Mongo Nation

May we suggest some alternatives?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Fact: Buying stuff for your dad on Father’s Day can be a real pain in the ass. Dads only really like shit that you can’t afford, like big-ass TVs and barbeques that transform into robots and things like that. And who can blame them? But sadly, it isn’t as if we could borrow money from them to purchase their own damn present with. No, seriously, I’ve tried it. Totally doesn’t work.

As a result, most everything I’ve ever bought for my dad has ended up in the garage or underneath the stairs or something, unused and covered with dust. It’s a familiar story that I’m sure most of you retards out there have experienced… I mean, how was I supposed to know that my dad wouldn’t appreciate a complete set of autographed Chippendales playing cards? They’re collectors items! Anyway, to help you avoid making some of the mistakes that I’ve made in the past, I’ve compiled a list of “Dos and Don’ts” that may help you in your apathetic online search for lame, last minute Father’s Day gifts. Enjoy!

Boner pills

What is your dad gonna use these for? To bone your mom? That’s disgusting. Let your father’s sex life die with dignity, for chrissakes…

Try this instead: A prostitute. Your dad doesn’t need pills, he needs a professional.

A complete set of “Oprah Book Club” books from 1998

Not only is your dad illiterate, but even if he could read, he probably wouldn’t be caught dead thumbing through “Breath, Eyes, Memory”, “Midwives” or “Where the Heart Is” on his lunch break at the plus-sized women’s lingerie factory sweatshop. This is, of course, compounded by the fact that your every single mouthy broad that peeps him reading one won’t be able to resist the urge to spoil all of the endings for him.

Try this instead: “The Alphabet of Manliness”: An A-Z guide of things that men enjoy reading about on the crapper, from Ass-Kicking to Zombies. This book is totally old, but so is your dad so he won’t know the difference.

A framed picture of you with your cross-country rollerblading team

What’s the hardest part about rollerblading? (I think you all know the answer to this one…)

Try this instead: Not rollerblading.

1,000 shares of General Motors

I’m pretty sure your mom already keeps plenty of toilet paper in the house.

Try this instead: If you want to give your dad something that will make a sound investment for his ever-dwindling future, why not return all the gold jewelry, watches, wedding bands and dental fillings that you stole last time you visited home for Christmas?

A handwritten IOU for a hot-oil body massage

You’re hardly a professional masseuse, sir.

Try this instead: A $50 gift certificate to that hella shady Korean Massage parlor between the Adult Book Store and the Liquor Barn.

The Comfort Wipe

Nothing says “I think you’re a helpless, toddering old f**k” like a plastic stick that you use to administer toilet paper to your ass. The Comfort Wipe implies that you’re either too feeble or too fat to reach your own butthole unassisted.

Try this instead: If you insist on giving your dad a gadget for Father’s Day, make it the “Designated Driver Kooler Club”, which is essentially a golf club filled with liquor. It won’t help his game, but it will help him get drunk, which is the real reason why people go golfing, so far as I can tell.

Dinner for 2 with NBA legend Patrick Ewing at Souplantation

I know what you’re thinking: Nothing says “I love you, Dad” like Patrick Ewing and an “all you can eat” soup and salad bar, amirite? It’s too bad that that your dad is totally racist… This, combined with a restaurant that has the word “plantation” in its name and a 7-foot tall former basketball star, is a sure recipe for disaster, not deliciousness.

Try this instead: Perhaps a hot wing brunch at Déjà Vu with Sarunas Marciulionis would be more appropriate for you old man?

A complete collection of M*A*S*H DVDs, missing at least one disc

While this sound like a funny prank on paper, remember that your dad is an old dude and that he will probably have an aneurysm or give himself a hernia or whatever when he can’t find Season 5, disc 2 anywhere.

Try this instead: Terminator Motherf**kin’ 2 Pinball, FTW!

A $25 gift certificate to Curves

Being completely emasculated doesn’t necessarily qualify you for entry to a women’s only gym, I don’t care what you read about “eunuchs”.

Try this instead: A $25 gift certificate to Curves and a good discrimination lawyer. It’s still cheaper than Crunch Fitness!

A shitty article about bad Father’s Day gifts

Happy Father’s Day, Pop!