Mongo Nation

How to overcome the most frequent objections to sex.

By Chest Rockwell

So I was watching Mike Judge’s “Extract” the other day… Early on, there’s a scene in which the main character, Joel (played by Jason Bateman), details his wife’s propensity to “close the doors to the candy shop” by donning a pair of sweatpants promptly at 8pm each and every night.

These sweatpants are effectively a chastity belt for which there is no key. I think this is something we’ve all experienced at some time or another, but why do we put up with it? I’ll bet that the when you started seeing your girlfriend exclusively, you thought the days of sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow would never end. It must come as some surprise to you then, that you increasingly find yourself to be the recipient of all manner of anti-sex excuses.

It doesn’t matter how hot the relationship started out, once a female has commitment, you can set your watch and warrant that the express train to Pink Town will be making significantly fewer stops as days go by.

Whatever you do, don’t give in to this!

We’ve heard all the excuses before, believe me, and since we’re no longer allowed to possess Rohypnol due to a court appointed order, we’ve compiled a list of those excuses that are the most common and the most effective ways to combat them. Have a look, and be prepared the next time your cow refuses to provide the milk that you bought it for in the first place!

Excuse: “I’m just not in the mood right now”

Counter: Get her in the mood. Light some scented candles (or incense if she’s, like, a hippy or whatever), put on some sexy music, and do that thing where you spin your peen0r around in front of you like a helicopter. Chicks love that.

Excuse: “I feel fat”

Counter: “Oh yeah?” (Place her hands firmly on your own ass) “…But how do I feel?”

Excuse: “I have a headache”

Counter: Give her some “medical” marijuana. This will serve three purposes:

1. It’ll dull the pain of her headache
2. It’ll lower her inhibitions
3. Marijuana makes chicks horny. Why? The hell if I know! What do i look like, a scientist?

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Introducing “Dr. House”!

It’s about time for a new season of our favorite animated puppet show about grown men playing with dolls on national television, Robot Chicken! Season 4 is out on DVD December 15, and we have acquired an exclusive clip of an animatic that did not make it into the final program. Was their decision to shelve “Dr. House” a sound one, or did the writers totally blow it? Check out the clip and decide for yourself:

Robot Chicken Season 4 digs deep into the pop culture subconscious of 30 year old man-children to bring Gobots, Munchichis, Punky Brewster, The Dark Crystal, Snorks, and even PaRappa the Rapper to life… only to be torn asunder, set on fire, dry humped by a robot, run over, blown apart or otherwise publicly humiliated in some manner.

Robot Chicken airs at midnight, Monday through Friday on Adult Swim! Robot Chicken: Season 4 on DVD is available Dcember 15! Snakes don’t have arms, so no one ever gives them vests for Christmas! Vampires are real! All of the above statements are true except one!

New arenas and a “bank” feature to be included

By Jeremy Azevedo

Not that there was ever any question that Borderlands was directly influenced by the Mad Max series, but this new DLC, “Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot” sounds like the video game version of “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”. And that’s a very good thing. But it’s not the only good thing about it!

The new DLC, like last month’s “The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned’, will retail for about 800 Microsoft points (or 10 earth dollars). And although the level cap will not be raised, there will be a couple extra skill points that you can acquire for your character, which may give you a bit of an edge in the arena. (Unless you’re playing as Brick or Roland, in which case, all the skill points in the world aren’t going to help you against Mordecai’s cheap-ass bird.) But best of all is the inclusion of a “bank”, in which you can store some of the 1337 gear you’ve been hoarding all this time! Sweetness!

“Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot” will challenge players to fight in three “Riot Mode” arenas against waves of Pandora’s most badass monsters and raiders. It probably goes without saying that this will be a nearly impossible undertaking as a single player, so you’d probably better gather a team for this one.

Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot will be available for download on XBLA and PSN December 29th, 2009.

How to slay babes, when you’re not already busy slaying dragons.

By Chest Rockwell

Bioware is no stranger to inviting controversy by including sexual subjects in their games. Mass Effect, for instance,  received a great deal of attention for scenes depicting your character getting lucky with a hot alien space babe.

This was, of course, dutifully blown out of proportion by an evangelical blogger who described the game as a “‘over the net virtual orgasmic rape simulator” or something along those lines.If that dude had actually played Mass Effect, he’d know that those scenes were tame in comparison to those in Dragon Age Origins!

In all seriousness, the sex scenes in this game are actually nowhere near “Hot Coffee” levels of smuttiness. They are, however, quite prevalent and not particularly gender-specific in most cases. There is even a cathouse in Denerim in which you can score with any manner of man, woman, animal or object for the low, low price of 40 silver. (Or 30 if you negotiate!)

Dragon Age: Tiger Woods Edition

But why pay for it when you can get it for free from your teammates? Especially when you get achievements for doing so? We’ve played the game enough to know how and when to unsheath our sword and with whom, and now we will impart that wisdom to you. Just know that there are some major PLOT SPOILERS involved, so if you’re just starting out in the game you might want to bookmark this guide for later.

Your trusty lusty companions, in alphabetical order:

Alistair

Alistair is the one potential sex partner that will only bed a female lead character. (Even if she’s a dwarf, which is totally gross.) Although, I do recall having a conversation with him at one time about “licking lamp posts in the winter time” or something like that, for which I find him highly suspect. Be that as it may, this virginal templar will only let a lady Warden pop his cherry. You can accomplish this by being nice to him, pretending to enjoy his lame jokes and generally looking the other way every time he does something vaguely cowardly.

Preferred gifts:

• Alistair’s Mother’s Amulet
• Duncan’s Shield
• Statuettes and runestones
• MC Hammer CDs

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Maybe the best paring of video game elements since turtles and plumbers?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Brink is shaping up to be the “Sylar” of video games. Brink finds the one thing that makes other games special, takes it for it’s own and shapes it into a single more powerful entity.

Published by Bethesda, Brink takes the post-apocalyptic setting and depth of back-story from the Fallout series. From Call of Duty, Brink takes intense multiplayer action and tight FPS gameplay.

Brink Security

From Borderlands, Brink takes RPG character development and synchronized single player/multiplayer gameplay. And from Left For Dead it takes the ability to choose sides. Lastly, add the free flowing freedom of movement found in Mirror’s Edge and you’ve got a monster of a game on your hands.

Brink Resistance

In the following videos, Game Director Paul Wedgwood walks us through a typical gameplay scenario to show us all these various influences and mechanics at work. Most notable of all is the ability to dynamically move through the environment without impediment, as evidenced in last week’s “Smart” preview.

Brink: Container City Part 1

Also worth noting, however, is the ability to drop in and out of multiplayer sessions, as well as the ability to change character classes and weapon load-outs on the fly. Brink adapts to your play style by offering different ways to meet your objectives, with a unique risk/reward system that you can utilize to level up your character’s stats and skills.

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