Five Rejected Heroes Characters
I know, it’s hard to believe they’d turn anyone down, but these five REALLY suck.
 By Jeremy Azevedo |
Heroes is everyone’s favorite televised version of the X-Men since “The X-Men: The Animated Series”. And yet, despite having decades of mutants from which to rip off their character’s distinct abilities from, Season 4 has been doing an awful lot of recycling. |
Invisibility? Seen it. Super speed? Seen it. Time/Space travel? F**king seen it! “What in the goddamn hell is going on here?!”, a huge nerd like you might scream into his Superman body pillow. Well, I am here to tell you exactly what the goddamn hell is going on here, Junior: They have to cut 99% of the super-powered applicants for having powers that are completely and totally lame. Some people have the same abilities. It happens. How many people fly? How many have super strength? Lots, that’s how many. DO you know why? It’s because flying is awesome. Super strength is awesome. These other powers? Not so much.
Reginald “The Waterboy” Ferris has the unique ability to turn an otherwise ordinary glass of water into a glass of sparkling water at will. While not particularly dangerous, it is annoying. Because if people wanted sparkling water, they would have, you know, ordered it that way.
It bears mentioning that this power only works on about 12 ounces or less of standard tap water. Which is actually good news for the rest of us, because I’m pretty sure that an entire river, lake or ocean of sparkling water would be particularly damaging to the environment. Not to mention the fact that it’d probably just go flat in like a day, anyway.
Saul “The Hipster” Williamsburg possesses a power that is psychic in nature. It allows him to discharge a mental suggestion to any weak-willed individual in his vicinity to see everything that he says and does worthy of emulating. Within days of arriving in any recently gentrified white urban hipster environment, he will have turned nearly the entire population into his clone.
Say “The Hipster” rolls into town sporting a Ned Flanders mustache, wearing Hammer pants, a sombrero and neon green slap bracelets covering his arms, in a wheelchair, listening to “Grizzly Bear”, and speaking only in Pig Latin. Within moments, verybody-ay ill-way ee-bay alking-tay ike-lay is-tay. Ucking-fay ullshit-bay. I mean, who really likes Grizzly Bear?
Beatrice “The Beekeeper” Boudin is able to control the behavior of up to three bees at one time with the power of her mind. Unless one of the bees is one of those big-ass black bumblebee types, which count as two for some reason or another.
This sounds like a really useless ability, unless you’re, like, allergic to bees or whatever. In which case, “The Beekeeper” should be avoided at all costs.
Johnny “Twister” Pinkerton is a deranged balloon animalist whose talent is really more of a disability than a power. No matter what you ask him to construct, he can only make balloons in the shape of sex organs. Ask for a giraffe? Get a dick. Ask for a monkey riding a bicycle? Get a dick. Ask for a hot dog? Get a vagina. It’s not exactly harmful in any way, though it is rude, and quite uncalled for. Especially when children are present.
Actually, I’m not sure that this even qualifies as a power. There is a distinct possibility that “Twister” is either faking his disorder, or that he may even be mentally challenged in some way. He’s a big hit at bachelorette parties though!
Carlos “The Capybara Whisperer” Encino is like the Aquaman of Brazil. Except for the fact that he actually sucks even worse, if you can believe that. Instead of talking to fish, Carlos possesses the ability to telepathically communicate with capybaras, which are the world’s largest rodent and are common to rural South America.
As it turns out, capybaras are particularly docile and don’t really come in very handy during a showdown with lightning, turbo, or magnetism powered super-villains… Or even against ordinary (non-super) villains for that matter. He does, however, make a pretty decent living with his traveling “Capybara Circus”. By 3rd world country standards, anyway. We would no doubt find his monthly income laughable.
