamn game in which Nelly Furtado and Keith Urban play dodgeball and badminton against LeAnn Rimes and Fergie? Say it ain’t so! Pray to J that this trend gets squashed ASAP, unless you want your future to include paying $75 (adjusted for budget inflation) for a copy of Legend of Zelda starring Brody Jenner or maybe a new Tomb Raider starring Tila Tequila.
The Ghostbusters game, despite being billed as the “official” sequel to the movies, written by and starring the original cast, has been postponed and possibly even cancelled. Then we come to find that the producers of The Office are running their mouths about writing a sequel themselves, probably as a CGI animated movie because Bill Murray won’t do a live action Ghostbusters. So instead of playing a rad CGI game about Ghostbusters written by Ramis and Akroyd, we are expected to settle for watching a bullshit CGI movie by two assholes whose greatest achievement to date has been ripping off a sitcom from BBC television? This better be a lie. If I am denied the joy of pretending that my Wiimote is a particle beam accelerator because of this, I’m going to be good and pissed! Like even more so than usual, I mean.
