Band Hero Review
Guitar Hero for girls, pretty much
 By Jeremy Azevedo |
The first thing you’ll notice when you boot up Band Hero on your Xbox 360, PS3, Nintendo Wii or (if you’re poor) PS2, is that it’s pretty much the exact game as Guitar Hero 5. Except for everything is pink and purple, and all of the once familiar characters are now wearing hair gel and sweater vests. |
More specifically, it’s like Guitar Hero 5 from an alternate dimension, where music games are made by and for girls instead of overweight, bearded metal dudes.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at the song list. I’ll highlight all the songs that I, as a heterosexual male, find intolerable but that your girlfriend will probably think are “cute!” and/or “fun!”
3 Doors Down - When I’m Gone
The Airborne Toxic Event - Gasoline
The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
Alphabeat - Fascination
Aly & AJ - Like Whoa
Angels & Airwaves - The Adventure
Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals - Steal My Kisses
Big Country - In A Big Country
The Bravery - Believe
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting
Cheap Trick - I Want You To Want Me (Live)
Cold War Kids - Hang Me Up To Dry
Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On
Counting Crows - Angels Of The Silences
Culture Club - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?
Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
David Bowie - Let’s Dance
Devo - Whip It
Don McLean - American Pie
Duffy - Warwick Avenue
Duran Duran - Rio
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life
Everclear - Santa Monica
Fall Out Boy - Sugar, We’re Going Down
Filter - Take A Picture
Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
The Go-Go’s - Our Lips Are Sealed
Hilary Duff - So Yesterday
Hinder - Lips of An Angel
Jackson 5 - ABC
Janet Jackson - Black Cat
Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
Joan Jett - Bad Reputation
Joss Stone - You Had Me
Katrina And The Waves - Walking On Sunshine
The Kooks - Naive
KT Tunstall - Black Horse & The Cherry Tree
The Last Goodnight - Pictures Of You
Lily Allen - Take What You Take
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through The Grapevine
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Impression That I Get
N.E.R.D. - Rockstar
Nelly Furtado - Turn Off The Light
No Doubt - Don’t Speak
No Doubt - Just A Girl
OK Go - A Million Ways
Papa Roach - Lifeline
Parachute - Back Again
Pat Benetar - Love is A Battlefield
Poison - Every Rose Has It Thorns
Robbie Williams & Kylie Minogue - Kids
The Rolling Stones - Honky Tonk Woman
Roy Orbison - Oh, Pretty Woman
Santigold - L.E.S. Aristes
Snow Patrol - Take Back The City
Spice Girls - Wannabe
Styx - Mr. Roboto
Taylor Swift - Picture To Burn
Taylor Swift - Love Story
Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
Tonic - If You Could Only See
The Turtles - Happy Together
Village People - YMCA
Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
So you see, this leaves only about 10-15 songs that you won’t totally hate playing, because they are, at the very least, good karaoke songs. But they certainly aren’t going to offer veterans any sort of challenge on guitar or drums, that’s for goddamn sure. Wanna play bass on the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe”? No? How about drums on Aly & AJ’s “Like Whoa”? Didn’t think so.
That having been said, this game isn’t for you. It’s for teenage girls that spend millions of dollars on Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus albums, concerts and merch. And that’s why it’s a smart business decision on the part of Activision. Because the music industry is turning to other forms of media in order to stay alive, it’s only fitting that pop music should find it’s way into the world of video gaming, not just as some cheap Jonas Bros. shovelware but as a legitimate product hat takes it’s intended audience seriously. Obviously Band Hero is less of a “rock” game and more of a glorified karaoke title, but to be fair, it retains all of the same features that the more adult releases offer, from the character creator and bonus challenges on down to the song creator studio. The appearance may be a little more saccharine but the overall experience is pretty much the same.
As a party game, Band Hero is actually better than Guitar Hero simply because it invites women to play along, and doesn’t scare them off with all kinds of deep classic rock tracks and metal that they don’t give a shit about. I’m pretty sure that 90% of women aren’t intimately familiar with The Sword, Iron Maiden or Rammstein, unless they had a boyfriend or brother that was into those bands.
(Side note: There are probably some chicks out there that would argue this point, but I think you know deep down in your heart that this is true. That music isn’t marketed to you anymore than Maroon 5 is marketed to me and you know it.)
However, I’ll bet you one hundred crispies that even the crustiest tomboy chick at any party knows each and every word to Nelly Furtado’s “Turn Out the Light”. That’s science. Plus, as a family game, this encourages participation from parents on tracks by The Turtles or Marvin Gaye. Financially, it’s a win/win proposition for the developers. How does this translate to you? It doesn’t, if you’re one of the aforementioned expert level bearded fat guys that shred by yourself or at Budweiser-soaked sausage parties on the odd weekend. But if you’re a girl, or if you’re entertaining a mixed group of non-hipster pop music enthusiasts then Band Hero is a pretty safe investment. Plus, you can always import all of your buttrock from the other games to even the odds a little.
CraveOnline rating for males over the age of 25:
6 out of 10 Unicorns Fighting A Robot Dolphin
CraveOnline rating for people that use the acronym “OMG” in regular conversation, unironically:
9 out of 10 Unicorns Fighting A Robot Dolphin
Hey! Also read about how No Doubt are retards that:
A. Don’t seem to be aware that they are, by definition, a pop band and…
