Mongo Nation

Are there changes in store for your favorite heroes?

By Ted Hucklebuck

So my friend Pete Pelmo told me that a guy he knows is dating a chick who’s best friend’s sister knows a guy that delivers pizzas to Stan Lee. And he says that despite numerous statements to the contrary, the recent acquisition of Marvel Comics by Disney is going to have some pretty far-reaching implications!

In fact, nearly the entire Marvel Universe is expected to go through some pretty significant changes to better fit in with the Disney worldview. Following is an exclusive look at some of the classified new character designs that we can expect to see rolling out in 2010…

Wolverine

Wolverine will be the first superhero to undergo a Disney “Re-Imagineering” to make him more palatable for family audiences. For starters, his adamantium claws will be replaced with flowers that spring from his fists, gently reminding his enemies about the beauty of nature and the importance of recycling. While Wolverine will retain his healing power, it will henceforth work in the reverse. Wolverine will now be able to heal those around him rather than himself, with the power of love. Glorious, hairy, mutant love.

Rogue

Instead of absorbing other people’s powers, she absorbs other people’s companies. Zing!

Spider-Man

Spider-Man remains largely unchanged, except for a few minor adjustments. Most noticeably, his alter ego Peter “Parker” Tran now works as a Disney animator instead of a photographer. And he loves his job so much that he rarely dons his Spider-Man outfit. Most issues will follow Peter’s adventures working twelve-hour days at an animation sweatshop in North Korea without complaint, for the greater good of all the children and Academy Award judges that just have to have another new Pixar movie every six months.

The Punisher

Nope. Never existed.

The Incredible Hulk

No longer a slave to his raging temper, the Hulk now transforms into a massive green abomination every time a sick child laughs. Instead of pummeling his enemies into hamburger, he now spends his time entertaining at children’s hospitals by riding around on a tiny bicycle like a giant, hulking, less-annoying Patch Adams. Because if they ever stop laughing… he dies.

The Black Panther

Because this is Disney we’re talking about here, the Black Panther will undoubtedly become a racist caricature.

Captain America

Captain America is going to be more or less the same, save for the fact that his name is going to be changed to “Capitalism America” and his primary enemy will be an evil duo of world conquering alien communist Muslim homosexuals know as the “Warner Bros.”

The Fantastic Four

Now consists of Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck and the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney.

Iron Man

Instead of wearing a super-powered mechanical suit, Iron Man now has the ability to transform into a lovable talking Volkswagen Bug that shoots non-lethal heart-shaped lasers from his headlamps. And instead of fighting supervillains, he uses his billions of dollars in advanced weapons technology and his huggable, non-threatening chassis to befriend young girls with troubles at home and gives old ladies rides to the supermarket or whatever.

Magneto

Magneto loses his power over magnetism, but gains power over monetization.