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Archive for October, 2009


Five Rejected Heroes Characters 0

Posted on October 26, 2009 by jeremyazevedo

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I know, it’s hard to believe they’d turn anyone down, but these five REALLY suck.


By Jeremy Azevedo
Heroes is everyone’s favorite televised version of the X-Men since “The X-Men: The Animated Series”. And yet, despite having decades of mutants from which to rip off their character’s distinct abilities from, Season 4 has been doing an awful lot of recycling.

Invisibility? Seen it. Super speed? Seen it. Time/Space travel? F**king seen it! “What in the goddamn hell is going on here?!”,  a huge nerd like you might scream into his Superman body pillow. Well, I am here to tell you exactly what the goddamn hell is going on here, Junior: They have to cut 99% of the super-powered applicants for having powers that are completely and totally lame. Some people have the same abilities. It happens. How many people fly? How many have super strength? Lots, that’s how many. DO you know why? It’s because flying is awesome. Super strength is awesome. These other powers? Not so much.

Reginald “The Waterboy” Ferris has the unique ability to turn an otherwise ordinary glass of water into a glass of sparkling water at will. While not particularly dangerous, it is annoying. Because if people wanted sparkling water, they would have, you know, ordered it that way.

It bears mentioning that this power only works on about 12 ounces or less of standard tap water. Which is actually good news for the rest of us, because I’m pretty sure that an entire river, lake or ocean of sparkling water would be particularly damaging to the environment. Not to mention the fact that it’d probably just go flat in like a day, anyway.

Saul “The Hipster” Williamsburg possesses a power that is psychic in nature. It allows him to discharge a mental suggestion to any weak-willed individual in his vicinity to see everything that he says and does worthy of emulating. Within days of arriving in any recently gentrified white urban hipster environment, he will have turned nearly the entire population into his clone.

Say “The Hipster” rolls into town sporting a Ned Flanders mustache, wearing Hammer pants, a sombrero and neon green slap bracelets covering his arms, in a wheelchair, listening to “Grizzly Bear”, and speaking only in Pig Latin. Within moments, verybody-ay ill-way ee-bay alking-tay ike-lay is-tay. Ucking-fay ullshit-bay. I mean, who really likes Grizzly Bear? Read the rest of this entry →

Borderlands Review 0

Posted on October 26, 2009 by jeremyazevedo

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Your new favorite online obsession?


By Jeremy Azevedo
Borderlands is a strange sort of game. Of all the shooters and all the RPGs I’ve ever played, I never really thought that the two flavors would ever meet in such a complimentary manner.

It’s tempting to compare Borderlands to Fallout 3 right away, on account of it being an FPS/RPG hybrid set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. But to be fair to both games, that’s where the similarities begin and end. Where Fallout is deeply rooted in dialogue trees and story, Borderlands is all action. It’s really more like Halo than it is like Fallout. There’s no mysterious underlying “Dungeons and Dragons” system of chance that dictates whether you hit or miss, or whether your shot was critical or not. You have to relay on your old school run and gun FPS skills to get ahead in Borderlands. Which is not to say that said skills are not fully customizable… There are dozens of different skills that can be attributed to any of your four different character classes, some of which really change the way you play. Not to mention the millions (not an exaggeration) of different guns that you might find as you blaze through the game.

Yipee-kay-yay motherf**ker!

The first thing you’ll notice when you boot up the game is how great it looks. The graphical presentation is incredibly stylish, reminding me a bit of the Dreamcast classic Jet Grind Radio, though the cel-shading is not nearly as overbearing. In motion it looks very fluid, though I sort of wish that there were a 3rd person view option so that I could see my character in the space and have a wider field of view. Most wouldn’t agree with me, but I always feel like 1st person games always have too narrow of a visual focus for my liking. Also, I just spent all this time agonizing over which colors to make my clothes, and now I can’t even see them. WTF, at least put some mirrors in the game or something. Aside from that one minor complaint, Gearbox has constructed am incredibly detailed world in which you genuinely feel like a lone mercenary scavenger, living off of loot to survive the harsh and lonely wasteland.

The enemies, of which there are many different sizes and shapes, look crazy as hell and act equally so. In the first few missions alone, you’ll encounter warthog type creatures with mouths that look like a vagina dentate, various pissed-off midgets, fully-grown mongoloid flipper babies, and a metric shit-ton of dudes wearing hockey masks. (Apparently, hockey mask are like the cockroach of the sporting goods world.) As Mordecai the hunter, I initially found it frustrating that my sniper rifle didn’t do jack to most of these enemies, that it took forever to reload, and that after one or two shots they were all over me like a Kardashian on an NFL superstar. But after leveling up a bit and upgrading my weapons, I found myself performing better and better, softening up “skags” from a mile away with my scoped rifle and finishing them off up close with my fire bullet spewing machine pistol. Although I’m still pretty sure that the retarded bird special attack is the worst of the four. Why have a health and ammo restoring shielded turret, turn invisible, or “hulk out” in a nigh-invulnerable frenzy when you can have a goddamn bird flap around doing absolutely f**k all, so far as I can tell? Why indeed.

Mordecai and Lilith defeat the legendary “Montauk Monster”.

After playing the single player campaign and leveling up a bit so as not to come off as a total n00b, I joined an online party where I was almost immediately exposed as a n00b anyway. I don’t play games online very much, so it took me a little while to get up to speed. But by 1AM in the morning, I had a group of new friends playing as a well-balanced team, sharing loot and picking our way through hordes of over-leveled enemies in places that we most likely had no business being. I also had a sorta pissed off wifey. Invariably, some asshole always snagged the really l33t loot before anyone else could, but then, you’re constantly finding randomly generated weapons that are significantly more awesome than the one you had before so it’s not that big of an issue. I’d imagine that Borderlands is probably very similar to WOW or Diablo in it’s reward and loot sharing system, though I wouldn’t really be the one to comment on that. I’m about as likely to play WOW as I am to try heroine; I’m sure it’s probably awesome, I really just don’t need another debilitating addiction in my life. Read the rest of this entry →

David Cross: I Drink For A Reason 0

Posted on October 26, 2009 by jeremyazevedo

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Mr. Show and Arrested Development star’s literary debut


By Jeremy Azevedo
David Cross is one of the more subversive comics performing today. His act, despite accusations of being “lefty” and “P.C.” by faux-blue collar comedian “Larry the Cable Guy”, is really anything but.

It’s easy to call Cross “Left wing” because he doesn’t pander to the lowest common denominator, or because he’s suspicious of virtually everything. Really though, he’s just not a joiner. And having read his book, “I Drink For A Reason”, I can safely say that he most likely has as much (if not more) disdain for hippies as he does for republican conservatives. After a certain point, though, you have to wonder how he came to view himself as being so goddamn superior. It would almost grow tiresome if it weren’t also consistently hilarious.

At 45 years old, Cross is essentially the original, proto-hipster: Anti-everything and yet always on the front lines of nearly every cultural shift. Most comics would’ve given up on the whole “cutting edge” bit and started making children’s movies by now. (Eh… David Cross sort of does that too… When he’s not already too busy being awesome in Arrested Development, Wonder Showzen and virtually every animated series on Adult Swim!) I can imagine that the pressure to always be “cool” and to also live up to his own personal standard of being completely infallible when it comes to crass-consumerism, ego and musical taste must be exhausting. And yet he soldiers on, taking down everything from Urban Outfitters and “top ten lists” to Jim Belushi and patriotism. Not even scrapbooking is safe from his unerring stream of ridicule. (Although between you and me, scrapbooking had it comin’.)

This is sort of my favorite thing about David Cross and comics like him. He gets into arguments with entertainers that take the easy road and play to Middle America’s insatiable lust for fart jokes. And then he writes fart jokes of his own, but addresses them to an audience that considers itself “highbrow” and enjoys the aforementioned fart jokes “ironically”. Where one comic might play the “aw shucks, tell-it-like-it-is” game with the audience and point out a shared stupidity, David Cross instead chooses to stand on a platform and point out that the audience is itself stupid. And yet he still gets the laughs without having to pretend that he himself is part of the “problem”. This is the quality that I think makes him a superior comedian.

His body of work speaks for itself: David Cross is routinely great in most everything he does. Meanwhile, he gets to act like an over-educated and under-stimulated asshole and get away with it at every turn. It’s something that I suspect creative types really respond to, and may be why there is a bit of disconnect between how he is received by critics and how he is received by the public. The brutality with which he rips on The American Way Of Life requires a more sophisticate palette than most casual observers are likely to have. Conversely, those of us that find humor in the things that other people are passionately serious about will have a great time reading “I Drink For A Reason” and laughing at the absurdity of ourselves, and our neighbors, along with David.

If you enjoy David Cross’s stand-up, you’ll certainly also enjoy this book. It basically amounts to a comedy album in written form. It’s one of those books that are great to leave on your kitchen or coffee table and read a chapter over breakfast, or while taking a dump (or both at the same time, if that’s what you’re into). There’s even some great callback, like when Cross writes the “Magic Christian” inspired “I Think Rich People Are Boring”, and then later revisits the concept in “Sitting On A Pole Trying To Win Some Money”. Some of these articles are just lists, which is funny because he has a chapter later in the book making fun of lists. There isn’t much in the way of deeply personal anecdotes, but then, this isn’t a memoir, and Cross is sort of too successful to have any really great crybaby stories about living in squalor or giving truck stop hand-jobs to feed his kids like J.K. Rowling or Chelsea Handler (who doesn’t have kids that I am aware of and probably does that sort of thing just for fun, I’m guessing).

I award “I Drink For A Reason” 8 out of 10 Unicorns Fighting A Robot Dolphin:

+2 If you think “Arrested Development” was the best comedy ever on television
+1 If you think “Arrested Development” was the second best comedy ever on television, after “Married With Children”
-2 If you know you’re a redneck when… (Fill in the blank with some dumbass remark about incest or trucks or something)

For more information on the book, please visit IDrinkForAReason.com

Additionally, do yourself a favor and check out David Cross in the ultimate pwnage of blue collar “humor” on WonderShowzen’s classic “Horse Apples” episode. You won’t be sorry.

Taco the Town: Ross Robinson and My Own Private Alaska 0

Posted on October 26, 2009 by jeremyazevedo

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Producer Ross Robinson and MOPA on tacos, metal, and Taco Metal!

Welcome to “Taco the Town”, the most delicious interview show on the Interwebs!

Because our studio is still all sticky from our 3rd annual “Double Dare” memorial anniversary show, we’ll be talking to famous musicians, authors, balloon boys, conspiracy theorists, actors, dinosaur impressionists and models in the one place that everyone can agree on: The Taco Stand!

Today we’ll be talking to super-producer Ross Robinson and his latest act, MOPA (My Own Private Alaska). Ross Robinson is, of course, famous for producing everyone from Korn and The Deftones to At the Drive-In and The Cure. MOPA, Ross’s latest project, is perhaps the world’s first (and only) hardcore metal band to abstain from the traditional guitar and bass in favor of a classical piano. You read that right: Classical Piano Metal. Also, they are French. And they love tacos. Check it all out right here, exclusively on CraveOnline!

For a preview of MOPA and Ross’ new album, check out Myspace.com/MyOwnPrivateAlaska

The Mighty Boosh Special Edition DVD 0

Posted on October 26, 2009 by jeremyazevedo

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Now with 100% more Boosh than no Boosh at all!


By Future Sailor
The Mighty Boosh is a show that’s not easily described in words. I could tell you that it’s about two weird dudes that are unlikely friends and bandmates in a fictional band, predictably called “The Boosh”. And that they work in a magical thrift store with a Shaman and a talking ape.

I could also tell you that The Mighty Boosh is the next logical step in the evolution of English stoner comedy. But maybe it’s better to just show you:
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If that clip isn’t the sort of thing that appeals to you, then you must have come here by accident. You probably meant to go to Goatse.cx and somehow ended up here instead. It’s ok. It happens. For those of you that are already fans of the Boosh or maybe just curious, however, you may be excited to learn that there is a brand new special edition DVD collection out right now!

The Mighty Boosh Special Edition DVD collects all three seasons of The Mighty Boosh, along with a metric shit-ton of bonus material. There are stickers and postcards for the more tactile fans among us. There are also incredibly weird deleted scenes, live footage from the stage show, interviews and behind the scenes featurettes. If it exists and is related to the Boosh in any way, it is included on these 7 discs. My personal favorite is a “crimping” (sort of like a synchronized, acapella freestyle) collection that is certain to melt your face off with awesomnisity if you are not suitably prepared.

Each and every season of The Mighty Boosh is jam-packed with great characters, songs and classic moments. Even non-fans are probably familiar with the worldwide Internet sensation that is known as “Old Greg”; everyone’s favorite undersea Rick James transsexual fish-man. And you don’t really have to have any prerequisite knowledge of the Boosh to enjoy “The Strange tale of the Crack Fox”… Although it might help to keep a light on whilst watching this one (the Crack Fox is vaguely terrifying). Keeping a doobie handy wouldn’t be too bad of an idea either (provided that you have a proper prescription, of course!)

To put the popularity of this show in perspective, I went to a “secret show” live performance by the Boosh in Hollywood this summer, and you’d think they were handing out free blowjobs and bars of gold by the length of the line outside. Don’t be the last of your friends to experience The Boosh. It’s awkward when the rest of us are trying to talk about it and do impressions and stuff around the water cooler, and you’re just standing there all like, “Oh, that sounds cool, what’s this Mighty Boosh all about anyway?” Get with the goddamn program already, man.

I award The Mighty Boosh Special Edition DVD 9 out of 10 Unicorns Fighting a Robot Dolphin:

+1 if you find the silly English accents charming and fun
-2 if you find the silly English accents obnoxious and grating.



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