I can think of a few things…

By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World

We live in a sick, sad world, in which people do the sorts of things that would make Caligula blush on a daily basis.

Despite the fact that there are numerous other things that should warrant our immediate attention, there are countless people willing to instead devote obscene amounts of time and money toward deciding whether or not certain people can legally get hitched. True story!

Two gay people getting married is hardly shocking or inappropriate next to the laundry list of horrible, reprehensible and criminal acts perpetrated by our fellow men and women upon us on a regular basis.

To further illustrate this point, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of things that are significantly worse than gay marriage, but are not necessarily illegal (though they should be):

Having sex with a robot

Seriously, how is it not okay for a couple of gay men or women to get married when there’s people out there having sex with robots? At least a gay couple probably love one another. But a robot? Merely trading sexual favors for electricity and general maintenance my friend. Turn your back on your robo-mistress for one minute and she’ll be sucking off the next guy with a working electrical outlet faster than you can say 011101011011110101.

The new Chris Cornell/Timbaland album

Seriously dude, if your going to have an embarrassing mid-life crisis, do it on your own time. Read the rest of this entry →

Dilated Peoples, Michael Franti & Spearhead, more!

By Jeremy Azevedo

You’re in luck, because this months free MP3s are so rad, it’s like Christmas came early this year!

Or, you know, Hannaukau… or Kwanza or whatever, I don’t know. What do Scientologists celebrate? Thetan day?

(Sigh…)

It really doesn’t matter, never mind. You get the point. If I had to assign a visual reference to these songs, it would be this picture of Robocop Riding a unicorn:

What more do you really need to know?

Artist: Mindless Self Indulgence
Song: Never Wanted to Dance

Mindless Self Indulgence has been one of the premiere punk/electronica groups for over ten years now… partly because they’re one of the only punk/electronica groups anyone ha ever heard of, but also due to their incredibly awesome live performance and aggressively offensive lyrical content.

Never Wanted to Dance

Artist: Dilated Peoples
Song: The Last Is First

DJ Babu, Alchemist, Iriscience and Evidence return to shake up the underground one more time. While mainstream success continues to elude them, Dilated Peoples remain heroes of the club scene and forebearers of hipster-hop.

The Last Is First

Artist: Early Man
Song: Sinking the Blade

Stoner metal in the vein of Black Sabbath and The Sword, Early Man is one of the most exciting bands leading the charge of 70s style metal bands currently tearing up arenas everywhere.

Sinking the Blade

Artist: Jake One
Song: The Truth feat. Freeway and Brother Ali

Having spent the last few years producing for mainstream acts like 50 Cent, E-40 and Nas, Jake One’s first solo album is out on White Van/Rhymesayers, bridging the gap between the Seattle and Minneapolis underground and the already established LA/NY clicks.

The Truth feat. Freeway and Brother Ali

Read the rest of this entry →

This is the single greatest thing I have seen since the last greatest thing I saw some time last week. You should see it too:

New “Frisky Dingo” spin-off premiers

By Jeremy Azevedo

Last night was the premiere, of “The Xtacles”, a new show on Cartoon Network’s popular late night Adult Swim program. Xtacles is a spin off of Frisky Dingo, from Matt Thompson and Adam Reed, creators of Sealab 2021.

At the end of Season 2 of Frisky Dingo, billionare playboy/superhero and leader of the Xtacles, Xander Crews (sort of a cross between Tony Stark and Tom Cruise at his gayest) vacates the planet for good (?) leaving his army of quite possibly retarded cybernetic super soldiers without a leader.

Enter President Stan, the megalomaniac President of the United States who seeks to manipulate the Xtacles to become his own private army… Which doesn’t prove to be too difficult because they’re often drunk by 11AM and spend most of their day sexually harassing their foxy holographic supercomputer, A.L.E.X.

Xtacles is voice acted by some awesome talent, including Marshall Bell, Rachel Harris and Michael Ian Black. The humor is very similar to that of Sealab 2021, very bizarre and generally centering on events that spiral completely out of control due to the overwhelming stupidity of the characters. For those that found Sealab a bit lacking after the real life death of Harry Goz (Captain Murphy), Xtacles serves as a second chance for the humor that made the original show so great.

Check out the premiere episode of the Xtacles on AdultSwim.com and be sure to catch new episodes at midnight, Sunday nights on the Cartoon Network.

Back to the future

By Ted Hucklebuck

Back when the first of the four planned Futurama features, “Bender’s Big Score” debuted, we were on the red carpet to interview the cast and crew. Tress MacNeillie, whose role was relatively small in the first film, alluded to a future movie in which her character, Mom, held a pivotal role.

A year later, we find that “Bender’s Game” is that movie, in which the Planet Express gang is on a vengeful suicide mission to destroy Mom’s supply of dark matter (the future version of crude oil) with an “anti-backwards crystal” (long story), purely out of spite.

In typical Futurama/Simpsons fashion, the “B story” intersects with the main plot when Bender discovers, through the Cheeto-stained wonders of Dungeons and Dragons, that he has an imagination. This, of course, causes Bender to go batshit crazy and drag everybody into his whimsical, imaginary world: “Cornwood, home of the Fancy Men” (Giving us a welcome break from the show’s usual future theme while he’s at it).

Deviating from the tired formula of Fry/Leela love stories and Bender’s alcoholism, we are instead treated to something resembling a psychedelic “Lord of the Rings” spoof. Nerd fan service is in full effect here, but the comedy is also spot on. Imagine if “Family Guy” referenced pop culture that people were actually aware of instead of trying to think of the most obscure 80s footnote possible, and you have some idea of what you’re in for.

Compared to the previous two Futurama movies, “Bender’s Game” is both the strangest and the most conventional. The first two movies had plotlines that sort of dovetailed one another, whereas “Bender’s Game” is completely a stand-alone story. Additionally, there are no songs or major guest stars present, which is a plus for some, a minus for others. I recommend that if you haven’t already seen the first two films, that you at least check this one out. And if you are one of those Magic the Gathering, D&D dorks, then I’m afraid I must insist that you watch “Bender’s Game”, if for no other reason than that it skewers you so deservedly (though not nearly as mercilessly as South park did to the WOW nerds a few months back).

Score: 8 out of 10
+1 sword of infinite slaying
-12 hit points! You are now afflicted with Sleep!

By Tom Oatmeal

Who left the warehouse unlocked!?

Hi there. If you’re like me, it’s hard to tell when things are really happening or if you are just watching a movie. Because of that, I’ve answered some common questions that will help you keep the world of movies separate from your reality, which I’m told is healthy. Pay attention and your life can be fun and enjoyable, just like in that movie where I had sex with my neighbor’s wife while he was at the gym.

Question #1: Is it ever okay to let a monkey play an organized sport like baseball?

Absolutely not. Though many great films have been made where a monkey enhances a team’s performance and improves locker room morale, such a coaching strategy is best left to fiction. Not only does it undermine the long hours and hard work that goes into scouting human players, putting a monkey into a baseball game can be unpredictable and dangerous. Without intensive training, most primates are completely unable to understand the sport they are being asked to play and thus, cannot be expected to contribute in a safe and constructive way. For example, if a monkey is assigned to play third base, instead of fielding a ground ball and throwing it to first, he will probably opt to throw his shit into the crowd and then try to bite off the shortstop’s testicles because he feels threatened by his gender. Having to sedate or kill an out of control monkey in front of thousands of baseball fans is bad for business even on giveaway nights.

Question #2: I’m a pretty well respected Reverend and I’m thinking about banning dancing in my town. Should I?

First off, I’d check and see if your status as Reverend even makes you eligible to manipulate laws. I don’t think it does. However, in the event that you can, I would still advise against it. The act of trying to regulate a ban on a loosely defined action like “dancing” would be enough to make your head spin. Even if you got it out of local gymnasiums, dancers can be incredibly resourceful and would likely make use of nearly any other indoor facility. That crazy new kid in town with all the dance moves could easily drive out to some empty warehouse and dance all over the place. Even if you ask the warehouse foreman to make sure the place is dance-proof when he leaves for the night, what exactly does that mean? Sure, covering the hard floors with a layer of carpeting will guard against tap and break dancing, what about interpretive dance? That style is hard enough to define, let alone ban. Is running really fast and then jumping or swinging from a loose chain from one warehouse platform to another considered “dancing?” Personally I don’t think it is, but do you think that matters to the rebellious youth screwing around in your warehouse? I understand that you believe it’s a slippery slope. One minute kids are dancing and the next minute they’re thinking, “Hey! Let’s try rape now.” Trust me though: A ban on dancing is not an issue that you want to touch. Also, don’t be mad at me, but I think that new kid is having sex with your daughter. Read the rest of this entry →

Casting begins for a live action Aqua Teen episode

Anberlin on the modern face of the music biz

We sat down with Stephen Christian and Deon Rexroat of the rock band “Anberlin” at the Hollywood Avalon to talk to them about their latest album, “New Surrender”, and their move to a bigger label. We also got some insight into their opinions regarding music downloading, the state of the music industry and what goes on backstage… Check out the video and see for yourself!

“The Scoop” is part of a new regularly occurring interview show, only on CraveOnline!

A Helpful Guide To Self-Identification

By Moses Amadeus

You may have noticed, while perusing the interwebs of late, that much is being made of this whole “hipster” fad that is sweeping the nation…

To some, this is a shocking revelation. To others, it’s old news. But for young people on either side of that fence, one glaring question rears it’s stylishly keffiyah’d head:

Am I a hipster?

Fact: To a hipster, the actual word “hipster” is as offensive as the “N-word” is to a black person (though like black people, they are allowed to use the word as a reference to one another). This makes it difficult to identify hipsters, as they are about as likely to self-identify as they are to wear a Members Only jacket without the requisite irony that comes along with it. So in order to know whether or not you are a hipster, you must first try and understand what a hipster actually is.

Are any of these guys hipsters? Not if you ask them they’re not. And yet…

In a recent article in AdBusters, Douglas Haddow (who I suspect is himself a closet hipster; he writes on anti-consumerist blog after all. Hipsters love to pretend to hate corporations!) described hipsters as:

“An artificial appropriation of different styles from different eras, the hipster represents the end of Western civilization – a culture lost in the superficiality of its past and unable to create any new meaning. Not only is it unsustainable, it is suicidal. While previous youth movements have challenged the dysfunction and decadence of their elders, today we have the “hipster” – a youth subculture that mirrors the doomed shallowness of mainstream society.”

Essentially, what Doug is saying is that hipsters are the cancer that is killing “Cool”… That they are cannibals of fashion and culture with no discernible socio-political agenda, and that they are incapable or giving birth to anything new or original. But how did they get this way, and how does this help us to identify them?

Hipster fashion is quite broad, and yet you still know one when you see one.

Haddow goes on to say:

“Hipsterdom is the first “counterculture” to be born under the advertising industry’s microscope, leaving it open to constant manipulation but also forcing its participants to continually shift their interests and affiliations. Less a subculture, the hipster is a consumer group – using their capital to purchase empty authenticity and rebellion. But the moment a trend, band, sound, style or feeling gains too much exposure, it is suddenly looked upon with disdain. Hipsters cannot afford to maintain any cultural loyalties or affiliations for fear they will lose relevance.”

Ok. So basically, a hipster is an agent of the man, an unwitting accomplice of a runaway capitalist system that sells them the very things that they believe make them a part of the “counterculture”, an enemy of the “faceless corporate empires” that are enslaving the rest of humanity (Like Apple, a hipster favorite). This would explain how they are duped into buying Pabst Blue Ribbon and V-neck shirts, longtime symbols of the working class. The working class enjoys these things because a 6-pack of Pabst generally costs around five dollars, and V-neck shirts, the less popular cousin to the crew-neck shirt, are sold in packs of 4 or 5 for around 13-25 dollars. This fact will be used for our first litmus test: Read the rest of this entry →

Better start sending out those Christmas wish lists…

By Jeremy Azevedo

The gaming industry is throwing everything they’ve got at us this holiday season, with so many good games on the way that most gamers may never get a chance to play them all. (Not that this will stop me from at least trying…)

Hopefully this won’t cause the more “indie” titles to be completely lost in the shuffle, but then, any indie publisher willing to go head to head with Gears of War 2 and Resistance 2 probably deserves whatever they get, amitire? Oh, and For you Wii owners out there, I hope you’re having fun with Wii Music because there isn’t much of anything else coming out anytime soon. Big surprise, eh?

Gears of War 2

System: Xbox 360
Release date: 11/07

Fans of the original smash-hit shooter will be pleased to find more of the same, albeit with bigger bosses, slightly tighter controls and visuals, and a much improved online multiplayer mode. The story is still set firmly in the Michael Bay mold of big explosions and dialogue spoken in grunts, but when the game looks and plays this good, who cares? If you live in Australia, Germany or Japan, don’t hold your breath for this one, as GOW2 promises to be incredibly violent and will almost certainly be banned there.

Tomb Raider: Underworld

System: Mutli-Platform
Release date: 11/18

Lara Croft may have finally achieved a complete 360 from awesome to unacceptable, then back to awesome again. Gone are all the sluggish mechanics and lame combat of previous titles, replaced instead with more of the exploration and sense of discovery that made the original so memorable. Well, that and the tiny, cleavage-baring costumes. Expect more God of War-style set pieces and more of an emphasis on actually raiding tombs in this sequel. Read the rest of this entry →