Mongo Nation

Feminism? In my video game tapes?

More often than not, female protagonists in video games tend to exist as little more than a shameless attempt to rope in young male audiences looking for cheap thrills (Much like the banner image I used above for this article).But what about those female heroines that transcend the basic law of jiggly tits=$$$? No really, I’m being serious… I’ve even gone so far as to compile a list of the top 10 gaming heroines that are more famous for their contribution to the artform than they are for their propensity for up-skirt cinematography.

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man)

You may have thought that Ms. Pac-Man was nothing more than regular Pac-Man with a bow on his head meant to rope female gamers into playing arcade games, but you would be very wrong sir (or madam). Whatever Pac-Man could do, Ms. Pac-Man could do faster and better. Most old school arcade enthusiasts will tell you that Ms. Pac-Man is just quite simply a smoother and more enjoyable experience than her male predecessor.

Jade (Beyond Good And Evil)

Not many video games star a female journalist struggling to uncover a worldwide military conspiracy using stealth and photography. Jade is probably the best example of a female protagonist being treated with the same respect as a male lead, in one of the best and most under-rated games of all time. Her uncle is a humanoid pig, which is kind of a turnoff, but they’re technically not blood relatives so at least there probably wasn’t any pig-lovin’ in her direct line of lineage. Read the rest of this entry →

Cutting edge or edge of your patience?

By Jeremy Azevedo

One thing that I dislike about racing games is that they tend to always be about “underground” street racing or high-performance track racing.

Not since Midway’s “Super Off Road” have I played a really decent dirt track racer. I’m sure that there have been many, but Baja: Edge of Control is the first I’ve played in quite some time that wasn’t a bare-bones arcade-y affair or an overly technical simulation.

Baja: EOC starts out a little mixed… The difficulty seems incredibly unreasonable at first, and there is no information given about the various cars that you have to choose from other than what they are called and what paint jobs are available. There isn’t really anything resembling a tutorial, and even on the easiest setting the other cars on the track blow you away by a wide margin. Even after upgrading my car to it’s maximum potential, I still struggled to place in the early races. And then something just clicked. Once I got the hang of managing my speed around turns, popping the clutch for an acceleration boost after a powerslide and pre-loading my shocks before a jump, it was a whole new game. What I’m saying is that the learning curve is a real motherf**ker. Read the rest of this entry →

Capcom shoryukens the rumors once and for all..?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Any Street Fighter fan worth his or her weight in hadoukens should remember the classic 1992 EGM prank about unlocking Ryu and Ken’s legendary master “Sheng Long” in Street Fighter 2…

While it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke, gamers have (for some unknowable reason) never been able to banish Sheng Long from their imaginations.

The original prank in all it’s nerd-busting glory:

Now we have word that Sheng Long will finally make an appearance as a secret playable character in Street Fighter 4! Is this some kind of Japanese “September Fool’s” prank or the ultimate fan service? We have uncovered some official looking art, as well as received this suspiciously mischievious comment from SFIV Project manager, Natsumi Shiozawa:

Hello everyone!
Its been so busy here lately, I’m beginning to become a bit absent-minded here.

Today, I am glad to introduce you to a Hidden Character in Street Fighter IV.
Actually, I wish I could formally announce this information, but I can’t show that much yet so this will have to suffice… sorry!

Feast your eyes on this!
This is one Street Fighter IV’s Secret, Unlock-able Characters, Sheng Long!

Though… it’s been blacked-out and a little hard to see.
(I’m the one who blacked it out.)

(Cont’d)

Basically, you can see his long hair tied-up, his bulging muscles, and what he’s wearing. You get the idea.
Looks pretty strong, huh?
He should be! After all, Sheng Long is Ryu’s…
You’ll have to wait until an official character announcement is made for more information.

However, since this I did post this with the title “Secret Unlock-able Characters”, I couldn’t post this without telling you guys something.
For now, I’ll give you a hint on the whole “secret unlock-able” part.

1. Select Ryu as your character.
2. Win every round with a perfect until the last boss fight.
3. During the boss fight, perform a Shoryuken…

Oops, I’ve said too much!

Those who are quick to catch on should be able to do this no problem.
However, since the legendary character Sheng Long is about to come out, I won’t get away with this that easily…
But, this isn’t the game’s only secret though.

From the beginning, Sheng-Long hasn’t been the only planned secret character.
As I wrote the other day, the release is approaching its final stretch and I will be bringing you as much new information that I can.
What?! There’s going to be a special update?!

Don’t miss it!

Hmmm… Seems a bit fishy…

The image above is supposedly a leaked screenshot of Sheng Long, even though any idiot can see it is just a sloppy re-coloring of Ryu by some junior-level photoshooper…

So what do you think? Is this for real or have we been duped again? As awesome as this would be, my own personal bullshit meter is leaning hard toward the latter…

Capcom’s retro fan service is awesome!

By Jeremy Azevedo

If you would’ve told me a year ago that I’d be playing a new classic 8-bit NES Mega Man game on my Wii today, I’d tell you that was crazy talk, and that you’ve been spending too much time with disgraced series villain, “Crystal Man”.

Apparently, someone over at Capcom listens to crazy talk and put together another great piece of fan service on the heels of last months “Bionic Commando” remake. Mega Man 9 looks, sounds and plays just like old-school Mega Man, before all the graphical changes and charge busters and secret characters and other bullcrap that would eventually obscure the series’ greatness. In true retro fashion, you must battle 8 renegade robots with specific strengths and weaknesses, take their weapons, and eventually take the battle to Dr. Wiley who is almost certainly behind it all!

Mega Man and Splash Woman, the first ever female evil robot master.

The first thing you notice, besides the colorful, charmingly familiar 80s style graphics, is the incredibly awesome music. Classic Mega Man games were known for their rocking midi-based music and steep challenge, and this one is no different. You will probably find yourself surprisingly slow at first when it comes to twitch action and platforming, something that has been absent from most modern games.

Another thing that the original Mega Man games were known for was the great characters and weapons. This roster, which includes Concrete, Jewel, Plug, Hornet, Magma and Galaxy Man, also includes the first female robot master, Splash Woman. Because the mega slide and charge buster have been removed, the earlier games reliance on utilizing the robot master’s weapons has returned, which makes the game quite a bit more strategic.

The fruitiest Mega Man screen-shot of all time.

Even if you are not old enough to have enjoyed these games back in the day, you should really experience what essentially feels like a lost classic from another era. There is even an option that simulates old-fashion slowdown and screen flicker! If this is the kind of thing that we can expect from publishers as a result of digital distribution, then we are certainly in for some wonderful surprises in the coming years.

Mega Man 9 is available now for the Wii, September 25th for PSN and October 1st for XBLA for about $10 on all platforms!

Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.

Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:

Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)

Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).

Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)

Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →

The week in news, filtered through Internet Hate Machine!

By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World

Sooooo… Let me see if I have this straight: Notable asshole, multi-millionaire and former guitarist of Gn’R most in need of a haircut from this century is talking shit on the brave, hero blogger “Skwerl” that leaked Chinese Democracy on the Internets awhile back? Seriously?

Slash was quoted recently as saying that the leak “is going to affect the sales of the record, it’s not fair” and that he “hopes he (Skwerl) rots in jail”. WTF? Hurt the sales? WHAT FUCKING SALES, YOU STUPID BASTARD?! THE ALBUM IS NEVER GOING TO FUCKING COME OUT! And since when does Slash give a shit about Axl all of the sudden? He’s been talking shit on him for like 15 years. The same 15 years that Axl has been farting around on the studio working on his mysterious “masterpiece”. When Skwerl posted the tracks, it was like seeing fucking Bigfoot live, in the flesh. If anything, it may have lit a fire under Axl’s ass to actually finish the goddamn record already, so technically, Skwerl has just saved the label untold millions of dollars if you really think about it.

Oh man. This guy is making me so pissed, I need to change the subject before my hands jump through the screen against my will and strangle you as you read this.

The media is having a field day digging up dirt on Sarah Palin because they are all liberals and also because they think women belong in the kitchen and not in the White House… I, for one, think that their investigative efforts are being focused in entirely the wrong direction. I hereby officially declare “Rule 34” on Sara Palin! Rule 34 states that “If it exists, there is porn of it. No Exceptions”. Get to work, leftist America! At least some good may come out of your incongruously woman-hating hippy bullshit agenda!

If you work in the online industry in any capacity, you may have noticed how afraid many advertisers are to move forward with any video project that does not involve some minor TV celebrity in some capacity, no matter how talentless or obscure they may be. Recently, I have been noticing this trend bleeding into my video games, infecting them with fail. Kim Kardashin, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag in “Face Breakers”? A whole goddamn game in which Nelly Furtado and Keith Urban play dodgeball and badminton against LeAnn Rimes and Fergie? Say it ain’t so! Pray to J that this trend gets squashed ASAP, unless you want your future to include paying $75 (adjusted for budget inflation) for a copy of Legend of Zelda starring Brody Jenner or maybe a new Tomb Raider starring Tila Tequila.

The Ghostbusters game, despite being billed as the “official” sequel to the movies, written by and starring the original cast, has been postponed and possibly even cancelled. Then we come to find that the producers of The Office are running their mouths about writing a sequel themselves, probably as a CGI animated movie because Bill Murray won’t do a live action Ghostbusters. So instead of playing a rad CGI game about Ghostbusters written by Ramis and Akroyd, we are expected to settle for watching a bullshit CGI movie by two assholes whose greatest achievement to date has been ripping off a sitcom from BBC television? This better be a lie. If I am denied the joy of pretending that my Wiimote is a particle beam accelerator because of this, I’m going to be good and pissed! Like even more so than usual, I mean.

Hugs,
The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World