Mongo Nation

How to slay babes, when you’re not already busy slaying dragons.

By Chest Rockwell

Bioware is no stranger to inviting controversy by including sexual subjects in their games. Mass Effect, for instance,  received a great deal of attention for scenes depicting your character getting lucky with a hot alien space babe.

This was, of course, dutifully blown out of proportion by an evangelical blogger who described the game as a “‘over the net virtual orgasmic rape simulator” or something along those lines.If that dude had actually played Mass Effect, he’d know that those scenes were tame in comparison to those in Dragon Age Origins!

In all seriousness, the sex scenes in this game are actually nowhere near “Hot Coffee” levels of smuttiness. They are, however, quite prevalent and not particularly gender-specific in most cases. There is even a cathouse in Denerim in which you can score with any manner of man, woman, animal or object for the low, low price of 40 silver. (Or 30 if you negotiate!)

Dragon Age: Tiger Woods Edition

But why pay for it when you can get it for free from your teammates? Especially when you get achievements for doing so? We’ve played the game enough to know how and when to unsheath our sword and with whom, and now we will impart that wisdom to you. Just know that there are some major PLOT SPOILERS involved, so if you’re just starting out in the game you might want to bookmark this guide for later.

Your trusty lusty companions, in alphabetical order:

Alistair

Alistair is the one potential sex partner that will only bed a female lead character. (Even if she’s a dwarf, which is totally gross.) Although, I do recall having a conversation with him at one time about “licking lamp posts in the winter time” or something like that, for which I find him highly suspect. Be that as it may, this virginal templar will only let a lady Warden pop his cherry. You can accomplish this by being nice to him, pretending to enjoy his lame jokes and generally looking the other way every time he does something vaguely cowardly.

Preferred gifts:

• Alistair’s Mother’s Amulet
• Duncan’s Shield
• Statuettes and runestones
• MC Hammer CDs

Dog (Barkspawn)

WTF are you some kind of pervert? You can’t have sex with the dog.

Preferred gifts:

• Bones
• Yarn
• Holiday sweaters

Leliana

Just like every girl that grew up under religious circumstances, Leliana is a huge slut. She will get it on with you regardless of your gender or class, and can even be talked into a threesome with your character, Zevran and Isabella the Duelist at The Pearl. It’s like Catholic school all over again.

Preferred gifts:

• Anything that says “Andraste” on it.
• Shoes
• Holy stuff
• Critters

Morrigan

Morrigan a bit of a cock tease, really. She’ll make out with you and stuff the moment you make it to camp, but she won’t go all the way until you slay her mom or do a bunch of evil shit in front of her to impress her. Also, you have to give her like a ton of jewelry while simultaneously abusing her verbally. In this respect, she is probably the closest thing to a real woman that any of you dorks will ever interact with, so enjoy it while it lasts and take some notes while you’re at it, Poindexter.

Preferred gifts:

• Grimoires
• Jewelry, lockets, mirrors, combs
• Gift certificate to Hot Topic

Oghren

Yeah, Oghren is a bit of a drinker. So don’t expect too much from him.

Preferred gifts:

• Booze
• Hooch
• Liquor
• Booster seat

Shale

Believe it or not, Shale is actually female. But she’s also made of solid granite, so a hell of a lot of good that will do you. Golems only put out if your “control rod” is in working order, which, as you know, yours is not. (In the game I mean, lol!)

Preferred gifts:

• Stones
• Rocks
• Fruity Pebbles

Sten

Scientists from the Barbazon hair college of Fereldan have theorized that the reason Qunari are so pissed all the time is because they don’t have a peen0r. Additionally, there is no such thing as a female Qunari, as they replicate asexually. So basically, it just ain’t happenin’ with this one.

Preferred gifts:

• Paintings
• That sword he keeps bitching about losing
• Build-a-Bear gift certificate

Wynne

Wynne is totally old and consequently, not down to bone. It probably doesn’t help that she’s possessed by some kind of fruity love and healing spirit that’d probably rather just “snuggle” all night in front of the campfire or some crap like that. It’s too bad, because under her armor, she has the exact same busty body model as Leliana, Morrigan, and every other human female character in the game.

Preferred gifts:

• Books
• Wine
• Scrolls
• A Snuggie

Zevran

This dude will f**k anything. If you have him in your party, you’ll be hard pressed to stop him from having sex with you, whether you are human, elf, dwarf, male, female, or a shape shifting gay bear/spider thing. Seriously.

Preferred gifts:

• Elf clothes
• Money
• A Fleshlight