Shoot Down Your Girlfriend’s Sex-cuses!
How to overcome the most frequent objections to sex.
 By Chest Rockwell |
So I was watching Mike Judge’s “Extract” the other day… Early on, there’s a scene in which the main character, Joel (played by Jason Bateman), details his wife’s propensity to “close the doors to the candy shop” by donning a pair of sweatpants promptly at 8pm each and every night. |
These sweatpants are effectively a chastity belt for which there is no key. I think this is something we’ve all experienced at some time or another, but why do we put up with it? I’ll bet that the when you started seeing your girlfriend exclusively, you thought the days of sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow would never end. It must come as some surprise to you then, that you increasingly find yourself to be the recipient of all manner of anti-sex excuses.
It doesn’t matter how hot the relationship started out, once a female has commitment, you can set your watch and warrant that the express train to Pink Town will be making significantly fewer stops as days go by.
Whatever you do, don’t give in to this!
We’ve heard all the excuses before, believe me, and since we’re no longer allowed to possess Rohypnol due to a court appointed order, we’ve compiled a list of those excuses that are the most common and the most effective ways to combat them. Have a look, and be prepared the next time your cow refuses to provide the milk that you bought it for in the first place!
Excuse: “I’m just not in the mood right now”
Counter: Get her in the mood. Light some scented candles (or incense if she’s, like, a hippy or whatever), put on some sexy music, and do that thing where you spin your peen0r around in front of you like a helicopter. Chicks love that.
Excuse: “I feel fat”
Counter: “Oh yeah?” (Place her hands firmly on your own ass) “…But how do I feel?”
Excuse: “I have a headache”
Counter: Give her some “medical” marijuana. This will serve three purposes:
- It’ll dull the pain of her headache
- It’ll lower her inhibitions
- Marijuana makes chicks horny. Why? The hell if I know! What do i look like, a scientist?
Excuse: “I have to get up early in the morning”
Counter: Whip out your cock and exclaim, “Morning? I’m up right now!”
Excuse: “I’m way too drunk”
Counter: It’s now or never. Tomorrow she’s gonna be too hungover to even try. Give her a breath mint, a glass of water with a packet of Emergen-C in it, and some kind of stimulant (coke, speed, Mountain Dew, whatever you have laying around should do the trick). If all else fails, wait until she falls asleep… then call up one of her friends!
Excuse: “I’m on my period”
Counter: “I’ll put some garbage bags down on the bed and wear a surgical mask. I’ll pretend I’m doing surgery on you. It’s like role-playing.”
Excuse: “I’m tired from work”
Counter: “Well, just lay there and I’ll do all the work…on your box!” (Now go for the high five. Classic!)
Excuse: “I’m still sore from last night”
Counter: I get this one all the time. Suggest trying a different orifice!
Excuse: “I was the victim of sexual assault at a young age”
Counter: “So was I. Clearly, we’re made for each other.”
Excuse: “The baby is crying”
Counter: Throw a soundproof blanket over the crib. If you don’t have a soundproof blanket handy, put the baby outside until you are finished. Or better yet, place the baby at the foot of the bed. It’ll be just like one of those bouncy castles that you see at birthday parties!
Excuse: “I haven’t shaved”
Counter: Bust out the lady Bic or, if there isn’t one handy, a (preferably clean!) steak knife and get to work. That lawn isn’t going to mow itself!
Excuse: “You’re not supposed to be within 1,000 yards of me according to the restraining order”
Counter: Respectfully bow out. Go around the corner and put on a disguise (fake mustaches, nerd glasses, chef hat, whatever’s handy). Then come back and try again!
nice work and good advice. I’ll have to print this up to combat the pesky GF and her moods.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:25 pm