Mongo Nation

The holidays are coming, and with them, the burden of “Secret Santa” exchanges, greedy relatives that you barely even know and girlfriends that you meant to break up with around Thanksgiving but chickened out. And now you have to get presents for all these assholes. Sucks to be you! Or maybe, just maybe, this year it sucks to be them?

This year, we’re going to suggest that you give yourself the greatest gift of all: The gift of revenge. Why not give those jerkoffs a present that lets them know how you really feel? For those of you that are creatively bankrupt, here’s a few suggestion:

A hilariously taxidermied sculpture made out of your friend’s beloved house pet.

Imagine your friend’s delight when they see their favorite cat/dog/hamster dressed like a skier, or pushing a shopping cart, or even riding a bicycle! Now imagine their horror when they realize that the aforementioned house pet is stuffed and dipped in formaldehyde!

A homicidal robot with a shitty attitude, disguised as a Roomba.

I’m guessing that the recipient of this gift is a disgusting slob, so it’ll probably be like three months before they actually turn this thing on. Waiting for the payoff will damn near drive you crazy. But it’ll totally be worth it when the next time they leave their house, they do it in a garbage bag, lol!

A homemade video of yourself nailing your friend’s girlfriend.

This is actually kind of a nice gift. For starters, they’ll know what a little tramp their girlfriend is. Plus, they’ll have her on video in case they forget what she looks like naked or whatever. Best of all, they can blackmail her if she has any money or anything! You know what? Forget it, just keep this one for yourself!

Vintage 1970s television, with Gary Coleman tucked neatly inside of it.

Here’s another gift that seems pretty cool, until you realize that Diff’rent Strokes was never really that great of a show. And obviously, all that’s ever on your Gary Coleman TV are re-runs of Diff’rent Strokes, with Gary Coleman playing all of the parts. Additionally, properly feeding and caring for a Gary Coleman isn’t much of a treat, either. He’s allergic to everything but fresh Maine lobster, and he requires a daily sponge bath such that he’s physically trapped inside of the TV set. Still, it’ll be a great conversation piece at parties your friend throws but nobody goes to!

A really awesome gun, except that it was used in a crime recently and has your friend’s fingerprints all over it.

This is the gift that keeps on giving… jail time! Seriously, your friend is going to be serving consecutive life sentences for this one when the jury gets a load of what happened at that orphanage.

Authentic MLB piss sample in a commemorative thermos that you tell your friend is actually homemade iced tea.

For the consummate sports fan. Make sure you get a good picture of the spit-take.

A re-gifted copy of Malcolm X’s biography that the slightly racist guy from accounting gave you last year, full of notes and personal reflections.

No matter how hard your friend tries to hide this, someone is gonna find it and assume that they were the one that left all notes on the pages. Do everything in your power to ensure that this is so. Then sit back and enjoy the hilarity that ensues!

Private performance by Color Me Badd, for one.

Most people would rather eat a handful of broken glass than sit through 45 minutes of Color Me Badd songs, only one of which is “I Wanna Sex You Up”. It’s not like you can tell Color Me Badd that though, that would just be plain rude. Your friend is going to have to smile and look interested through all the “hits”, all the while cursing the day they were born.

A copy of Sarah Palin’s new book, autographed by Levi Johnston’s bodyguard/manager/publicist, Tank Jones.

This is probably the most demoralizing object one could conceivably receive in one’s lifetime, a gift that could turn even the cheeriest optimist into a suicidal nihilist. What dark sorcery could have been responsible for such a thing existing in the first place? Just be careful not to actually make eye contact with this modern day Necronomicon when you wrap it. You know what they say: When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.

Gift certificate for the day laborers outside of the Home Depot.

Who couldn’t use a little help from a day laborer every once in awhile? That furniture isn’t going to move itself when you embezzle all of your friend’s savings and they have to move in with their parents because the bank foreclosed on their house!